Branching Out

     I branched out today. I did it. I tried hot yoga. And WOW what a workout. After 90 minutes in a 98 degree room I was sufficiently exhausted and now am a little sore. It was a good workout all in all and I stretched places I didn't know could be stretched. I think I would be willing to try it again now, today mid-class with sweat pouring from every part of my body I wasn't so sure! But before yoga began, I hit a bit of a road bump in this path I am on.
     Before I went to class today, when I got up, I decided I wanted to weigh myself again. To see if after all this hard work and such where I was. Well, yup, no weight lost. Now I know it's not really that big of a deal (well I can say that now, this morning it was) but it is in a way discouraging. I have been eating really well and correctly and exercising and yet, nothing shows on the scale, nada. Now I know weight loss isn't really my goal here at all, but I was sure I had lost a little. Nope. So I wrote my nutritionist a what the heck email about the situation then headed to hot yoga. By the time I was done (and uber sweaty) I had an email back from her. She was quite empathetic which helped and she told me this isn't a quick process. I know this, yet I still expected something. She told me I was doing everything right and encouraged me to not fall back into old patterns. Reading all this really helped. Especially with her telling me I was doing things right. I haven't really treated my body right food wise in a long time. So, I decided  to put the scale away for the next six months. Why six months? She told me it can take up to that amount of time for all of this to balance out. So, I am going to practice that whole patience thing and leave the scale be.
     What frustrated me about the whole experience before hot yoga this morning was that the number I saw on the scale put me in an instant snit. I was instantly down on myself. Not fun. I felt insecure at first during  yoga.  I compared myself to all the other ladies that walked in. I was just in a very negative place. But, over the next 90 minutes being forced to focus on myself, my body and what it could do, that changed. I began to realize I am getting stronger and I am getting healthier. That this is about health and balance not the number. Besides being physically challenging the yoga sweat-fest was also mentally challenging which is what I needed today.
     So, while I started in a negative place today I am now feeling better. Also, instead of feeling discouraged about nothing changing yet, I am going to keep moving forward. Just the ambition to keep going forward is progress for me, because I would have given up in the past. Not this time. This time like this blog's title I am choosing to change.

No I Won't Back Down

     This quote here is giving me a bit of inspirtation today to keep my head up. Today has been a hard day.  I went ahead and faced my demon, a/k/a the scale, and unfortunately it did not go well. As I stepped on the scale and looked at the number below I tried to repeat all the things I said yesteday, "It's only a number", "It won't define my worth", but when I looked down and saw that number all that escaped me. I looked and the weight I weighed today (which is for me and my trainer's eyes) is heavier than I have been in some time and I am very unhappy with it. Also, rather unhappy that another pair of pants did not fit properly this morning. Ugh.
     In the past this would have sent me into some sort of crash diet and starvation pattern of sorts, but this morning I vowed not do that. I knew I couldn't. I wouldn't. As I ran the frustration out over 4 miles on the treadmill this morning  I realized that this is not about being skinnny, it is about me being at my healthiest and happiest and at this point, today, I am not yet there. The weight I am at tody I am not. So I fussed, I whined,  complained to my Mom,  and emailed my nutritionist. Who, I now have a date with on Wednesday at 8pm (thank goodness). Both of them told me not to focus on the numbers and many other statements that helped somewhat. I also found the following example on Pintrest of why scales suck:



So, I tried to cheer up a bit, cause like it or not I was in a funk. My husband noticed as I walked out the door  this morning and was so sweet today, emailing me and telling me how much he loves me and how he thinks my body is just perfect. How he will help and support me all he can. And why this is one of the best compliments a girl can receive, I still feel rather dumpy about myself. I know he likes it, and my friends and family will tell me how nice I look (thank you), but I am NOT happy with myself right now. Not happy when I look at myself in the mirror before a shower, or in a swimsuit, or really in any pictures taken recently. So, while I realize I don't look near as "huge" as I imagine I do in my (albeit distorted) mind, I DO want to change a few things about myself so I can be happy with MYSELF and I can think and believe and know I look nice. I want to be able to fit in the clothes again that are a little snug. I do not intend to focus on the scale too much du to the inspiration from the photograph above and some wisdom from my nutritionist. I will not go back to the starvation, yo-yo diet and weight, or too thin version of myself. But I will keep my head up and keep trucking and become the best ME I can. I am being held accountable now by doing this blog. I will just need (and know I have) the support of my family and friends, the wisdom and advice of my trainer and nutritionist and the will do do it this time around. Which I will and can. Have to. Like the song I heard on the radio today at work No I WON'T back down! And tomorrow is a new day....and I am in charge of me.

Going Out of My Comfort Zone

     Everyone has comfort zone, or a routine of sorts. Things they are more than comfortable doing and things that make them go "eek!" or "nope, not gonna happen!". Well I have decided to try to push OUT of my comfort zone a bit to help further my progress on my path to health and balance.
     Anyone who know me knows I am routine kind of girl, that's just probably never going to change. Thanks to a Father and Mother (more the Father) who are pretty much the same way, I got stuck with that trait. My brother, somehow escaped it. Anywho, while I don't really intend to break any of my daily routines soon I do plan and have already stepped out of my comfort zone a bit.
     I do not like confrontation much, who really does? Unless you are from Jersey or on any of the Real Housewives series confrontation probably makes you a bit uncomfy. But today I was forced to confront (albeit through email) my former personal trainer and tell her I wasn't coming back to classes for awhile. I wrote a short and sweet email saying I am changing many things in my life, I do not mean to offend and that was pretty much the entirity of the message. I know its not MUCH of a "confrontation" but to me it is (baby steps again). Because before I probably would have made excuses as to why I wasn't coming to class until she just left me alone, but today I tried to take the bull by the horns (in cyber space) and stop with the excuses! I feel good about it and feel good about being honest, not just beating around the bush!
     Another situation that is outside my comfort zone, and I have already mentioned in a previous post, is that of weighing myself. This has the tendency to lead me into a tizzy of sorts. However, I have decided that this week, before I go back to my trainer, I am going to weigh myself. I am doing it so I can see what kind of progress I make with my trainer as well as a challenge to myself. I am challenging myself to see the number as just that A FREAKING NUMBER, not as some sort of numeric indicator of how good, bad, pretty, ugly, skinny or fat I am. I am going to try to go into it knowing I am doing GOOD things for my body now (finally!) and that regardless, I am strong and  am feeling the results of my sessions with my new trainer. That what is staring back at me the day I choose to weighh is solely a NUMBER! It is real silly that the act of getting on the scale has become THIS big of  deal to me, but it has, and its something I can change. And will.
     So, so far for the week, those are the first two things out of my comfort zone I am attempting! I will keep you posted! Now, its on to a day of house cleaning, errand running and a Sunday dinner with my parents. Happy Sunday All!

But your so thin!

Today I had to go to the doctor for a  sinus infection. I know hot, right? Well, my normal routine when going to the doctor and having to be weighed is asking the nurse to please weigh me backwards and not tell me the number. One would not believe the responses I get asking this little favor. I have gotten eye rolls, huffs, comments ("Your so thin though!") and other little snarky responses. Today that same thing happened, it wasn't from the nurse (he was male) but from a pharmaceutical rep standing across from me. She looked like her eyes were going to pop out of her head when she heard me say this! I wanted to look at her straight in the eye and explain to her that hearing my weight has often and could make me go into both an instant bad mood and a starvation/diet mode (which ends up backfiring!). I would also tell her that little number on the scale has the ability, with me, to control everything, my thoughts, my moods, everything. That obsession with the scale is the reason I can't and won't weigh right now. I hope that one day I can be strong enough to go to the doctor and get on that scale, clothes and all, hear the number and not give two hoots! I know that one day it will happen, but in time. I knot it is on this path I am travelling down, I just have to get there. For now, I will just have to deal with the snarky comments and eye rolls!