So, I woke up this morning still dragging a little from the busy (but fun) weekend. After exercising, showering and getting ready I put on my dress clothes for work today. I haven't worn my dressier clothes since I quit my old job because my new job has a rather comfortable dress code. Anyway, when I put the pants on they were tighter than I remembered. And this my friends, put me in a tizzy. Right back to where I didn't want to be. All the thoughts and urges to go back to my old ways came flooding back. Ugh. When I stopped in the office I was emailing with my Mom. She turned around and put me in my place.
My Mom and I are very close and I don't know what I would do without her. She is honestly one of my best friends. And today my Mom was both a best friend and a mom and got brutally honest with me. My Mom wrote me back more than one very BLUNT emails telling me to stop this constant up and down I put myself through. She gave me one helluva reality check.
Her email basically told me I have been coddled too long with this and basically I need to stop focusing so much on this body issue stuff and being so self-involved about it and focus on other things. Things such as my life, my marriage, ANYTHING else but my body. Now, while some may think this was rather harsh, mind you, she has been through this with me all the way. Although no one ever really wants to face a real reality check, I am glad she said what she said. I took it all to heart. What is funny is that (Mom pay attention as you read this) she is SO right.
After reading the emails and taking it all in, I am over it. Not the email, not the reality check. But myself. Now, I have said this before, but for some reason today it feels different. I am over fussing if I am eating the right thing at the right time, over if I am eating enough calories for the day, if there will be healthy options wherever I will be eating if going out. I am over trying to focus so much on the intuitiveness of it all, I just want to pay attention to my body. What I want and what my body is telling me I need. Which I guess is part of the intuitive eating process, in my own words. So, to do this and basically get over it all I have to do a few things.
One thing I definitely need to do to get over this is to leave this disordered eating in the past. Yes, I have struggled with it for a long time. Yes it has sucked and ruined some days. But the worst of it is behind me and it needs to stay there. I know how to be healthy, what to eat and do to be healthy. Healthy is the focus now. Another step I probably should take is to stop doing the calorie counting . Although I don't mind doing it, I believe it drags me back towards focusing too much on the food and can spawn some of the old obsessive thoughts. So, I need to cut off my membership to Myfitnesspal.com, for now anyway. I also need to focus on other things than my disordered eating here in my blog. I am over talking about it, thinking about it. It's done and over and I need to focus on new and better things in life. I want to try some new things and focus on those and other fun experiences that life has to offer. Things that have nothing to do with eating disorders. I want to focus more on actually LIVING the healthy life I want. I want to share the new things, be it recipes, classes, exercises, whatever that I want to try in my journey to achieving a healthy lifestyle.
So there it is, a reality check on a Monday. One I wasn't expecting but really did need. One that really struck a chord today and has changed my perspective on this whole issue. Mom also reminded me that Chrissy would not approve of me living the way I have lately with the fussing and such, wasting time. That is so true.
Thanks Mom for the words of wisdom, you always seem to know what I need. So, I am signing off on the disordered eating talk. I am leaving that all behind me and not letting it be a major issue for myself and my thoughts anymore. Time to move on, like Kelly Clarkson sings...(sing it with my Jer) "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger..."
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