Where's the Sun??

     It has been a dreary first part of the week here in the Midwest!! I don't know if that is having an effect on my mood or what, but it is kind of a tough body confidence week for me. I am feeling rather blah (and bloated) despite sticking with my regular workout and meals. Who knows, guess it is one of those things girls go through. Trying to just ride it out and chalk it up to PMS. Gotta love it!
     Our computer crashed this morning, boo! So, the only blogging I will get to do the next couple of days is at the end of my work day until we fix the computer we have or get a new one. Hint, hint Dunham, I really want an Ipad!!!
     On the upside of things I had a very positive (and hard) training session last night with Susie. We talked about what happened Sunday with the scale not moving and she reassured me (again) that I am doing really well and that my diet is really good. She even told me she wished more people, including herself, would eat like I do! That's coming from a professional, guess I can't get TOO down on myself huh? But talking with her about things, and seeing myself improve throughout my workout yesterday did lift a little bit of this funk. I am so thankful to have her, my nutritionist, my husband and the support of all my family and friends when I am feeling WAY down.
     I am going to head home tonight, put on some comfy clothes, make a healthy dinner and veg with Jeremy and the pups. I am going to hope that tomorrow the sun will shine some and my funk will raise a bit. Regardless, I do have a workout scheduled tomorrow and that always helps and it is one day closer to Friday!

No I Won't Back Down

     This quote here is giving me a bit of inspirtation today to keep my head up. Today has been a hard day.  I went ahead and faced my demon, a/k/a the scale, and unfortunately it did not go well. As I stepped on the scale and looked at the number below I tried to repeat all the things I said yesteday, "It's only a number", "It won't define my worth", but when I looked down and saw that number all that escaped me. I looked and the weight I weighed today (which is for me and my trainer's eyes) is heavier than I have been in some time and I am very unhappy with it. Also, rather unhappy that another pair of pants did not fit properly this morning. Ugh.
     In the past this would have sent me into some sort of crash diet and starvation pattern of sorts, but this morning I vowed not do that. I knew I couldn't. I wouldn't. As I ran the frustration out over 4 miles on the treadmill this morning  I realized that this is not about being skinnny, it is about me being at my healthiest and happiest and at this point, today, I am not yet there. The weight I am at tody I am not. So I fussed, I whined,  complained to my Mom,  and emailed my nutritionist. Who, I now have a date with on Wednesday at 8pm (thank goodness). Both of them told me not to focus on the numbers and many other statements that helped somewhat. I also found the following example on Pintrest of why scales suck:



So, I tried to cheer up a bit, cause like it or not I was in a funk. My husband noticed as I walked out the door  this morning and was so sweet today, emailing me and telling me how much he loves me and how he thinks my body is just perfect. How he will help and support me all he can. And why this is one of the best compliments a girl can receive, I still feel rather dumpy about myself. I know he likes it, and my friends and family will tell me how nice I look (thank you), but I am NOT happy with myself right now. Not happy when I look at myself in the mirror before a shower, or in a swimsuit, or really in any pictures taken recently. So, while I realize I don't look near as "huge" as I imagine I do in my (albeit distorted) mind, I DO want to change a few things about myself so I can be happy with MYSELF and I can think and believe and know I look nice. I want to be able to fit in the clothes again that are a little snug. I do not intend to focus on the scale too much du to the inspiration from the photograph above and some wisdom from my nutritionist. I will not go back to the starvation, yo-yo diet and weight, or too thin version of myself. But I will keep my head up and keep trucking and become the best ME I can. I am being held accountable now by doing this blog. I will just need (and know I have) the support of my family and friends, the wisdom and advice of my trainer and nutritionist and the will do do it this time around. Which I will and can. Have to. Like the song I heard on the radio today at work No I WON'T back down! And tomorrow is a new day....and I am in charge of me.

Going Out of My Comfort Zone

     Everyone has comfort zone, or a routine of sorts. Things they are more than comfortable doing and things that make them go "eek!" or "nope, not gonna happen!". Well I have decided to try to push OUT of my comfort zone a bit to help further my progress on my path to health and balance.
     Anyone who know me knows I am routine kind of girl, that's just probably never going to change. Thanks to a Father and Mother (more the Father) who are pretty much the same way, I got stuck with that trait. My brother, somehow escaped it. Anywho, while I don't really intend to break any of my daily routines soon I do plan and have already stepped out of my comfort zone a bit.
     I do not like confrontation much, who really does? Unless you are from Jersey or on any of the Real Housewives series confrontation probably makes you a bit uncomfy. But today I was forced to confront (albeit through email) my former personal trainer and tell her I wasn't coming back to classes for awhile. I wrote a short and sweet email saying I am changing many things in my life, I do not mean to offend and that was pretty much the entirity of the message. I know its not MUCH of a "confrontation" but to me it is (baby steps again). Because before I probably would have made excuses as to why I wasn't coming to class until she just left me alone, but today I tried to take the bull by the horns (in cyber space) and stop with the excuses! I feel good about it and feel good about being honest, not just beating around the bush!
     Another situation that is outside my comfort zone, and I have already mentioned in a previous post, is that of weighing myself. This has the tendency to lead me into a tizzy of sorts. However, I have decided that this week, before I go back to my trainer, I am going to weigh myself. I am doing it so I can see what kind of progress I make with my trainer as well as a challenge to myself. I am challenging myself to see the number as just that A FREAKING NUMBER, not as some sort of numeric indicator of how good, bad, pretty, ugly, skinny or fat I am. I am going to try to go into it knowing I am doing GOOD things for my body now (finally!) and that regardless, I am strong and  am feeling the results of my sessions with my new trainer. That what is staring back at me the day I choose to weighh is solely a NUMBER! It is real silly that the act of getting on the scale has become THIS big of  deal to me, but it has, and its something I can change. And will.
     So, so far for the week, those are the first two things out of my comfort zone I am attempting! I will keep you posted! Now, its on to a day of house cleaning, errand running and a Sunday dinner with my parents. Happy Sunday All!