Packing Up and Heading Out

     It's Friday and the Dunham's are heading to Bloomington. We are going up this weekend to visit the in-laws, split up our Cardinals season tickets (yay!!) and hang out with one of Jeremy's college buddies from Chicago, Miles.  I am really looking forward to it. I have been itching to get out of town (and not just to STL) for awhile now and hoping this will scratch that itch some. Not to mention I get to relax in the hot tub with a big glass of wine!
      I didn't meet with my nutritionist last night due to the fact that I was busy packing and the fact that Jeremy deleted everything from the computer and I have to reload Skype to have the meeting. But I am kind of glad the meeting was postponed. Why is that? Well, I have mentioned before that sometimes going to Bloomington causes me some stress where food and meals are concerned. Last time we visited, I went in strong willed and ready to be intuitive about all things food related, but I had a bit of a set back. Looking back I think the set back was good for me. This made me see where I don't want to be, how I don't want to feel and gives me motivation this time around NOT to go back there. It's not fun. Both the physical and  psychological feelings are rather unpleasant. So, this time around I do feel a little stronger. I know I may have a set back and that's ok. I want to see how this weekend goes and then delve into it all with my nutritionist on Tuesday when we meet. I want to be able to give her a good report but, if I I have a setback we can go over why it happened and how not to keep going back to that point. Hopefully though I have mostly good things to report.
     I am beginning to feel a little stronger with both the eating and the distorted thoughts. I am not sure why but just seems like I am beginning to get it more, its beginning to click. Really doing what I said  I would and learning to not stress so much about it all and take the advice that is tattooed on my body, Breathe, really is beginning to work. Funny, I fight some of these ideas for so long but when I give in, they (AHA!) work. Guess I am a little stubborn like my father after all.
     So, with my stronger attitude and itch to bust out of here I am ready to head north to Bloomington. Ready to find out what Cardinals games we get to go to this season and also ready to see what downtown Bloomington has in store for the Dunham Duo and Miles tomorrow evening! Hope everyone has a great weekend!! Cheers!!

Proud Sister

     Tuesday is here and almost done now, seems like the week is flying by! Not always a bad thing especially when it seems to be going smoother than last week for me. Not so much for my husband who seems to be down and out today with either the flu or something along thost lines. Either way, not pretty at our household. I am keeping my distance.
    Tonight that distance involves Dad and I  heading over to St. Louis for an award ceremony for my brother Ben. He is a St. Louis Police Officer. Yes, I didn't only marry a police officer, my brother is one as well. They are everywhere! Anyway, he is being recognized tonight in regards to a scary incident he was involved in last fall. Even though Jeremy and I tease him about getting this award, I am very proud of him. I have always been kind of a mother hen and rather protective of my baby brother. Which is now funny that he is about 6 inches taller than me and much broader. But, I always have been that way with him.  It is funny for me to watch him all dressed up in uniform and doing his job as a St. Louis police officer. Guess I should be used to it by now, he's done it for almost two years, but I am not. Either way, as scary as it is for him to be a police officer in St. Louis City, I can't express really how proud I am of him. He won't ever let me get to gushy so I figured I could put some of it on here, because I doubt he reads it regularly. So, needless to say I may get a little emotional tonight, damn that big sister gene!!
     On other fronts, I realized last night I am kind of slacking in my personal cooking challenge. I have done some baking of new healthy desserts lately. I made some awesome cookie dough balls from the website ChocolateCoveredKatie.com. I recommend them if you are craving something sweet and  healthy! But, I haven't been COOKING much. I am trying to remedy that by buying a new cookbook off Amazon (I'm Jen and I am addicted to Amazon) and hopefully trying some new recipes out of that book. The cookbook I purchased is The Hungry Girl Cookbook. I get her daily emails so I decided to give her book a try! Will keep everyone posted on progress.
     I am still kind of struggling with the body image stuff as another pair of jeans didn't fit how I wanted this morning. But I have been emailing with my nutritionist and she keeps repeating to me that STRESS plays a big roll in this process and the more I stress the worse off I will be. Which I do realize but I am a worrier, a fusser, I stress. But for some reason her teling me pointe blank (for the 100th time) that the stress hormones can interfere with weight and such, it FINALLY hit me. Kind of another AHA moment so to speak. So I am really, really going to try to make an effort to CHILLAX about this. For goodness sake I have "Breathe" tattooed on my wrist, I put it there for a reason when I started this journey.It is supposed to be a daily reminderalthough I haven't been using it much lately. Time to stop ignoring it and get back to business.
     Well, it's off to Ben's ceremony in a short while. Taking the kleenex and the camera with me! Have a great Tuesdsay everyone.

Training around the Corner

     Here it is Friday again and I am very thankful!! Phew, made it! I have been waiting for Friday since Monday. However, what is on my mind today isn't just the fun weekend ahead, but also the next eight weeks. On Monday I will start training for the Champaign Half Marathon in April. April 29th to be exact. This will be my 7th (I think ) half marathon. This will be my first long race since my knee injury. I am both excited and a little intimidated.
    Because I am a wee bit OCD and organized , I always have a training plan for these races that I stick to. It makes me feel more in control, shocking I know. But it also helps keep me honest and looking back as I train keeps me motivated during those weeks where I think what the heck have I gotten myself into. So this year is no different, I am scouring the Internet looking up different plans and paces, trying to decide what is right for me. When I visited the Runner's World website and looked at one of the plans there was also a link to some nutrition articles. I decided to click on one. Glad I did.
   I clicked on an article titled "Running on Empty". The article is written by a male runner who talks about his experience training for his first marathon and the disordered eating patterns he developed in the process. The article goes on to talk about issues with disordered eating and runners. Let me tell you, I saw myself and my behaviors in there. In the article the writer states that manipulating one's food and body offers a sense of control and perfection. WHOA yup, that's me. Control and perfection have always been part of who I am, part of my personality. I like to think it has to do with my birth order. But I digress, I read this article with eyes wide, absorbing it all. It discussed that runners often lose weight and think that is why their times improve, rather than other factors such as training and sleep habits. This was me. As was the example of the runner who would do his long runs and never properly refuel and pretty much make himself sick . I wasn't near as bad as the man mentioned in the article, but I often only ate a measly Quaker Oats 100 calorie granola bar for breakfast after a 10 mile run. Then only a Clif bar and apple for lunch. Yes, really I did that. I know, it's not good. I consider myself blessed I didn't get hurt sooner than I did over training and treating myself this way. Guess my knee injury was God's way of telling me JEN treat yourself RIGHT!!
     So, after reading the article with motivating statements in it telling the readers that healthy eating isn't less eating and so forth I feel ready to tackle this half marathon training. I am struggling right now with the food thing, I have been honest about that here in the past few posts. But I am still eating, trying not to let myself restrict, trying not to fuss and trying respect my body. Trying to understand my body is changing, adjusting to being treated better, finally. With the training will come more changes, as I will be running more and there will be spikes in hunger levels. But I will try my best and give it my all to listen to my body and what it wants. Give it what it needs, especially after long runs. Which is definitely not just a 100 calorie granola bar! I am going to keep thinking the healthy eating is not less eating and try to nourish my body.
     I have done enough half marathons to know that I will hit my wall at 7 1/2 miles wondering why I decided to do this. What was I thinking? But this year I will try to push past that point  by thinking that I am really doing this for the healthier Jen. For the Jen that back in July could not run 1 mile pain free. I am doing this to prove to myself that I am strong and  I will overcome these issues I have with food and body image. I am going to cross that finish line proud, no matter what time is on the clock, because I treated my body right. I will know I  did my best and I have come so far and will continue to do so.
 Cheers everyone! Happy Friday!

Turnaround Tuesday and a Little Reflection

     Today was definitely a better day. I left yesterday behind and started over. Work was better and went smoother which is a big plus. Thank goodness for fabulous and fun co-workers! I am still struggling with the body stuff, but again I am trying to breathe and just chalk it up to hormones and all that fun girl stuff. Hoping and knowing it will pass (hopefully soon!) is helping me not to freak out too bad. But thinking and fussing over all this stuff has led me to some reflection.
     When I realize how much I fuss over these (somewhat trivial) body image and food issues I can't help but feel guilty a bit. Why guilty? Well, I think of the precious time I waste doing it, time that my cousin Chrissy, who passed away when she was 17 and I was 16, would have given anything for. She had a very rare form of cancer that she fought with all she had. Even through her most radical, painful treatments she remained positive. When she finally was in remission I remember watching how much she treasured life. She didn't seem to fuss over the fact that her beautiful blond hair had fallen out and she was now bald. Nope, she rocked the bandannas. She didn't seem to fuss over really anyof the little stuff at the time,she seemed so happy to just be living her life as a normal teenager. Unfortunately, the cancer came back with a vengeance. There were no more treatment options, and just weeks after her 17th birthday and her Junior prom, Chrissy passed away. I still remember my Mom telling me the news, trying to process all the emotions was so hard. I remember how sad and difficult her funeral was. The song Amazing Grace will never be the same. It was one of the hardest things to understand and accept, but I know she is watching over all of us and is now no longer in pain. 
     Recently, more and more, when I think about and realize how much time I fuss over this (basically) trivial stuff I think about Chrissy. I think about how she wouldn't be real happy with me for basically wasting time being so down when I should be enjoying life. I should be enjoy being young, being HEALTHY. She went through so much during her illness and treatment. She went through hell and back and  yet she remained positive. Did she have her hard moments, yes, but she fought to live and be healthy. Now, here I am perfectly healthy, yet I fight it. I fuss. I think I look fat, I feel bloated, I think pants fit too tight. I waste and lose precious time fussing over things that basically do not matter. The bottom line is that I am healthy I am here, I am alive. Why the heck not be happy and LIVE my life. Why not let the trivial stuff go? Chrissy would have. Chrissy did exactly that when she was here with us.
     Through all  this reflection I have decided that I really do need to start embracing real life more and stop fussing over the rather trivial parts. I know my body image and food issues are a part of me and something I will always have to deal with on some level. But they don't have to control me like the have, like they do, there is so much more to life. Chrissy taught me that. I need to strive to be and stay healthy and enjoy everyday I have. Even the days that stink, I need to find something positive, something to enjoy. To me, my goal and choice to change doesn't only mean embracing a healthier lifestyle but embracing life in general. It means learning to breathe, being happy, getting healthy and making Chrissy proud.
      Love you Chrissy and I know your helping me along the way.

Just Another Manic Monday!

     I heard this song and all I could think was I hope that isn't how my Monday ends up. But, regardless of what I wished it did turn into a little bit of a manic Monday for this chick. But the good part is at least it is pretty much over! First, a recap of a weekend before I get to the nitty gritty!!
     Weekend was a good time! Friday night we went and visited some great friends , Katie, Mike and their son Brady, at their new house WAY over in Missouri. It really wasn't far at all but I teased her about it some because her family did as well. Katie and I have been friends since we were in first grade, it is so surreal sometimes to be visiting now with husbands, kids and new houses. But, it is so fun and always great to see them. Saturday night we had a fundraiser for Jeremy's boss to attend. We went to dinner before the fundraiser with some old and new friends which was fun. We had cocktails and more fun at the fundraiser. I had some good girl talk with a good friend , Sam, who was so supportive and kind in everything she said. She told me she still reads my blog and just encouraged me which meant so much!Hopefully we can encourage each other as much when we run our half marathon in April! Sunday was a much needed veg day. Love those sometimes. Yes, even me, Ms. Non-Stop!!
    As the weekend wrapped, it was on to this manic Monday. I have to be honest I am really struggling with the intuitive eating and body image thing at the moment. Part of me wants to blame it on "girl time" and part of me thinks maybe it is just a low. I know I am due for a tune up with my nutritionist and have scheduled one for late next week. I am struggling because I feel like my body is not changing at all through my better diet and my hard work. That it is instead revolting a bit or not responding at all. Although I have been reassured I am doing well, it is getting very difficult for me to believe it. Very hard to keep trusting this. Very hard to NOT fall into old habits, the quick fix. But I have calmed some and have vowed to not fall into the old habits. I know those aren't healthy and will not work long term. I believe realizing this is a good step. The staying focused and believing in myself is what I am struggling with most. I told my nutritionist that I know what the intuitive eating phases are and I understand them to a point but I know a part of me is not fully accepting them. She assured me that could in fact be the case and often is because it is scary to fully embrace these concepts. However, I realize that I need to quit being scared and embrace this. So far this process has been scary and eye opening at points, why still be scared? So to take steps in the direction of fully embracing all the concepts, I am re-reading the book I have and taking new notes. Trying to stay positive. I can't lie this is all hard. Very hard.
     On top of the body issues I had going on in my head today, I also had a rather tough afternoon at work. Again, girl time helps nothing, but just had one of those Mondays I couldn't wait to end. And it did. I do tend to fuss some and worry when I have a tough day like today but my wise Mother did remind me to just breathe and let it go. One would think I would finally grasp this concept as it IS tattooed on my wrist. Baby steps. But Mom would be glad to know that  why I did still fuss and worry, I did also sit back on the couch and relax some. Blogging is part of that relaxation for me.
     So, now it is on to Tuesday which is hopefully less manic than Monday. On to re-educating myself on intuitive eating and staying strong through this process. To not let me get me is the goal of not only the week but the goal of this whole profess.

Friday Again

     Friday again and thank goodness. For some reason, the end of this week has dragged on and on! But we finally made it! Looking forward to the weekend ahead. Tonight Jeremy and I are going to visit some friends who moved into a new "big kid" house in Missouri and tomorrow we have a fundraiser to attend. Looking forward to spending time with some friends I haven't caught up with in a bit. Should be fun.
     This week has been really tough body image wise. I am hoping things improve next week and I am trying to be positive that they will. I know I will have ups and downs as I go through this so I am chalking this week up to a little bit of a down. There is no real reason I can pinpoint as to why I am down to fix it easily, so that's why I am just trying to shake it off. So I will do my best because I have been reassured by both my trainer and nutritionist this week that I am doing really well. That encourages me to get through weeks like this and hope and know next week will get better!
   So here's hoping everyone has a fun weekend! Cheers!

Where's the Sun??

     It has been a dreary first part of the week here in the Midwest!! I don't know if that is having an effect on my mood or what, but it is kind of a tough body confidence week for me. I am feeling rather blah (and bloated) despite sticking with my regular workout and meals. Who knows, guess it is one of those things girls go through. Trying to just ride it out and chalk it up to PMS. Gotta love it!
     Our computer crashed this morning, boo! So, the only blogging I will get to do the next couple of days is at the end of my work day until we fix the computer we have or get a new one. Hint, hint Dunham, I really want an Ipad!!!
     On the upside of things I had a very positive (and hard) training session last night with Susie. We talked about what happened Sunday with the scale not moving and she reassured me (again) that I am doing really well and that my diet is really good. She even told me she wished more people, including herself, would eat like I do! That's coming from a professional, guess I can't get TOO down on myself huh? But talking with her about things, and seeing myself improve throughout my workout yesterday did lift a little bit of this funk. I am so thankful to have her, my nutritionist, my husband and the support of all my family and friends when I am feeling WAY down.
     I am going to head home tonight, put on some comfy clothes, make a healthy dinner and veg with Jeremy and the pups. I am going to hope that tomorrow the sun will shine some and my funk will raise a bit. Regardless, I do have a workout scheduled tomorrow and that always helps and it is one day closer to Friday!

Lots of Love... not to get to gushy!

     Today is Valentine's Day. There are flowers, chocolate and balloons all around! I normally don't get to mushy about Valentine's Day but my husband changed that this year. Way to go Dunham.
     What has meant most to me today are the words my husband wrote on the inside of my very funny Valentine's card . He told me, in a short note, how proud he was of me for getting better with taking care of myself, treating myself right and how much he loves me. He had told me this same thing, last night, out of the blue. He hugged me and told me how proud he was of my establishing and continuing my good eating habits. Before yesterday and today, he has never really commented on things such as this before. Mainly because they are normally a touchy subject in our house! But his words meant so much to me last night and today. Especially because this morning I was having somewhat of a down body day, but his words and encouragement lifted me out of my funk. What he said made me realize there is more to life than fussing over feeling "chubby" one day. Thank you Dunham, your love and support mean more to me than you will even know.
     But love and support in this journey hasn't come from just my husband. Good friends have written very encouraging and supportive comments to the blog that mean so much to me. I want those friends to know your words mean so much and really do motivate me to keep going. I also have gotten emails, Facebook messages and have had conversations with my family and friends that also mean so much. The support is unreal, and very touching.
     So, I hope everyone is having a great Valentine's Day and I hope my Aunt is having a Fabulous 40th birthday! If you don't have anyone "special" today to spend the evening with, rethink that phrase. You DO have someone special to spend it with, because everyone is special in their own way. Cheesy I know, but I heard it in a hysterical E-card my husband sent to our friend Casey today and it rang true. So, try to send lots of love out into the world today. Whether it be kind words, a hug, a kiss, whatever, it means something to someone and lifts spirits. Maybe even your own! Happy Valentine's Day!  

Branching Out

     I branched out today. I did it. I tried hot yoga. And WOW what a workout. After 90 minutes in a 98 degree room I was sufficiently exhausted and now am a little sore. It was a good workout all in all and I stretched places I didn't know could be stretched. I think I would be willing to try it again now, today mid-class with sweat pouring from every part of my body I wasn't so sure! But before yoga began, I hit a bit of a road bump in this path I am on.
     Before I went to class today, when I got up, I decided I wanted to weigh myself again. To see if after all this hard work and such where I was. Well, yup, no weight lost. Now I know it's not really that big of a deal (well I can say that now, this morning it was) but it is in a way discouraging. I have been eating really well and correctly and exercising and yet, nothing shows on the scale, nada. Now I know weight loss isn't really my goal here at all, but I was sure I had lost a little. Nope. So I wrote my nutritionist a what the heck email about the situation then headed to hot yoga. By the time I was done (and uber sweaty) I had an email back from her. She was quite empathetic which helped and she told me this isn't a quick process. I know this, yet I still expected something. She told me I was doing everything right and encouraged me to not fall back into old patterns. Reading all this really helped. Especially with her telling me I was doing things right. I haven't really treated my body right food wise in a long time. So, I decided  to put the scale away for the next six months. Why six months? She told me it can take up to that amount of time for all of this to balance out. So, I am going to practice that whole patience thing and leave the scale be.
     What frustrated me about the whole experience before hot yoga this morning was that the number I saw on the scale put me in an instant snit. I was instantly down on myself. Not fun. I felt insecure at first during  yoga.  I compared myself to all the other ladies that walked in. I was just in a very negative place. But, over the next 90 minutes being forced to focus on myself, my body and what it could do, that changed. I began to realize I am getting stronger and I am getting healthier. That this is about health and balance not the number. Besides being physically challenging the yoga sweat-fest was also mentally challenging which is what I needed today.
     So, while I started in a negative place today I am now feeling better. Also, instead of feeling discouraged about nothing changing yet, I am going to keep moving forward. Just the ambition to keep going forward is progress for me, because I would have given up in the past. Not this time. This time like this blog's title I am choosing to change.

No I Won't Back Down

     This quote here is giving me a bit of inspirtation today to keep my head up. Today has been a hard day.  I went ahead and faced my demon, a/k/a the scale, and unfortunately it did not go well. As I stepped on the scale and looked at the number below I tried to repeat all the things I said yesteday, "It's only a number", "It won't define my worth", but when I looked down and saw that number all that escaped me. I looked and the weight I weighed today (which is for me and my trainer's eyes) is heavier than I have been in some time and I am very unhappy with it. Also, rather unhappy that another pair of pants did not fit properly this morning. Ugh.
     In the past this would have sent me into some sort of crash diet and starvation pattern of sorts, but this morning I vowed not do that. I knew I couldn't. I wouldn't. As I ran the frustration out over 4 miles on the treadmill this morning  I realized that this is not about being skinnny, it is about me being at my healthiest and happiest and at this point, today, I am not yet there. The weight I am at tody I am not. So I fussed, I whined,  complained to my Mom,  and emailed my nutritionist. Who, I now have a date with on Wednesday at 8pm (thank goodness). Both of them told me not to focus on the numbers and many other statements that helped somewhat. I also found the following example on Pintrest of why scales suck:



So, I tried to cheer up a bit, cause like it or not I was in a funk. My husband noticed as I walked out the door  this morning and was so sweet today, emailing me and telling me how much he loves me and how he thinks my body is just perfect. How he will help and support me all he can. And why this is one of the best compliments a girl can receive, I still feel rather dumpy about myself. I know he likes it, and my friends and family will tell me how nice I look (thank you), but I am NOT happy with myself right now. Not happy when I look at myself in the mirror before a shower, or in a swimsuit, or really in any pictures taken recently. So, while I realize I don't look near as "huge" as I imagine I do in my (albeit distorted) mind, I DO want to change a few things about myself so I can be happy with MYSELF and I can think and believe and know I look nice. I want to be able to fit in the clothes again that are a little snug. I do not intend to focus on the scale too much du to the inspiration from the photograph above and some wisdom from my nutritionist. I will not go back to the starvation, yo-yo diet and weight, or too thin version of myself. But I will keep my head up and keep trucking and become the best ME I can. I am being held accountable now by doing this blog. I will just need (and know I have) the support of my family and friends, the wisdom and advice of my trainer and nutritionist and the will do do it this time around. Which I will and can. Have to. Like the song I heard on the radio today at work No I WON'T back down! And tomorrow is a new day....and I am in charge of me.