Turnaround Tuesday and a Little Reflection

     Today was definitely a better day. I left yesterday behind and started over. Work was better and went smoother which is a big plus. Thank goodness for fabulous and fun co-workers! I am still struggling with the body stuff, but again I am trying to breathe and just chalk it up to hormones and all that fun girl stuff. Hoping and knowing it will pass (hopefully soon!) is helping me not to freak out too bad. But thinking and fussing over all this stuff has led me to some reflection.
     When I realize how much I fuss over these (somewhat trivial) body image and food issues I can't help but feel guilty a bit. Why guilty? Well, I think of the precious time I waste doing it, time that my cousin Chrissy, who passed away when she was 17 and I was 16, would have given anything for. She had a very rare form of cancer that she fought with all she had. Even through her most radical, painful treatments she remained positive. When she finally was in remission I remember watching how much she treasured life. She didn't seem to fuss over the fact that her beautiful blond hair had fallen out and she was now bald. Nope, she rocked the bandannas. She didn't seem to fuss over really anyof the little stuff at the time,she seemed so happy to just be living her life as a normal teenager. Unfortunately, the cancer came back with a vengeance. There were no more treatment options, and just weeks after her 17th birthday and her Junior prom, Chrissy passed away. I still remember my Mom telling me the news, trying to process all the emotions was so hard. I remember how sad and difficult her funeral was. The song Amazing Grace will never be the same. It was one of the hardest things to understand and accept, but I know she is watching over all of us and is now no longer in pain. 
     Recently, more and more, when I think about and realize how much time I fuss over this (basically) trivial stuff I think about Chrissy. I think about how she wouldn't be real happy with me for basically wasting time being so down when I should be enjoying life. I should be enjoy being young, being HEALTHY. She went through so much during her illness and treatment. She went through hell and back and  yet she remained positive. Did she have her hard moments, yes, but she fought to live and be healthy. Now, here I am perfectly healthy, yet I fight it. I fuss. I think I look fat, I feel bloated, I think pants fit too tight. I waste and lose precious time fussing over things that basically do not matter. The bottom line is that I am healthy I am here, I am alive. Why the heck not be happy and LIVE my life. Why not let the trivial stuff go? Chrissy would have. Chrissy did exactly that when she was here with us.
     Through all  this reflection I have decided that I really do need to start embracing real life more and stop fussing over the rather trivial parts. I know my body image and food issues are a part of me and something I will always have to deal with on some level. But they don't have to control me like the have, like they do, there is so much more to life. Chrissy taught me that. I need to strive to be and stay healthy and enjoy everyday I have. Even the days that stink, I need to find something positive, something to enjoy. To me, my goal and choice to change doesn't only mean embracing a healthier lifestyle but embracing life in general. It means learning to breathe, being happy, getting healthy and making Chrissy proud.
      Love you Chrissy and I know your helping me along the way.

Where's the Sun??

     It has been a dreary first part of the week here in the Midwest!! I don't know if that is having an effect on my mood or what, but it is kind of a tough body confidence week for me. I am feeling rather blah (and bloated) despite sticking with my regular workout and meals. Who knows, guess it is one of those things girls go through. Trying to just ride it out and chalk it up to PMS. Gotta love it!
     Our computer crashed this morning, boo! So, the only blogging I will get to do the next couple of days is at the end of my work day until we fix the computer we have or get a new one. Hint, hint Dunham, I really want an Ipad!!!
     On the upside of things I had a very positive (and hard) training session last night with Susie. We talked about what happened Sunday with the scale not moving and she reassured me (again) that I am doing really well and that my diet is really good. She even told me she wished more people, including herself, would eat like I do! That's coming from a professional, guess I can't get TOO down on myself huh? But talking with her about things, and seeing myself improve throughout my workout yesterday did lift a little bit of this funk. I am so thankful to have her, my nutritionist, my husband and the support of all my family and friends when I am feeling WAY down.
     I am going to head home tonight, put on some comfy clothes, make a healthy dinner and veg with Jeremy and the pups. I am going to hope that tomorrow the sun will shine some and my funk will raise a bit. Regardless, I do have a workout scheduled tomorrow and that always helps and it is one day closer to Friday!

Lots of Love... not to get to gushy!

     Today is Valentine's Day. There are flowers, chocolate and balloons all around! I normally don't get to mushy about Valentine's Day but my husband changed that this year. Way to go Dunham.
     What has meant most to me today are the words my husband wrote on the inside of my very funny Valentine's card . He told me, in a short note, how proud he was of me for getting better with taking care of myself, treating myself right and how much he loves me. He had told me this same thing, last night, out of the blue. He hugged me and told me how proud he was of my establishing and continuing my good eating habits. Before yesterday and today, he has never really commented on things such as this before. Mainly because they are normally a touchy subject in our house! But his words meant so much to me last night and today. Especially because this morning I was having somewhat of a down body day, but his words and encouragement lifted me out of my funk. What he said made me realize there is more to life than fussing over feeling "chubby" one day. Thank you Dunham, your love and support mean more to me than you will even know.
     But love and support in this journey hasn't come from just my husband. Good friends have written very encouraging and supportive comments to the blog that mean so much to me. I want those friends to know your words mean so much and really do motivate me to keep going. I also have gotten emails, Facebook messages and have had conversations with my family and friends that also mean so much. The support is unreal, and very touching.
     So, I hope everyone is having a great Valentine's Day and I hope my Aunt is having a Fabulous 40th birthday! If you don't have anyone "special" today to spend the evening with, rethink that phrase. You DO have someone special to spend it with, because everyone is special in their own way. Cheesy I know, but I heard it in a hysterical E-card my husband sent to our friend Casey today and it rang true. So, try to send lots of love out into the world today. Whether it be kind words, a hug, a kiss, whatever, it means something to someone and lifts spirits. Maybe even your own! Happy Valentine's Day!  

Great News! Great Dinner!

     The Dunham's got some EXCELLENT news today! Today we found out that my father in law is CANCER free!! He had been diagnosed with prostate cancer last May, had surgery in July and has been recovering since. The last PSA test (the test that indicated if cancer is present) was really low, but today it was ZERO!! This is absolutely fantastic news!!
     To celebrate this good news, and the fact that it is American Idol night, it was pizza night in the Dunham household tonight. I didn't mention in my last post about our pizza nights here that Jeremy makes all the crust and bread sticks from scratch, and let me tell you AMAZEBALLS!! Tonight we made my pizza a little differently and grilled the crust up first then topped it with all my veggie deliciousness!! I even added some new toppings tonight, roasted garlic and spinach along with the usual veggies and some light sprinkling of cheese. I even tried some red pepper flakes!It was SO good. It was cracker thin crust and hit the spot!! I ate all but one piece of what we named the "Squirt" pizza. The pups and Jeremy enjoyed the last piece. I can't wait to have this again and add even more new toppings or maybe a new cheese! It is so nice to enjoy a dinner experience and ignore or disregard negative thoughts. In fact tonight, there were none. Another step in the right direction I believe.
    Now after this day of fabulous news and a delicious dinner we are relaxing on the couch watching the Idol contestants try to make it through Hollywood week. Hope everyone is having a fabulous Wednesday as well.

Spreading More Positivity

     Rainy rainy day here today. So, I decided to spread some positivity and post another Operation Beautiful note at the gym today. I posted the following note on the mirror in the women's locker room:

     I hope ithe not cheers up a stranger's day. I checked the locker I put the note in last week and it was still there. Not sure if anyone used the locker or if they just left it. Either way, knowing I have done it twice now raises my spirits and hopefully others!       I got an email last night from my nutritionist analyzing my food diary. I am still lacking a bit in calories, protein and fat, but making progress. Where before I probably would have thrown in the towel at this point because I would assume I would never get better, today I am not. Her email was not negative in any way, but encouraging. She gave me tips on how to keep improving and told me that those points are not the only focus, hunger and fullness are issues to focus on as well. When I wrote her back I explained I would really try harder this week (and longer) to get to these goals she would like to see me at. But I was also honest,  telling her that some food still scares me  as well as the idea I am eating too much or more than I think I should . She reassured me that eating more would actually do the opposite of what I think (weight gain) and speed UP my metabolism (weight loss). So, where I have known this in my head, reading it again has reinforced the idea and keeps me motivated to keep going and moving forward.
     Now, on to the fun Saturday stuff. This afternoon we are heading to my favorite running store in Chesterfield. Then tonight the husband and I are heading to St. Louis for a little staycation . He found a great deal on a hotel downtown, so we are going to go out with some friends, watch the Mizzou basketball game and see where the evening takes us. Emilio is having a slumber party at Grandma and Grandpa's and Lucy is going to have a quiet evening at home with Grandma and Grandpa checking in. Should be a fun evening after a long week! Have a great Saturday and spread some positivity!