My Own Problem? My Own Solution?

     I found this quote today on another blog, it says "You are your own problem and you are your own solution." Now, this SPOKE to me for a number of reasons.
      First, I had my Skype session with my nutritionist (finally!) the other night. It is always good to get both a professional's and outsider'ss opinion on things. She did make me feel better by telling me that I am really grasping some of the concepts of intuitive eating. She also told me that I am too hard on myself. (DUH!) I always have been tough on myself, not sure why. I can only assume it is one of the qualities of being a perfectionist, fabulous! Anyway, basically being too hard on myself will only slow progress in this path to intuitive eating. Ding ding...there I am being my own problem.
     Second, again in the session, as we were chatting she was kind of making me think of WHY I sometimes get so anxious around food or in certain situations involving food. A light bulb went off. I tend to  "take on" other people's emotions or I worry about if others around me are having a good time. I don't worry or pay attention to myself. Therefore, I am not self-aware and cannot really engage in intuitive eating. I figured this out by explaining a story from the weekend when Jeremy had been rather grumpy and I just assumed it was something I did (again, taking responsibility for nothing!) and that put me in a funk and unfortunately led to me kind of falling off my intuitive eating wagon. Again, being my own problem.
     Third, as I was just pondering all of these light bulb moments that were arising this morning. I also thought about another issue. I never really SLOW down per say. I am always up and moving from one thing or another, especially in the evenings when I get home from work. Or, as Jeremy will tell you, when I try to watch a movie! Anyway, in this rush to get things done for the next day, or house chores done, I also rush my meals or decisions about what to have. Again, by doing so I cannot engage in intuitive eating. I can't really listen to my body, what it wants, what it needs, when I am full. Ding ding ding Jen...being your own problem again!
      So, as I realize that I am my own problem in a number of instances here, I can also, as the quote says, become my own solution. See, I think with this intuitive eating process I believed it would just all come to me at once and be easy. Oops, WRONG! I realized this before my session with  my nutritionist started. I guess it is because before I have always taken the "easy" and rather unhealthy route when it came to food,  I just restricted and ignored my body. This is the complete polar opposite of what I am doing now! So this is all way out of my comfort zone and a change!! But, it is also the SOLUTION to what I have been struggling with for so long.
    How am I going to be my own solution to some of the problems I make for myself? Well, this is how. First, I need to SLOW down. Now, this will take quite a bit of effort as I am Type A and that won't change. But I need to realize that life will still happen, it doesn't all have to be done at once. I also need to incorporate the idea of intuitive eating, that food will be there regardless, don't have to rush meals. Take time. Savor. I may also try a yoga class or DVD once a week. And really make an effort to do so, as I have made this promise to myself before and obviously gotten nowhere. Another thing I can do to solve my problems above is realize that more often than NOT other people's moods and emotions have nothing to do with me. That the ONLY person I am responsible for is myself. That I am in charge of my own happiness and moods and that's it. I am not responsible for others. OF course I will still be happy and pleasant and aid in promotion of good moods, but I can't change the way people think or feel. LIGHT BULB!!!
    I believe this what one calls progress and I am feeling good about it. Finally, after a month or so of struggling. So, here's to everyone being their own solution!
    

Been Thinking

     Well, the weekend went too fast again and now it's already Monday night! Bloomington was a good time as usual. Good to visit with the family and Miles. I always crack up watching Jeremy and Miles together, they are almost the same person sometimes! They laugh just the same...seriously its scary. All in all it was a good time, but again I had a little setback.
     I won't get into all the nitty gritty of the setback, because to be honest its exhausting to keep going back there and I am a little upset with myself over it. I know I am supposed to relax about it all and know it is part of the process, but it's getting old! It is like I come so far and have all the best intentions and then WHAM three steps back. It is almost like a small part of me sabotages the larger part that is trying to be strong and get better. I try to relax about it and I do handle it a little better than I used to, but I would just assume not be in that position at all. My nutritionist has some ideas to talk with me about during our session tomorrow. She wants to share some thoughts and exercises that will help me out when I am struggling or facing tough situations when it comes to this stuff. I am going to really listen and incorporate these from now on. I think, again, part of me hears and understands it all but there is some part of me won't fully embrace it. I think it is the same part of me that sabotages progress at certain times. I really want that part not to rear its ugly head so often, I  am so fed up. I just want to be better. I think I will,  this is just all going to take a long while.
     Man! I am a little bit Debbie Downer today but feels a little better to have it off my chest! On the brighter side, I got my new cookbook and am planning to try out a new recipe or two this week! I already tried some new protein bars tonight, not bad,  but also not the greatest, but  tasted alright. Definitely what we call "Jen food" in our house. 
     So, I am going to try to keep my head up right now. I have to look at the progress I have made and remember that this is about progress not perfection. As a perfectionist, this is pretty hard to fully embrace, but I am going to try like hell!

Proud Sister

     Tuesday is here and almost done now, seems like the week is flying by! Not always a bad thing especially when it seems to be going smoother than last week for me. Not so much for my husband who seems to be down and out today with either the flu or something along thost lines. Either way, not pretty at our household. I am keeping my distance.
    Tonight that distance involves Dad and I  heading over to St. Louis for an award ceremony for my brother Ben. He is a St. Louis Police Officer. Yes, I didn't only marry a police officer, my brother is one as well. They are everywhere! Anyway, he is being recognized tonight in regards to a scary incident he was involved in last fall. Even though Jeremy and I tease him about getting this award, I am very proud of him. I have always been kind of a mother hen and rather protective of my baby brother. Which is now funny that he is about 6 inches taller than me and much broader. But, I always have been that way with him.  It is funny for me to watch him all dressed up in uniform and doing his job as a St. Louis police officer. Guess I should be used to it by now, he's done it for almost two years, but I am not. Either way, as scary as it is for him to be a police officer in St. Louis City, I can't express really how proud I am of him. He won't ever let me get to gushy so I figured I could put some of it on here, because I doubt he reads it regularly. So, needless to say I may get a little emotional tonight, damn that big sister gene!!
     On other fronts, I realized last night I am kind of slacking in my personal cooking challenge. I have done some baking of new healthy desserts lately. I made some awesome cookie dough balls from the website ChocolateCoveredKatie.com. I recommend them if you are craving something sweet and  healthy! But, I haven't been COOKING much. I am trying to remedy that by buying a new cookbook off Amazon (I'm Jen and I am addicted to Amazon) and hopefully trying some new recipes out of that book. The cookbook I purchased is The Hungry Girl Cookbook. I get her daily emails so I decided to give her book a try! Will keep everyone posted on progress.
     I am still kind of struggling with the body image stuff as another pair of jeans didn't fit how I wanted this morning. But I have been emailing with my nutritionist and she keeps repeating to me that STRESS plays a big roll in this process and the more I stress the worse off I will be. Which I do realize but I am a worrier, a fusser, I stress. But for some reason her teling me pointe blank (for the 100th time) that the stress hormones can interfere with weight and such, it FINALLY hit me. Kind of another AHA moment so to speak. So I am really, really going to try to make an effort to CHILLAX about this. For goodness sake I have "Breathe" tattooed on my wrist, I put it there for a reason when I started this journey.It is supposed to be a daily reminderalthough I haven't been using it much lately. Time to stop ignoring it and get back to business.
     Well, it's off to Ben's ceremony in a short while. Taking the kleenex and the camera with me! Have a great Tuesdsay everyone.

Training around the Corner

     Here it is Friday again and I am very thankful!! Phew, made it! I have been waiting for Friday since Monday. However, what is on my mind today isn't just the fun weekend ahead, but also the next eight weeks. On Monday I will start training for the Champaign Half Marathon in April. April 29th to be exact. This will be my 7th (I think ) half marathon. This will be my first long race since my knee injury. I am both excited and a little intimidated.
    Because I am a wee bit OCD and organized , I always have a training plan for these races that I stick to. It makes me feel more in control, shocking I know. But it also helps keep me honest and looking back as I train keeps me motivated during those weeks where I think what the heck have I gotten myself into. So this year is no different, I am scouring the Internet looking up different plans and paces, trying to decide what is right for me. When I visited the Runner's World website and looked at one of the plans there was also a link to some nutrition articles. I decided to click on one. Glad I did.
   I clicked on an article titled "Running on Empty". The article is written by a male runner who talks about his experience training for his first marathon and the disordered eating patterns he developed in the process. The article goes on to talk about issues with disordered eating and runners. Let me tell you, I saw myself and my behaviors in there. In the article the writer states that manipulating one's food and body offers a sense of control and perfection. WHOA yup, that's me. Control and perfection have always been part of who I am, part of my personality. I like to think it has to do with my birth order. But I digress, I read this article with eyes wide, absorbing it all. It discussed that runners often lose weight and think that is why their times improve, rather than other factors such as training and sleep habits. This was me. As was the example of the runner who would do his long runs and never properly refuel and pretty much make himself sick . I wasn't near as bad as the man mentioned in the article, but I often only ate a measly Quaker Oats 100 calorie granola bar for breakfast after a 10 mile run. Then only a Clif bar and apple for lunch. Yes, really I did that. I know, it's not good. I consider myself blessed I didn't get hurt sooner than I did over training and treating myself this way. Guess my knee injury was God's way of telling me JEN treat yourself RIGHT!!
     So, after reading the article with motivating statements in it telling the readers that healthy eating isn't less eating and so forth I feel ready to tackle this half marathon training. I am struggling right now with the food thing, I have been honest about that here in the past few posts. But I am still eating, trying not to let myself restrict, trying not to fuss and trying respect my body. Trying to understand my body is changing, adjusting to being treated better, finally. With the training will come more changes, as I will be running more and there will be spikes in hunger levels. But I will try my best and give it my all to listen to my body and what it wants. Give it what it needs, especially after long runs. Which is definitely not just a 100 calorie granola bar! I am going to keep thinking the healthy eating is not less eating and try to nourish my body.
     I have done enough half marathons to know that I will hit my wall at 7 1/2 miles wondering why I decided to do this. What was I thinking? But this year I will try to push past that point  by thinking that I am really doing this for the healthier Jen. For the Jen that back in July could not run 1 mile pain free. I am doing this to prove to myself that I am strong and  I will overcome these issues I have with food and body image. I am going to cross that finish line proud, no matter what time is on the clock, because I treated my body right. I will know I  did my best and I have come so far and will continue to do so.
 Cheers everyone! Happy Friday!

Turnaround Tuesday and a Little Reflection

     Today was definitely a better day. I left yesterday behind and started over. Work was better and went smoother which is a big plus. Thank goodness for fabulous and fun co-workers! I am still struggling with the body stuff, but again I am trying to breathe and just chalk it up to hormones and all that fun girl stuff. Hoping and knowing it will pass (hopefully soon!) is helping me not to freak out too bad. But thinking and fussing over all this stuff has led me to some reflection.
     When I realize how much I fuss over these (somewhat trivial) body image and food issues I can't help but feel guilty a bit. Why guilty? Well, I think of the precious time I waste doing it, time that my cousin Chrissy, who passed away when she was 17 and I was 16, would have given anything for. She had a very rare form of cancer that she fought with all she had. Even through her most radical, painful treatments she remained positive. When she finally was in remission I remember watching how much she treasured life. She didn't seem to fuss over the fact that her beautiful blond hair had fallen out and she was now bald. Nope, she rocked the bandannas. She didn't seem to fuss over really anyof the little stuff at the time,she seemed so happy to just be living her life as a normal teenager. Unfortunately, the cancer came back with a vengeance. There were no more treatment options, and just weeks after her 17th birthday and her Junior prom, Chrissy passed away. I still remember my Mom telling me the news, trying to process all the emotions was so hard. I remember how sad and difficult her funeral was. The song Amazing Grace will never be the same. It was one of the hardest things to understand and accept, but I know she is watching over all of us and is now no longer in pain. 
     Recently, more and more, when I think about and realize how much time I fuss over this (basically) trivial stuff I think about Chrissy. I think about how she wouldn't be real happy with me for basically wasting time being so down when I should be enjoying life. I should be enjoy being young, being HEALTHY. She went through so much during her illness and treatment. She went through hell and back and  yet she remained positive. Did she have her hard moments, yes, but she fought to live and be healthy. Now, here I am perfectly healthy, yet I fight it. I fuss. I think I look fat, I feel bloated, I think pants fit too tight. I waste and lose precious time fussing over things that basically do not matter. The bottom line is that I am healthy I am here, I am alive. Why the heck not be happy and LIVE my life. Why not let the trivial stuff go? Chrissy would have. Chrissy did exactly that when she was here with us.
     Through all  this reflection I have decided that I really do need to start embracing real life more and stop fussing over the rather trivial parts. I know my body image and food issues are a part of me and something I will always have to deal with on some level. But they don't have to control me like the have, like they do, there is so much more to life. Chrissy taught me that. I need to strive to be and stay healthy and enjoy everyday I have. Even the days that stink, I need to find something positive, something to enjoy. To me, my goal and choice to change doesn't only mean embracing a healthier lifestyle but embracing life in general. It means learning to breathe, being happy, getting healthy and making Chrissy proud.
      Love you Chrissy and I know your helping me along the way.

Just Another Manic Monday!

     I heard this song and all I could think was I hope that isn't how my Monday ends up. But, regardless of what I wished it did turn into a little bit of a manic Monday for this chick. But the good part is at least it is pretty much over! First, a recap of a weekend before I get to the nitty gritty!!
     Weekend was a good time! Friday night we went and visited some great friends , Katie, Mike and their son Brady, at their new house WAY over in Missouri. It really wasn't far at all but I teased her about it some because her family did as well. Katie and I have been friends since we were in first grade, it is so surreal sometimes to be visiting now with husbands, kids and new houses. But, it is so fun and always great to see them. Saturday night we had a fundraiser for Jeremy's boss to attend. We went to dinner before the fundraiser with some old and new friends which was fun. We had cocktails and more fun at the fundraiser. I had some good girl talk with a good friend , Sam, who was so supportive and kind in everything she said. She told me she still reads my blog and just encouraged me which meant so much!Hopefully we can encourage each other as much when we run our half marathon in April! Sunday was a much needed veg day. Love those sometimes. Yes, even me, Ms. Non-Stop!!
    As the weekend wrapped, it was on to this manic Monday. I have to be honest I am really struggling with the intuitive eating and body image thing at the moment. Part of me wants to blame it on "girl time" and part of me thinks maybe it is just a low. I know I am due for a tune up with my nutritionist and have scheduled one for late next week. I am struggling because I feel like my body is not changing at all through my better diet and my hard work. That it is instead revolting a bit or not responding at all. Although I have been reassured I am doing well, it is getting very difficult for me to believe it. Very hard to keep trusting this. Very hard to NOT fall into old habits, the quick fix. But I have calmed some and have vowed to not fall into the old habits. I know those aren't healthy and will not work long term. I believe realizing this is a good step. The staying focused and believing in myself is what I am struggling with most. I told my nutritionist that I know what the intuitive eating phases are and I understand them to a point but I know a part of me is not fully accepting them. She assured me that could in fact be the case and often is because it is scary to fully embrace these concepts. However, I realize that I need to quit being scared and embrace this. So far this process has been scary and eye opening at points, why still be scared? So to take steps in the direction of fully embracing all the concepts, I am re-reading the book I have and taking new notes. Trying to stay positive. I can't lie this is all hard. Very hard.
     On top of the body issues I had going on in my head today, I also had a rather tough afternoon at work. Again, girl time helps nothing, but just had one of those Mondays I couldn't wait to end. And it did. I do tend to fuss some and worry when I have a tough day like today but my wise Mother did remind me to just breathe and let it go. One would think I would finally grasp this concept as it IS tattooed on my wrist. Baby steps. But Mom would be glad to know that  why I did still fuss and worry, I did also sit back on the couch and relax some. Blogging is part of that relaxation for me.
     So, now it is on to Tuesday which is hopefully less manic than Monday. On to re-educating myself on intuitive eating and staying strong through this process. To not let me get me is the goal of not only the week but the goal of this whole profess.

Friday Again

     Friday again and thank goodness. For some reason, the end of this week has dragged on and on! But we finally made it! Looking forward to the weekend ahead. Tonight Jeremy and I are going to visit some friends who moved into a new "big kid" house in Missouri and tomorrow we have a fundraiser to attend. Looking forward to spending time with some friends I haven't caught up with in a bit. Should be fun.
     This week has been really tough body image wise. I am hoping things improve next week and I am trying to be positive that they will. I know I will have ups and downs as I go through this so I am chalking this week up to a little bit of a down. There is no real reason I can pinpoint as to why I am down to fix it easily, so that's why I am just trying to shake it off. So I will do my best because I have been reassured by both my trainer and nutritionist this week that I am doing really well. That encourages me to get through weeks like this and hope and know next week will get better!
   So here's hoping everyone has a fun weekend! Cheers!

Where's the Sun??

     It has been a dreary first part of the week here in the Midwest!! I don't know if that is having an effect on my mood or what, but it is kind of a tough body confidence week for me. I am feeling rather blah (and bloated) despite sticking with my regular workout and meals. Who knows, guess it is one of those things girls go through. Trying to just ride it out and chalk it up to PMS. Gotta love it!
     Our computer crashed this morning, boo! So, the only blogging I will get to do the next couple of days is at the end of my work day until we fix the computer we have or get a new one. Hint, hint Dunham, I really want an Ipad!!!
     On the upside of things I had a very positive (and hard) training session last night with Susie. We talked about what happened Sunday with the scale not moving and she reassured me (again) that I am doing really well and that my diet is really good. She even told me she wished more people, including herself, would eat like I do! That's coming from a professional, guess I can't get TOO down on myself huh? But talking with her about things, and seeing myself improve throughout my workout yesterday did lift a little bit of this funk. I am so thankful to have her, my nutritionist, my husband and the support of all my family and friends when I am feeling WAY down.
     I am going to head home tonight, put on some comfy clothes, make a healthy dinner and veg with Jeremy and the pups. I am going to hope that tomorrow the sun will shine some and my funk will raise a bit. Regardless, I do have a workout scheduled tomorrow and that always helps and it is one day closer to Friday!

Lots of Love... not to get to gushy!

     Today is Valentine's Day. There are flowers, chocolate and balloons all around! I normally don't get to mushy about Valentine's Day but my husband changed that this year. Way to go Dunham.
     What has meant most to me today are the words my husband wrote on the inside of my very funny Valentine's card . He told me, in a short note, how proud he was of me for getting better with taking care of myself, treating myself right and how much he loves me. He had told me this same thing, last night, out of the blue. He hugged me and told me how proud he was of my establishing and continuing my good eating habits. Before yesterday and today, he has never really commented on things such as this before. Mainly because they are normally a touchy subject in our house! But his words meant so much to me last night and today. Especially because this morning I was having somewhat of a down body day, but his words and encouragement lifted me out of my funk. What he said made me realize there is more to life than fussing over feeling "chubby" one day. Thank you Dunham, your love and support mean more to me than you will even know.
     But love and support in this journey hasn't come from just my husband. Good friends have written very encouraging and supportive comments to the blog that mean so much to me. I want those friends to know your words mean so much and really do motivate me to keep going. I also have gotten emails, Facebook messages and have had conversations with my family and friends that also mean so much. The support is unreal, and very touching.
     So, I hope everyone is having a great Valentine's Day and I hope my Aunt is having a Fabulous 40th birthday! If you don't have anyone "special" today to spend the evening with, rethink that phrase. You DO have someone special to spend it with, because everyone is special in their own way. Cheesy I know, but I heard it in a hysterical E-card my husband sent to our friend Casey today and it rang true. So, try to send lots of love out into the world today. Whether it be kind words, a hug, a kiss, whatever, it means something to someone and lifts spirits. Maybe even your own! Happy Valentine's Day!  

Sunshine on a Tuesday!

     Finally the sun came out today! But that being said, today sure felt like a Monday rather than a Tuesday, at least to me anyway! Phew! Glad it is winding down and I have a workout with Susie planned in a bit that I know will perk me up. I brought the cookies I made last night to work today and they got good reviews. So, it really was a success! Hooray! Mom still has to give her opinion but I am assuming it will be the same!
     My goal is to do one more new recipe this week (that could be tomorrow night ) but if not, I am pretty proud of myself that I got through two already. It's funny how not until you really start changing and trying new things do you realize how stuck you were. Just looking back over the past few weeks, since I have really been focusing on getting better, I realize what a negative place I was in. It really is an awakening to go through this, the ups and downs, because I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know the light is there because already I feel and see improvements in myself.
      So, I guess really my post today is just that if any of you are considering changing something in your life and are scared (like I was) it is so worth it. Really, it is. Yes, you will fail sometimes. Yes, it will be hard and scary. However, when you get even just a few weeks into it and start feeling better about things you realize that it really is worth it. That is where I am right now. I know I will have more downs and ups, but I know they will all get me to goal and all be worth it! So here are to ups and downs and finally some sunshine on a Tuesday!

Here is a picture of my pups enjoying the sunshine today:

Ups and Downs

     Back home from a fun weekend in Bloomington! A few of the highlights (ups):  we hung out with friends, had cocktails, played Mad Gab and relaxed in the hot tub on Friday evening. On Saturday we all had lunch together at the Pub II (mmm...cheeseballs!), then we went shopping with my niece and mother in law for my niece's prom dress ( I can't believe she's going to her Junior Prom in April!). Saturday night we hung out at home and watched football (poor Tebow!) and played another game together ( I won Scrabble!). It was fun, as always, to see them and hang out, makes me wish we all lived closer. But even with all these ups this weekend, unfortunately, I had some downs.
     I went into this weekend armed with my new mantras and strong willed to really conquer some of my anxiety about food and such. I did rather well on Friday night, I really was proud of myself. I even emailed my nutritionist about how proud of myself I felt. I woke up Saturday morning and didn't feel disgusted with myself for eating too much (which has happened often in past) or didn't have the urge to get up and run or exercise to basically make myself feel less guilty. I actually relaxed a bit and laid in bed with my husband and Lucy and laughed and talked. It was so nice, Jeremy and I had a lot of great time together this weekend (up)! I even decided to just take the weekend off and not to any exercise, and not only was I proud of myself, Jeremy was proud too. Well, as great as Saturday morning was, things went downhill after that in a sense and some old demons crept in.
     As I mentioned, we went out to lunch on Saturday to a place called The Pub II and had some great appetizers that can only be enjoyed there. Cheeseballs!! I really tried to just enjoy it and not think my normal distorted thoughts about eating the "bar food". I did ok, struggled a bit. But later Saturday evening, I fell back into old patterns. I reverted right to where I didn't want to go and by the end of the evening I was miserable and uncomfortable. My husband who is right along with me in all of this, let me vent to him. Which is the sweetest thing, but nothing was going to help. So I went to bed, and then today (all day) the old thoughts have been around and I have felt so down on myself.
     I just get so frustrated because I want this so bad. I want to be comfortable with myself and my body for the first time in a long time. I want to be comfortable around food and have a normal relationship with food. I want to be better not just for me, but for Jeremy and our future family (which was discussed this weekend and was nice to talk about). So, in thinking about it all on the way home, after sending off an email for some guidance to my nutritionist, I realized a few things (again).
     I realized that I can't be too awful hard on myself for a slip up, they will happen. That I have only been really trying at intuitive eating for less than a month now. That real change is going to take TIME and patience (I have to keep repeating this if you haven't noticed). That the ideas of intuitive eating are clicking bit by bit and I need to focus on that. That anyone can change if they put their mind to it (my nutritionist emailed me that) and the change will be amazing. So, I will try to just look at this weekend as a little bit of a bump in the road. I will learn from it. I hate feeling the way I have felt during the downs this weekend and I really realized it is not worth it at all. So, maybe this slip up was necessary and part of getting to my goal. to make me more focused and strong willed about succeeding. That is how I am going to try to look at it at least.
     So, all in all a  successful (and too short) visit to Bloomington. Even with the downs I learned something about myself and this journey. I guess it is true, we live and we learn. I am doing a lot of learning, that is for sure.