Everything Happens for a Reason

     I have long believed in the saying "everything happens for a reason", and this week I am trying (hard) to keep that belief and instill some of it in Jeremy.With his new and unexpected job changes our household has been a little down in the dumps. Jer is disappointed to be leaving the people he has worked well with for so long. I am bummed for him, and bummed I don't get to see some of my friends as often. The whole thing just came out of the blue, and change is hard, this I know, so all I can do is support Jeremy through his changes as he is helping me through mine.
     On a happier note, the banana bread that was cooking last night as I wrote my blog turned out pretty darn good (picture below!). Could have used a little more banana but I used all I had. It was mighty tasty though for having no white sugar and no eggs! Jeremy even tried and liked it. He likes his "naner" bread a little gooey , and this wasn't gooey at all, but he still enjoyed a big piece (with peanut butter) tonight. Another success with a new recipe which inspires me to keep trekking along in my personal cooking challenge. I think tomorrow night I am going to attempt a broccoli-mushroom casserole...dun dun dun.
     So now it's off to bed to rest my muscles from my good , but tough,  workout tonight with Susie. Also, to rest my mind from fretting about my bummed out husband. But, things will work out just the way they are supposed to, this I do have faith in. I have to keep believing the Big Man has a plan for all of us and that "everything happens for a reason."





MMM! So good warm outta the oven!!

     

Just Another Monday

     Today was another Monday, not a bad one, just a Monday. I had all intentions of trying a new recipe for dinner tonight, but on my way home I just felt pooped out and reconsidered. But, I forged through the laziness and tried not one, but two new recipes again tonight! I am proud of myself for branching out with this cooking thing again!
    Dinner was a peanut noodle recipe from my nutritionist Although Jeremy will argue he cooked most of it (he did cook the chicken, and helped watch the noodles) I did my share too. It turned out really good! Whole wheat noodles in a peanut sauce, chicken breast, mixed veggies and crushed peanuts on top. Here's what it looked like before I devoured the deliciousness:




YUM!



     After this tasty dinner I decided to try a recipe for a healthified vegan banana bread. It is in the oven as we speak and smells delicious. I will report tomorrow on how it actually tastes. But from what the batter tasted like, it should be good.

     So, turns out I really like trying these new recipes and food. I know none of it is anything wild, but trying these things are a far step from where I once was. I was once so scared of food I didn't "know" or couldn't calculate. Now, I realize it's about being healthy, fueling my body but still enjoying what I am eating. It's funny how it all comes together more and more as I go along. I figured it would  all start making sense but feels good to be making progress. I still have a ways to go, I can't say I don't still struggle at times and have to fight the negative thoughts. But it is getting a lot better, slowly.

     Well, the banana bread is near done and ready to be taken out of the oven so I better get to taste testing so I have something to blog about tomorrow!

Change is the Name of the Game this Year

     For not being a big fan of change, I am experiencing a lot of it so far this year. First with my choice to change and get healthier and now, as we found out this weekend, Jeremy's job is changing a bit. Nothing drastic, but he will be working a different schedule and with some new people. We weren't expecting this to happen, but it is and we figure now it is a new chapter in our lives. And like I like to say "Everything happens for a reason". Not to mention now we can attend Cardinals Opening Day! (Bonus!)
     Jeremy put me up to a bit of a baking challenge tonight. He wanted some chocolate cookies and wanted then to be similar to my mom's cookies which are his favorite. Her's are always a little thiner and soft and chewy. Mine are good but not as thin and chewy normally. I decided I would try my best  to make cookies identical to Mom's and they turned out pretty darn good may I say! In the past, I would never let myself sit down and enjoy a couple cookies, I would eat something "healthier" instead, ignoring what I really wanted. But tonight, when I was done baking I sat down and ate a couple cookies and enjoyed them.  I didn't even let myself think negative thoughts about it, and that, feels so good. I may even have some more later if I want because I can, because having a cookie is not a crime! I am finally learning, accepting and embracing that. Finally.
     So now onto the week ahead. I planned my meals out so I can try a couple new recipes. I am actually excited to cook! Never thought I would think that. So, here's to the start of another week and hoping it is a good one!




MMMMMM!!! Fresh out of the oven!

     

Sunny Saturday

     The sun is shining here today, a little chilly, but seeing the sun again is so nice! The pretty day put me in a pretty good mood as soon as I woke up this morning. My trip to the gym added to my good mood because  I finished a five mile run today to make my weekly total this week 27 miles! I am so excited! I finally feel like my ol' running self, but much healthier!!
    Well, after my run, and because of the running euphoria I was in, I decided to post my first Operation Beautiful note. I went into the locker room at the gym, after running to change and wrote a little operation beautiful note and stuck it in an empty locker, here is what it said:

     I have to admit I felt a little silly doing it at first, but I knew that if I saw a random note like this it would make me smile. And I thought that putting it in the empty locker at the gym could perk up a random stranger's mood if she's feeling down on herself or her body. I hoped to inspire this  woman and hopefully let her see she is beautiful the way she is, just like the note says. I have to say after posting it I did feel a little giddy, wondering who would find it and hoping the message was received like I intended! My Operation Beautiful Mission added to my good mood!
     We had fun last night at dinner and ice skating. Dinner was delicious, I tried gazpacho for the first time and found it to be well, amazeballs. Jeremy finally got a GOOD meatball sandwich like he wanted and Ben and Jess enjoyed pasta. After the yummy dinner we went ice skating in Forest Park. It was discovered during this point in the evening that the Hawkins children, me and Ben, just aren't meant for winter sports. Ice skating is not something that comes easy or natural to either of us! But hey we tried! And Jess and Jeremy got to go off and skate for awhile, so it wasn't a total loss. We had some cocktails after skating and it was a very nice evening!
     Today the husband and I are going to toodle about and do some home improvement shopping. Then tonight we are heading to a delicious dinner at the Oyster Bar in St. Louis, one of our favorite spots, followed by a night out with friends. Looks like my good spirits won't be going away anytime soon.

Finally Friday

     TGIF! Finally, made it to Friday!! I am ready for the fun weekend Jeremy and I have planned. Tonight, we are going out to dinner with my brother Ben and his GF Jessica at an Italian & Spanish restaurant on the Hill in  St. Louis. Our dinner date is out (belated) Christmas gifts to one another. After dinner, we are supposed to go ice skating. Now there is where the fun part really kicks in! This should be quite entertaining as I am NOT very good at the whole ice skating thing and my brother had never been! Jessica and Jeremy are both good at it, must be a Hawkins trait that we aren't so talented in the ice skating area. But, regardless it will be fun and good to hang out with them! Then tomorrow night we are hanging out with some more friends we haven't seen in quite awhile.
     I am really looking forward to relaxing. To catching up and seeing everyone this weekend! For the first time in a long time I am focused on spending time with the people I need and want to catch up with. Not just when am I going to get a workout in or will I have time or where we are eating and what will I eat. To not fret over these things feels amazeballs!! Yes, amazeballs!!
    So here is to a Happy Friday to all and I will report tomorrow the experiences of tonight, both with the new restaurant and the ice skating experience! Cheers to the weekend everyone!!

Progress!!

     I have always wanted washboard abs, well at least a toned abdominal area. It has always been the one area on my body that I just could never tone like I wanted. Well, tonight I got told my abs are looking good by my trainer! ME! I have the start of some tone in my midsection! I am pretty much on Cloud Nine over it. Jeremy didn't quite get my excitement on the issue, but any woman would I am sure. I could tell before tonight I was making progress in my training with Susie, but tonight her telling me that really helped solidify that I am on the right track.
     Tonight we also looked over my food diary.She told me that in her opinion,I am doing really well with my eating. Again, this made me so happy! I am not restricting and then eating everything in sight. I am eating healthy, normal. I am having treats and balancing it with good food. I don't want to toot my own horn, but toot toot. I have come so far from where I was. I am losing the fear I had with food. I am realizing and learning that feeding my body properly is the key. I am finally getting it, and yes, Mom, you were right.
     Another quick snippet from my training session tonight, it was eventful I guess looking back! There was another woman there tonight training with the other trainer. She had a lovely British accent that I loved listening to. Anyway, I heard her talking to her trainer when I walked away asking why I was there training because I was thin. I knew what my response to her would be if I wanted to bother. I would tell her I was there to gain muscle, to increase my strength, to get healthier, if I said anything at all, which I wasn't planning on. But leave it to my trainer, Susie, she stepped right up and told her that thin doesn't always mean healthy. And that is so right, definitely with me. I mean I wasn't horribly unhealthy, but I wasn't  near as healthy as I could be. Which is why I started this journey. Which is why in part I was there training tonight.  Finally, I am making good progress towards a healthy, balanced life, finally.
     So, needless to say I am feeling pretty stoked about my progress and am pretty excited to keep going and see what else is in the cards! I am finally realizing it really is about progress not perfection.
     One more thing I wanted to share from tonight is pictures from dinner. Jeremy and I generally make separate meals, as our tastes vary quite differently. I have mentioned before that God love him, but Jeremy isn't quite interested in health the way I am, the following picture from dinner will prove my point:




My dinner- quinoa, steamed veggies and salmon! Delicious!



Jeremy's dinner- a GIANT cheeseburger, french fries cooked in his beloved Fry Daddy and Golden Light Beer- The All-American dinner, a favorite of Mr. Dunham!

 They always say opposites attract......

Dreary Hump Day

     As pretty and sunny as yesterday was, today is the polar opposite! Boo! Makes a girl sleepy and a little unmotivated.  I am thankful that I had a great workout with my trainer, Susie, last night! I realized when leaving after my workout last night how strong I feel after working out with her. Not only physically strong (and a little sore) but also mentally strong. I feel I can do anything and I am strong enough to keep going. I fell I truly will get better. It is all very motivating and I love it! So thankfully a bit of my good mood rolled into today!
     While sitting her relaxing this evening, Jeremy asked me why I blog everyday. I couldn't really explain why I do, but, blogging even just a few thoughts everyday is rather therapeutic for me. Helps me stay positive and not go back to the negative place I once was. Looking back on days when I have slipped and days I have done well keeps me going, looking forward, and keeps me motivated. Hard to explain in full I guess, but what is most important is that its helping me and I could be helping others along the way!
     So, probably off to bed soon. The pups and the husband are already curled up on the couch dozing off and I am not far behind. Good night moon!   

Sunshine on a Tuesday!

     Finally the sun came out today! But that being said, today sure felt like a Monday rather than a Tuesday, at least to me anyway! Phew! Glad it is winding down and I have a workout with Susie planned in a bit that I know will perk me up. I brought the cookies I made last night to work today and they got good reviews. So, it really was a success! Hooray! Mom still has to give her opinion but I am assuming it will be the same!
     My goal is to do one more new recipe this week (that could be tomorrow night ) but if not, I am pretty proud of myself that I got through two already. It's funny how not until you really start changing and trying new things do you realize how stuck you were. Just looking back over the past few weeks, since I have really been focusing on getting better, I realize what a negative place I was in. It really is an awakening to go through this, the ups and downs, because I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know the light is there because already I feel and see improvements in myself.
      So, I guess really my post today is just that if any of you are considering changing something in your life and are scared (like I was) it is so worth it. Really, it is. Yes, you will fail sometimes. Yes, it will be hard and scary. However, when you get even just a few weeks into it and start feeling better about things you realize that it really is worth it. That is where I am right now. I know I will have more downs and ups, but I know they will all get me to goal and all be worth it! So here are to ups and downs and finally some sunshine on a Tuesday!

Here is a picture of my pups enjoying the sunshine today:

My First Casserole!

     Tonight, I dove head first into my personal cooking challenge of 2012 and tried TWO new recipes! First, for dinner, I made a vegetarian biscuit casserole. I was craving something sweet, so for dessert I whipped up chia seed peanut butter cookies. Both, I have to say, turned out well!
     I found the casserole recipe on the website of the author of "Operation Beautiful", Caitlin Boyle. The website is healthytippingpoint.com , check it out! Anyway, back to the food, here are the pictures of the concoction process:

Mixing it all up!

Ready for the oven, vegetables topped with biscuit mix

Hot out of the oven and ready to eat!

     The casserole was pretty tasty, but could have used a bit more flavor. I will spice it up a little more next time, maybe with some flavored hummus. Jeremy even tried it (which surprised me) AND HE LIKED IT! Well, he liked it OK, he said he would really like it if I added chicken . Which I said, I could do. Well, then, in true Jeremy fashion, he went FARTHER with his idea of what would make this SOO delicious. His idea is to that add HOMEMADE biscuit mix on top, top it with his dad's homemade sausage gravy and maybe some hash browns and then it would be a delicious breakfast dish. When I pointed out that by adding those things it would negate the HEALTH factor of it, he responded with a "So..it would be delicious". Welcome to my life of trying to incorporate healthy eating into the Dunham household!
          After cleaning up from dinner I embarked on the cookie baking! I found the recipe on Pintrest, one of my obsessions of the moment.  I prepped them while I waited for the casserole to cook.  It was a pretty easy prep and the dough...delicious! Here are the pictures of the cookie baking

MMM...the peanut buttery batter



Ready for the oven



Cooling and making the house smell AMAZEBALLS!!



      After letting them cool and cleaning up the baking mess, I tried two of these bad boys with some almond milk and it was a perfect end to all my hard work! I really liked them!! Soft, chewy, peanut buttery, with a little chocolate,mmm! The recipe made a bunch so I am taking some for my co-workers to try, saved a few for Jeremy, let the pups share one and saved some for Mom to try! I think everyone will enjoy, I know I did!
      So, I would call the first night of my personal cooking challenge of 2012 was a success!( I posted the recipes below in case anyone is interested) Funny how when I let some of my  distorted thoughts and fears of food go, I end up discovering some delicious healthy food! I am not even scared to screw the recipes up like I was before! That is saying something for a perfectionist like myself. So, onward with both the Cooking Challenge of 2012 and this week!

Biscuit Casserole: 1 cup frozen green peas; 1 cup frozen corn kernels; 1 can cannellini beans; 1/2 cup hummus; salt/pepper to taste; whole wheat biscuit mix (1 cup) and associated ingredients (on package)
Preheat oven to 400. In small bowl rinse and drain beans. Mix in peas and corn. Add hummus and mix well. Try to coat beans and veggies equally, mix is thick. Pour into greased loaf pan and pat down. Mix together the biscuit mix in another bowl. Separate mix into 8 small circles and flatten slightly between your palms. Place on top of veggie mix. Cover casserole with aluminum foil and bake for 30 minutes (I baked mine for longer and lowered temperature, and took foil off too for biscuits to brown). 

Chia Seed Peanut Butter Cookies: 1 1/2 cup rolled oats, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1/2 cup flour, 1 1/2 tbsp. chia seeds, 1/4 cup bitter at room temp, 1/2 cup brown sugar, 3/4 cup peanut butter, 2 eggs, 1 tsp. vanilla, 1/2 cup chocolate chips. Preheat oven to 350. Spray cookie sheet with non-stick cooking spray. In a medium bowl, whisk together oats, baking powder, flour and chia seeds. Set aside. In another bowl, beat butter and brown sugar until creamy, add peanut butter, eggs and vanilla. Slowly stir in oat mixture and combine. Stir in chocolate chips. Place heaping tablespoons of dough onto cookie sheet. Press/form into balls with hands. Bake 12-15 minutes. Cool. My recipe made about 21 medium sized cookies. Original recipe says is make 12, I assume rather large, cookies.

Sunday Funday

     Today was Sunday Funday for the Dunham household. The kind that so far hasn't involved any alcoholic beverages for me! But it was a productive and fun day for us. We took the pups on a tour of the area! We hit up Petco, Lowe's, my mom and dad's house and Wal-Mart. We got the pups some treats at Petco, figured out at Mom and Dad's where we are staying in Gulf Shores in September (can't wait!), and got groceries at Wal-Mart. All pretty productive for a gloomy Sunday.
     My original plans for last night fell through, which was a bummer. So instead,  Jeremy and I went with my brother, Ben, to have some dinner and drinks in St. Louis. Even though it was below the temperature Jeremy likes to venture out in, we did and had a good time. Now, even though I love to go out and have cocktails, dinner and visit with friends and family it also used to ignite some stress and disordered thoughts. I used to focus on all the calories I would be drinking and limit my food during the day. If dinner was in the plan for the  evening I would often eat something small or "safe", never trying something new or "too filling".  Now, as you can imagine, this would often lead to me either getting QUITE intoxicated RATHER fast or at the end of the evening, when we arrived home,  entering TOTAL munchie mode because I was STARVING!! Then after doing one of these things, the disordered thoughts would begin. Well, obviously, it took a long time for me to realize this really wasn't working AT ALL. I realized my eating patterns on those days (usually weekends) were setting me up to fail and it had to change. So, now when I know we are going out, I need to realize it is not different than any other day. That I need to still feed my body and honor my hunger. If I feed myself properly during the day, my night won't be ending early nor will I feel the need to eat everything in the pantry after drinking! Also, the disordered thoughts may even simmer down.
     So, yesterday, I followed my new "normal, healthy" eating regimen. I had a good breakfast (my ritual) and then a good afternoon snack and tasty dinner. I enjoyed myself  and the company and had a few drinks. All without getting either silly to quick or ravenous! Now, did I feel a bit tipsy, perhaps. Did I have a snack when I came home? Yup. But the snack was one I wanted and was the perfect mix of sweet and salty (chocolate covered peanut butter pretzel nuggets...mmm) and I enjoyed! So, I again proved to myself that being better to myself leads me to feeling better all around. Today, I have felt good and there aren't any of those disordered thoughts that used to plague me on Sundays! Steps again in the right direction.
     Now, it is Sunday evening and Jeremy and I are getting ready to cook dinner and watch the football game. He is cooking himself a meal of homemade fried cheeseballs and fried chicken fingers, and is very excited! I will be cooking something different (and healthier) but I think I may just have to taste test those goodies! Happy Sunday all.

New Recipe Attempt #1- Oatmeal Cookies

  On Friday night, I attempted my first new recipe of  my personal cooking challenge of 2012. I started off with something on the easy side and really it was baking rather than cooking a meal, but hey it was a NEW recipe. I made a recipe for Oatmeal-Raisin Breakfast cookies I found on Pintrest. I altered the recipe a bit, as it said I could, because I didn't have raisins. So where the recipe called for raisins I added a few tablespoons of chocolate chips. I figured replacing raisins with chocolate wasn't going to be BAD! So here are the pictures of the process and the recipe at the very end: 

The batter was tasty which was a good sign that the cookies would be as well

Right out of the oven

Cooling and smelled SOOO good

Final product!

        The recipe didn't make very many cookies, but they were delicious! I enjoyed  2 1/2 (the other 1/2 was shared with my dogs who were begging in their cute ways)  of these cookies with some almond milk. I am took the rest for my mom to test and she agreed they were delicious and wanted the recipe which I have pyt below! So, recipe numero uno was a success! Hooray! As I was making this recipe I planned out the other recipes to try in the coming week, so hopefully they are all as successful and tasty. We will find out!

Oatmeal-Raisin Breakfast Cookies
1/2 cup rolled oats
scant 1/2 cup applesauce or mashed over-ripe banana- I used the applesauce
1/4 cup nut butter- I used natural peanut butter
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp. pure vanilla extract
3 tbsp. raisins (or other dried fruit, or chocolate chips)
pinch of salt
1 packet of stevia or 1 tbsp sugar- I used the sugar. If you want really sweet cookies you can use 1/4 cup sugar.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix the applesauce (or mashed banana) with the nut butter, then add all other ingredients and mix until well combined. Shape into cookies (kind of sticky) and bake for around 14 minutes. Cool on wire rack. You also can pulverize the raisins(chocolate chips, dried fruit) and the oats before combining them in the applesauce (or banana) and nut butter mix. My recipe made about 9 small-medium size (odd shaped) cookies! Enjoy!!

Every Other Saturday Morning Ritual

     Here I am on a CHILLY and slippery Saturday morning having my every other Saturday morning ritual. My husband works every other weekend. So, on these Saturdays I have to myself, I get up for a run, maybe get some errands done and sit down for a breakfast of oatmeal and coffee while messing around on the computer. I really have learned to like my little ritual and now blogging has become a welcome part of it! This morning I ventured out on the semi-icy roads and headed to the gym. I did a 5 mile pain free run and when I totaled my miles for the week today, it turns out I ran about 25 miles this week! This thrilled me. I haven't ran that many miles in a  single week since before I injured myself over the summer. I was ecstatic and had to think it has to be the changes I am making that are helping me run better and farther! I truly believe  my healthier eating habits and new trainer are making an impact. And to think, for so long I was so scared to branch out and try these things because I didn't believe they really would help or work, clearly I was COMPLETELY wrong.
     I was thinking to myself last night how long I was scared to really change anything, most of all my eating habits. Even though I had trainers and friends tell me and I would read articles and books about  how much better it would make me feel, how much better I would run and how I WOULD NOT gain weight I was scared.  But when I had my epiphany a while back I realized I had to try something else. Put my trust in something else and maybe I would start to feel better. And so far, lo and behold, it is WORKING! Words can't explain how happy I am about this and how glad I am I have started this journey. Realizations like this make the tough days worth it and make me realize that health and balance is fabulous!
     So, off now to start my Saturday! I am having some late afternoon cocktails with my brother who I haven't seen since Christmas thanks to a busy work schedule for him. Then later, to dinner with some fun ladies at a  yummy restaurant in St. Louis that serves ice cream martinis that are AMAZEBALLS! And I plan to enjoy every sip!! Happy Saturday!

Fabulous Friday and a New Challenge!

     FRIDAY again! Hooray! Short but busy week here at the office and I am glad the weekend is here. I had a great workout last night (again) with my trainer Susie.Turns out I am getting stronger bit by bit! I was pretty happy with myself and improvements! YAY! Went home last night to veg on the couch and read some more of my "Operation Beautiful" book. The quote that rang true to me last night was that in our journey to self- acceptance and self-love the healthy tipping point is an aha moment when an individual finally realizes there is no quick fix solution to health.We begin to pursue our healthy ideal. It's a journey with no final destination. It is about healthy living for life. (p.100). I just read this quote over and over and realized that THAT IS IT. I am there. I realize this won't all be quick and easy, but that also it is not about instant gratification, I am setting myself up for a happy, healthy life. Very inspirational. It also sparked another idea in me, another experiment of sorts.....      Most people who know me know I am not the cook of the household. That is Jeremy's job and he loves it. I do bake and I am really pretty good at that (my brownies are quite tasty!). But, I have never been very interested in cooking so to speak. Yes, I have collected a number of cookbooks in an attempt to try it out. I read recipes in magazines and online, and my parents even gave me a cookbook similar to "Cooking for Dummies", but I just never DID it.  One thing that  held me back from attempting to try these recipes were thoughts I had about calories, portions, forbidden foods, and so forth. I was scared of food, which also made me scared of cooking. Also, being the perfectionist I am I was scared of screwing a recipe up, but mostly I was just scared to try the new foods.
     Well, because of my choice to change and because I have been reading some great blogs about health, cooking, and healthy eating I have decided that my days of just baking and leaving the real cooking to someone else are over. Yup folks, I am going to branch out and cook, Jen is going to improve her culinary skills! My plan is to try some of the recipes I have found on blogs and organized into a cookbook of my own (did I mention I am a rather organized girl). My goal is to try ONE new recipe a week. Now, most of these recipes are healthy, sometimes vegetarian meals, which doesn't bother me one bit. But, the husband may not like some (or most) of them, so family and friends be warned you may be forced to taste test as well.
     So, here is another challenge to myself that I am excited about. Excited to try the new tasty meals and to learn a new skill. Who knows, maybe I will even really ENJOY and LIKE cooking! I have a feeling I may. But even if I don't, I will learn something and that's what is important. I will share my adventures in cooking on here, the successes and failures, just as I am with my journey to overcome disordered eating. So, here is to new challenges on this Fabulous Friday! Cheers to the weekend everyone!

A Success and a Step in the Right Direction

     Well, pizza night was a success last night in the Dunham household for both me (with consumption) and Jeremy (with cooking). He was so proud. He wanted to be sure I posted the pictures of the pizzas on here today. I am sure you will be able to note which is mine (veggie) and which is his (LOADED meat). Here they are:

    Look delicious right? They WERE! And I enjoyed every bite! I practiced my intuitive eating skills and ate until I was satisfied, full and comfortable. No uncomfortable fullness afterwards for me, the same may not be able to be said about my husband (he LOVES his pizza). But I was very proud of myself. This was definitely a big step in the right direction, I would like to think I made my nutritionist proud. Also, I had NONE of the negative thoughts, either last night or this morning, that I often had in the past with dinners like this. Again, another step to be proud of!
     After indulging in this delicious pizza, we sat down to watch American Idol. I became semi-disinterested fast. Well, except for watching the video my mother in law sent of her doing the dance one of the contestants did! So, I picked up my "Operation Beautiful" book and read a bit more. The idea last night that stuck out with me was the statement that "our body image reflects much more than our appearance, it reflects how we feel about our lives in general" (p.68). When I read this it stuck with me. I have struggled with this disordered eating and bad body image for about 5-6 years now. Well, with the exception of the last 6 months I had a job that I wasn't completely satisfied with, especially towards the end. I had always wondered if my unhappiness with my job played a roll, and it is pretty darn clear it did. I left that job in July, thank GOODNESS! And today, yes, I am still struggling with this to some degree, but I am turning it around for real this time. Not the half-hearted attempts I made in the past when I had my previous job. I can already tell a difference in myself (and my mom says she sees a change too). My motivation is MUCH higher than in the past to really get well. To learn to LOVE myself, ACCEPT myself, BE STRONG, BE CONFIDENT, to LIVE my life and quit fussing over these insignificant matters. So, needless to say this struck a chord with me and stoked the fire for change a little bit more! Turns out, although change is scary, the changes I am making in both the past year (job) and at the moment are the best for me. Funny, I was so scared of it.

All for Pizza

    Tonight is pizza night in my household. My husband really likes to cook and one of his favorite things to make is pizza. He has an itch to perfect pizza making  but I think it is pretty darn perfected! I could tell you stories about his stressing out about crust being done, if mine tasted good, if one pizza (because we have to cook two thanks to different pizza tastes) was cooking faster, the stories go on! While pizza night is a sort of enjoyment for him and ignites his passion for cooking all things meaty and cheesy, it can be a source of stress for me.
     I do love pizza. I do love Jeremy's homemade pizza. But, at the same time in a weird way because of my disordered eating, it has stressed me out. Pizza was definitely a food that was "forbidden", at least take out or restaurant varieties were for the most part. Homemade pizza was a little better because I could control the cooking process  (cheese, toppings, etc.). But, whenever I would know we were having pizza I would restrict all day so I could "have" it. Crazy, I know, all for PIZZA! Then when the time would come to eat this delicious meal (that often takes at least like two hours to construct for the 2 pizzas and bread sticks) I would be ravenous and stuff myself. I would make myself damn near miserable and in would flood the awful thoughts about my body, my eating, everything that haunts me in that respect. I would swear off pizza (again), exercise a little harder the next day, try not to freak out about what I had eaten, the thoughts like Jeremy's fussing over making it, went on and on. Again, all over pizza. But those days are behind me, and I plan to prove that to myself tonight.
     Today, I have known it was pizza night for most of the day and I have not restricted. In fact, I even ate an afternoon snack (never would have been done before!). This may seem like nothing unusual to those of you without eating issues, but to me its huge. I plan to enjoy making the pizza with Jeremy and maybe even have a glass of wine while I do! Which again is a big step, because before I probably wouldn't let myself HAVE any wine. I would have restricted the wine because of extra calories or I would have filled up on wine on an empty stomach leading to lower inhibitions with the pizza. Either way dumb. But tonight, is a new night and I have a new approach to looking at the situation as dinner, not some sort of food violation like I believed before.
     So tonight, I will be the sous chef , I will construct my own pizza, I may enjoy a glass of wine as the deliciousness cooks, and I will enjoy every bite of my pizza. I will (try my best to) invoke my intuitive eating skills. I will eat the amount that satisfies me , and if I eat a little more than I "should" so be it, its just pizza, not a sin. Tonight I will enjoy pizza night and the season premiere of American Idol!

More Inspiration to Keep Trekkin'!

     I ordered a copy of the book "Operation  Beautiful" by Caitlin Boyle a couple of weeks ago, but until last night I had not opened it to read at all. But, last night I started reading and it was so difficult to put down! This book is one ALL women should read. This book, like the one on Intuitive Eating I have mentioned, that truly spoke to me!
     The premise of the book, is about the author's mission to spread self-love among all women by placing random post-it notes in public areas where women can see and be inspired. The book is a compilation of post-its from around the world that different women have written to inspire others and also their stories of body acceptance. The stories, the notes are SO inspirational.
      As I read the first three chapters, many things in this book made so much sense! Thoughts came rushing into my head as to how to keep going,why I should  and have to keep going and why not get too down on myself. Here is what came flooding into my mind:
      - In order to succeed I must let go of my Type A tendencies as they relate to my body (well life too, but we will focus on my body first!)
      - This journey is about progress not perfection- I have been told this by my nutritionist and while I listened the first time, reading it again reinforced the idea. Again, as a Type A perfection is what I seek
      - That I need to focus on long term weight goals, not weight itself. That I need to nourish my body with healthy food, balanced portions. I need to workout to be strong not skinny. I HAVE to stop calorie counting (and obsessing) and start living for the NOW. (These thoughts came from pg. 63)
      - That this is MY body, and the only one I am ever going to have (well, unless I get reincarnated as a Princess of a fabulous country!). Why do I keep torturing it the way I do. Treating it like I do? It is time to take care of it, time to cherish it.
  
     So, these are the reflections I have made only through the first 3 chapters! I can't wait to read more tonight and get even more inspired and motivated. It made me begin to realize how much this journey is worth it, how much I am worth it. I even intend to start my own Operation Beautiful Mission by the end of the book! I encourage all of the women in my life to look into buying this book, it will OPEN your eyes. And if you aren't into books, then at least visit the website: www.operationbeautiful.com I promise you, you will not regret it!
    

    

Bonus Day Off

     Thanks to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (and my boss) I have today off! Slept in a little bit, went for a longer run and got some grocery shopping done this morning. This afternoon, I am going with Mom and Dad over to West County mall, to do some shopping and lunch and hit up Trader Joe's. So, a pretty productive day off for me! I think every Monday should be a holiday! (A girl can dream!!)
     As I was sitting here eating my breakfast, cruising through Pintrest, catching up on Facebook and reading some of the blogs I subscribe to, I feel as motivated as ever to stay on my path and get better. I know I had a rough weekend, but that is behind me. I just have to focus on my goals, have some patience and relax about it all . I mean for heaven's sake, I have my own motivation tattooed right on my left wrist!!
     In December, Jeremy and I headed down to the Florida Keys with my in-laws. It's a vacation we do almost yearly, or at least every 2 years. We started the vacation off in Key West, one of our all time favorite places. Last year (2010), on our trip down, the first night we were there, Jeremy and I got a few cocktails in us and got matching ring tattoos, which I love, but I knew this year I wanted another. I knew I wanted to get something inspirational and I knew exactly what I wanted. So, in true Dunham fashion, after arriving in Key West, having lunch, some cocktails and hanging out on Duval, it was time to hit up our tattoo parlor. We went back to the same place we had been the year before, and even waited for the same tattoo artist. I was a wee bit nervous, but I knew I really wanted this tattoo. So, I explained to him I wanted the word "Breathe" on my wrist, in a pretty color nonetheless. He gave me a strange look and asked why the word breathe. Jeremy and I both explained  it was definitely a word I needed to remember! So, he drew up the tattoo and we decided on a pretty blue color and we were in business. Now, the tattoo, hurt like hell!! But I didn't cry, mostly because Jeremy was telling me to suck it up and I always do that when I hear that statement (my dad said it a lot when I fell when I was little). After it was all said and done (about 10 LONG minutes) I looked down at my wrist and loved it. After I was done and admiring my new tattoo, I got to watch Jeremy get his tattoo and pass along the "suck it up" sentiment! He he!
       I considered getting this tattoo on my wrist,  a first step in this journey.  There have been times already that even though the word is right there for me to see, I have forgotten. I have disregarded it. But for some reason, when I woke up this morning and looked down I realized what it meant to me. That it was to help me along not only this path, but life in general. Because, anyone who knows me knows I sometimes need to just take a deep breath and "BREATHE". So, I will continue to use this as my motivation to stay strong when times get tough, it was the purpose in getting it after all. So, happy Monday to all, whether you are working or playing today, enjoy the day and breathe deep.

Ups and Downs

     Back home from a fun weekend in Bloomington! A few of the highlights (ups):  we hung out with friends, had cocktails, played Mad Gab and relaxed in the hot tub on Friday evening. On Saturday we all had lunch together at the Pub II (mmm...cheeseballs!), then we went shopping with my niece and mother in law for my niece's prom dress ( I can't believe she's going to her Junior Prom in April!). Saturday night we hung out at home and watched football (poor Tebow!) and played another game together ( I won Scrabble!). It was fun, as always, to see them and hang out, makes me wish we all lived closer. But even with all these ups this weekend, unfortunately, I had some downs.
     I went into this weekend armed with my new mantras and strong willed to really conquer some of my anxiety about food and such. I did rather well on Friday night, I really was proud of myself. I even emailed my nutritionist about how proud of myself I felt. I woke up Saturday morning and didn't feel disgusted with myself for eating too much (which has happened often in past) or didn't have the urge to get up and run or exercise to basically make myself feel less guilty. I actually relaxed a bit and laid in bed with my husband and Lucy and laughed and talked. It was so nice, Jeremy and I had a lot of great time together this weekend (up)! I even decided to just take the weekend off and not to any exercise, and not only was I proud of myself, Jeremy was proud too. Well, as great as Saturday morning was, things went downhill after that in a sense and some old demons crept in.
     As I mentioned, we went out to lunch on Saturday to a place called The Pub II and had some great appetizers that can only be enjoyed there. Cheeseballs!! I really tried to just enjoy it and not think my normal distorted thoughts about eating the "bar food". I did ok, struggled a bit. But later Saturday evening, I fell back into old patterns. I reverted right to where I didn't want to go and by the end of the evening I was miserable and uncomfortable. My husband who is right along with me in all of this, let me vent to him. Which is the sweetest thing, but nothing was going to help. So I went to bed, and then today (all day) the old thoughts have been around and I have felt so down on myself.
     I just get so frustrated because I want this so bad. I want to be comfortable with myself and my body for the first time in a long time. I want to be comfortable around food and have a normal relationship with food. I want to be better not just for me, but for Jeremy and our future family (which was discussed this weekend and was nice to talk about). So, in thinking about it all on the way home, after sending off an email for some guidance to my nutritionist, I realized a few things (again).
     I realized that I can't be too awful hard on myself for a slip up, they will happen. That I have only been really trying at intuitive eating for less than a month now. That real change is going to take TIME and patience (I have to keep repeating this if you haven't noticed). That the ideas of intuitive eating are clicking bit by bit and I need to focus on that. That anyone can change if they put their mind to it (my nutritionist emailed me that) and the change will be amazing. So, I will try to just look at this weekend as a little bit of a bump in the road. I will learn from it. I hate feeling the way I have felt during the downs this weekend and I really realized it is not worth it at all. So, maybe this slip up was necessary and part of getting to my goal. to make me more focused and strong willed about succeeding. That is how I am going to try to look at it at least.
     So, all in all a  successful (and too short) visit to Bloomington. Even with the downs I learned something about myself and this journey. I guess it is true, we live and we learn. I am doing a lot of learning, that is for sure.

Fabulous Friday!

     TGIF! Thank goodness the weekend is here! After the hectic week here at work I am ready for some cocktails and fun. Woke up with some (good!) sore muscles today from my training session last night but was able to squeeze in a (non-painful!) run this morning.
     In just a bit me, the husband and Lucy are off to Bloomington for the weekend. Like I said yesterday I am looking forwards to it! I am also not as anxious about the food aspect as I used to be. Being armed with my new mantras and views of food, I know I can handle it. I can enjoy myself, without STUFFING myself, and starting the awful berating thoughts. I can have exactly WHAT I want and be satisfied! I just have to "check in" with myself.
       I am already one step of the game, getting ready to have some lunch now before I leave the office. In the past, this would never have happened. And earlier today, when I needed a little snack I HAD it!!! I didn't completely ignore my hunger like I have before.I also packed a snack for the road in case I get hungry, to avoid my past mistakes of showing up starving!!  These two steps are helping to keep me in the frame of mind that I will and can do this!  I will  prove to myself (and that negative voice in my head) that everything will be just fine, that a balanced relationship with food and my body will happen. It just takes time, practice and patience.  
     So (in the words of Rihanna) cheers to the freakin' weekend!!

Wanting to fly south....but heading north for the weekend!

     The first winter storm of the season has hit the area, and I am NOT a fan at all. This kind of weather makes me want to fly south like the birds real bad!! But despite the less than stellar weather, today was a pretty good day. I did a 5 mile run this morning without any knee pain (which thrills me!), had another yummy green smoothie, and then this afternoon had another great workout with Susie my trainer. We talked about some  goals I want to meet (one being to increase my muscle tone!) and she makes my goals seem so doable while still being realistic with food and life! This approach is exactly what I need right now. Also, after meeting with my nutritionist last night I also feel I am back on a positive path with the intuitive eating process, I just have to be patient which she reinforced quite a few times. So, it's been an up and down kind of week but ending on an up note and I have a fun weekend ahead to look forward to!
    This weekend my husband, my dog Lucy and I are heading up to see my in-laws for the weekend. (Our other pup,Emilio, will be having a staycation with my folks!) I love going up to visit them. We always have so much fun and it's just nice to get away once in awhile, even if it is only 2 hours. But, as fun as these weekends are , they have often been a source of stress for me with my disordered eating. Anyone who knows my father in law KNOWS that man loves to eat and loves to make sure all those he entertains have MORE than enough to eat. Well, I am all for this believe me because he makes and buys some of the best goodies around (Avanti's ranch dressing and bread..OMG!). But, because of my (disordered) relationship with food, in the past I would pretty much eat little to NOTHING all day because I knew we would be having lots of yummy food and I wanted to have room for it all and knew I would probably eat a little more than usual. Well, as one can imagine this would backfire, I would be STARVING when I got there and snack, snack, snack all evening making myself feel miserable. Then the next day the thoughts would start, that I was disgusting, out of control, I wasn't going to do that again...and the cycle continued. If I could I would run around the neighborhood for a bit to destress but if I couldn't do that I fussed. Not always out loud but to myself, a lot. Now, looking back on the experiences I have had with this (and through reading my book) I realize that I need to eat more balanced throughout the day to AVOID being ravenous when I arrive. I also know (and have been told)  I need to take a deep breath and relax around the food, and eat what I really want and pay attention to how my body feels, my satisfaction level and my fullness. I need to remember on of the intuitive eating motto's of "If you don't love it don't eat it and if you love it, savor it."
     So because  I am all into branching out and changing I have a few goals for the weekend. To listen to my body and eat what I want (and love!) and enjoy it. To have cocktails (Mama Dunham margaritas are absolutely AMAZING!) and enjoy the company and conversation. To not wig out because I can't run in the morning after a night of a (little) overindulgence, and do yoga instead, or nothing at all and know I will be fine! This weekend I will eat, drink and be merry (for real!) with my fun, fabulous family!

A Monster Green Smoothie Kind of Day

     Phew! Glad today is winding down!! Crazy day here at the office, but still in good spirits. I had a great workout with my trainer Susie last night. She always perks me up and makes me feel stronger. And today, I feel the muscles that were not strong enough and am a little sore. But I love it and can't wait for another round tomorrow. Tonight is also my session with my nutritionist ( I heart Skype!) which I think will do wonders since I have been a little down and confused this week. Funny, listening to the professionals really does help!! Who would have thought.
     Today I branched out a bit in my food choices.  I found a recipe for a "Monster Green Smoothie" on Pintrest (I heart Pintrest) and it looked interesting.  The recipe claimed it tasted great and provided a lot of good nutrients.Some for energy, which in hindsight, today I needed with my semi-high maintenance boss! Well, I wrote down the recipe, got all my ingredients out: (spinach leaves, frozen strawberries, yogurt, peanut butter, ice, Chia seeds, almond milk) then measured, blended and hoped for the best! I was a little leery using spinach in a morning smoothie, I couldn't believe it really tasted GOOD. But when I was done blending, and taste tested it was DELICIOUS!!! Thick, creamy and tasty (and really green!). I took this concoction in for my husband to try, who looked at me like I had four eyes when I requested he taste. He is definitely more of a cheeseburger and beer man to say the least! But I was just tickled it tasted good, and couldn't wait to try it in the morning. Today, it was filling and tasty like I expected!! I was also proud of myself for branching out and trying this. In the past I wouldn't have DARED try it because I didn't know the EXACT calorie count or I would have figured out that calorie count and decided not to try it  because it had over what I thought was the appropriate amount of calories for breakfast. Which that acceptable point to me at one time was about 150 calories, tops. So by doing this I took a step in the right direction and also found a new, delicious smoothie that  I will have again tomorrow!
     So, the day is wrapping up and another way I may branch out this evening before my Skype session is to have a nice glass of wine while making dinner. Now, anyone that KNOWS me KNOWS I like my cocktails. But in the past, even up to recently, I wouldn't allow myself a simple glass of wine or cocktail at home after work most weeknights because again...I didnt' think I should allow myself the calories during the week (weird I know, because weekends weren't  and aren't this way!). Now, happy hours with friends and co-workers was always an exception in this mixed up thought process. But to have a glass to relax at home was often very hard for me to do. I would pour a Glass, taste and throw it out ( I know Mom! Sorry!), thinking it tasted "funny" when really I was thinking about the "empty" calories in the glass. I ignored the fact I REALLY wanted it. Once I came to realize how distorted in thinking this was, I realized I CAN have a glass of wine (or 2!)  after work if I want (if only I could have it AT work some days). It goes along with the intuitive eating principles that nothing is off limits, an everything in moderation sort of idea. So, tonight, I may just branch out for a second time today and have a glass of one of those bottles of wine in my refrigerator that sit unopened. Cheers everyone!

MMM...the Monster Green Smoothie...this is the picture from Pintrest! Mine was JUST about that color..and AMAZEBALLS!!

A Better Day

     Its is amazing how a little reflection (and re-reading of my inutitive eating book), a good night's sleep and a touching email from my mother-in-law can perk my spirits right on up. After having the rough day I had yesterday, I went home and chilled out. I sat on the couch and skimmed through the book Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. When I started working with my nutritionist, she recommended I read this book, as it was the approach she took with her clients. Let me tell you, it is an amazing book and really spoke to me. There were so many examples in the book of my exact behaviors around and with food. I would highly recommend it to anyone struggling with food in ANY way. (I got mine on Amazon for under $15!) After skimming through most of the book I realized I needed to get my head back in the game (we had football on, hence the sports analogy) and that I needed to focus on some of the principles of the book a little more. It definitely perked me up some and got my mind set that I will be successful and do this but it will take time!

     Another thing that inspired and perked me  up last night is the picture at the end of this blog. It is a picture of my very good friend Courtney and I at her wedding almost six years ago (can you BELIEVE that Court!). Anyway, when I looked at this picture last night I realized that at that point in time, I was disordered eating free! I was happy, confident, exercised, ate what I wanted, wasn't scared of food, didn't judge my body so harshly, basically,  VERY different than I am today. While looking at it I realized, that GIRL is still in me, that I can get back to being that girl. When I look into my eyes in the picture (although I had had QUITE a few cocktails) I see confidence with myself, something I have lost quite a bit of. So, as I reflected on those thoughts, as well as my day, I realized a few things. For one, the reason I guess I got in a bit of a snit yesterday was that every time I have embarked on a "diet" before, I saw results, quick. But I realized that these "diets" were unhealthy and mostly involved undereating (followed by eating TOO much). I also realized that what I am doing NOW is NOT a DIET. It is a lifestyle change. So, I realized that to meet my goal I have to have  patience (as I have mentioned before, not my BEST virtue, at all!). I have to stick with it to see the results I want. I also realized (from looking at the picture) it took me almost 6 years to get to this point, it will take a bit of time to get back to that girl, but she is in there! And although this journey is very hard, I am not discouraged or mad about it, I have faith God is teaching me something. As my mother-in-law said in her very heartfelt email to me earlier today : "Life is a really cool journey, we are always learning". It really is, and I plan to continue to learn! (Thanks Mama D.!)

Side Note

    And a quick side note today, I just had to say a big THANK YOU THANK YOU and send my love back to all of my family and friends who have read the blog or are following the blog and have sent the most supportive, encouraging and heartfelt emails and text messages. It is with your support and love that I know I will do this this time around and finally be successful. Thank you! I love each and every one of you, and your words and support mean more than you will ever know.

No I Won't Back Down

     This quote here is giving me a bit of inspirtation today to keep my head up. Today has been a hard day.  I went ahead and faced my demon, a/k/a the scale, and unfortunately it did not go well. As I stepped on the scale and looked at the number below I tried to repeat all the things I said yesteday, "It's only a number", "It won't define my worth", but when I looked down and saw that number all that escaped me. I looked and the weight I weighed today (which is for me and my trainer's eyes) is heavier than I have been in some time and I am very unhappy with it. Also, rather unhappy that another pair of pants did not fit properly this morning. Ugh.
     In the past this would have sent me into some sort of crash diet and starvation pattern of sorts, but this morning I vowed not do that. I knew I couldn't. I wouldn't. As I ran the frustration out over 4 miles on the treadmill this morning  I realized that this is not about being skinnny, it is about me being at my healthiest and happiest and at this point, today, I am not yet there. The weight I am at tody I am not. So I fussed, I whined,  complained to my Mom,  and emailed my nutritionist. Who, I now have a date with on Wednesday at 8pm (thank goodness). Both of them told me not to focus on the numbers and many other statements that helped somewhat. I also found the following example on Pintrest of why scales suck:



So, I tried to cheer up a bit, cause like it or not I was in a funk. My husband noticed as I walked out the door  this morning and was so sweet today, emailing me and telling me how much he loves me and how he thinks my body is just perfect. How he will help and support me all he can. And why this is one of the best compliments a girl can receive, I still feel rather dumpy about myself. I know he likes it, and my friends and family will tell me how nice I look (thank you), but I am NOT happy with myself right now. Not happy when I look at myself in the mirror before a shower, or in a swimsuit, or really in any pictures taken recently. So, while I realize I don't look near as "huge" as I imagine I do in my (albeit distorted) mind, I DO want to change a few things about myself so I can be happy with MYSELF and I can think and believe and know I look nice. I want to be able to fit in the clothes again that are a little snug. I do not intend to focus on the scale too much du to the inspiration from the photograph above and some wisdom from my nutritionist. I will not go back to the starvation, yo-yo diet and weight, or too thin version of myself. But I will keep my head up and keep trucking and become the best ME I can. I am being held accountable now by doing this blog. I will just need (and know I have) the support of my family and friends, the wisdom and advice of my trainer and nutritionist and the will do do it this time around. Which I will and can. Have to. Like the song I heard on the radio today at work No I WON'T back down! And tomorrow is a new day....and I am in charge of me.

Going Out of My Comfort Zone

     Everyone has comfort zone, or a routine of sorts. Things they are more than comfortable doing and things that make them go "eek!" or "nope, not gonna happen!". Well I have decided to try to push OUT of my comfort zone a bit to help further my progress on my path to health and balance.
     Anyone who know me knows I am routine kind of girl, that's just probably never going to change. Thanks to a Father and Mother (more the Father) who are pretty much the same way, I got stuck with that trait. My brother, somehow escaped it. Anywho, while I don't really intend to break any of my daily routines soon I do plan and have already stepped out of my comfort zone a bit.
     I do not like confrontation much, who really does? Unless you are from Jersey or on any of the Real Housewives series confrontation probably makes you a bit uncomfy. But today I was forced to confront (albeit through email) my former personal trainer and tell her I wasn't coming back to classes for awhile. I wrote a short and sweet email saying I am changing many things in my life, I do not mean to offend and that was pretty much the entirity of the message. I know its not MUCH of a "confrontation" but to me it is (baby steps again). Because before I probably would have made excuses as to why I wasn't coming to class until she just left me alone, but today I tried to take the bull by the horns (in cyber space) and stop with the excuses! I feel good about it and feel good about being honest, not just beating around the bush!
     Another situation that is outside my comfort zone, and I have already mentioned in a previous post, is that of weighing myself. This has the tendency to lead me into a tizzy of sorts. However, I have decided that this week, before I go back to my trainer, I am going to weigh myself. I am doing it so I can see what kind of progress I make with my trainer as well as a challenge to myself. I am challenging myself to see the number as just that A FREAKING NUMBER, not as some sort of numeric indicator of how good, bad, pretty, ugly, skinny or fat I am. I am going to try to go into it knowing I am doing GOOD things for my body now (finally!) and that regardless, I am strong and  am feeling the results of my sessions with my new trainer. That what is staring back at me the day I choose to weighh is solely a NUMBER! It is real silly that the act of getting on the scale has become THIS big of  deal to me, but it has, and its something I can change. And will.
     So, so far for the week, those are the first two things out of my comfort zone I am attempting! I will keep you posted! Now, its on to a day of house cleaning, errand running and a Sunday dinner with my parents. Happy Sunday All!

Saturday Sunshine

     It is January 7th, the sun is shining and it is supposed to be close to 60 today?? Do I really live in the Midwest? I am going to take it though, puts me in a fabulous frame of mind as did the following post...found on Pintrest:

     When I read this as I sat down for oatmeal and coffee in front of my computer it really resonated with me. I have let this disorderd eating issues, define and confine me for SO long! Now I am choosing to leave it behind me and move on!
     Before I even read this quote this morning,  I was driving home after my second awesome session with my new trainer and I thought to myself "Jen, you really are going to do this!". I haven't been this confident in myself in a long, long time. But I just have this feeling inside this time, that this is the time to finally do it. It also helps that I am working with a very understanding and nurturing nutritionist, as well as a very positive personal trainer. As well as the support of my spectaular family and friends.
     After my training session today, I was so excited for the next session (Tuesday!), again, I haven't felt like this  about anything exercise related, but running, in a long time! I basically just went to fitness classes on autopilot, not really engaging. I can't wait for my husband to get out of bed later today to tell him how MUCH I am loving this trainer and how the money was totally worth it and show him how positive of a change this is (he can be skeptical). So needless to say I am in a rather upbeat mood today.
     It also has hit me (AHA moments everyday!) that if I just stay positive, positive things will happen or at least I will just be happier and the crappy stuff won't seem as crappy!  I mean don't get me wrong I am an all around positive, outgoing person. But when it comes to most of my personal issues, as well as the disordered eating, I can be rather negative and down, although I won't show it (often). So,I have also decided to work on my attidute as well, because I think that play a HUGE role, if not one of the biggest, in succeeding. I have always believed in karma,( putting postitive out and getting it back sorta thing) and  always  try to practice it with others, but maybe it is time to practice it with myself as well.
    So, here is to a Saturday full of sunshine, positivity and probably (later) some (good) sore muscles! Enjoy! Cheers!

Things that make me happy or make me go AHA!

    I am lucky enough to have a husband that likes to cook and is FABULOUS at it! This is the meal he cooked me last night, a portabella mushroom grilled on a white bun with provolone cheese, tomato, spinach lettuce, and red peppers along with a spinach salad with raspberry vinegarette, walnuts and feta. It was DELICIOUS! It was also a big step for me, having him cook it all and me not have my hand in it (just ask him). But I let go of my rather anal tendencies for the evening and you know what, it was nice, it was delicious and I enjoyed!! So, that is definitely a step in the right direction and something that makes me happy!
     Another thing that is making me happy, almost ecstatic actually, is that I am running about 4 miles a day most days of the week again, with NO knee pain! I love running, it is my prozac! I injured my knee over the summer and wasn't able to run like I wanted, or could. This put me in all sorts of funks, but also made me realize that I had overtrained (again, not treating myself right) and that I had to take it slow, go to physical therapy and be patient (not a big virtue for me) to get back on the right track with running. So, I did just that, I went to the right doctor, had physical therapy, had a cortisone shot in my knee, took it SLOW and steady and (AHA!) here I am almost back to where I used to be. I guess my body was telling me to take a break and I proved to myself that taking it slow would lead to a good, healthy, total recovery. Now I am planning my next half-marathon.......
     One more thing to note that makes me go AHA involves me meeting with my therapist yesterday. I enjoy going to see her, it is a total release and I feel like I get everything off my chest. From issues with my disordered eating to issues with my husband (not that there are many!). But the session yesterday was about my disordered eating. I told her about this blog and my new path and she thought I was doing very well on the road to recovery. That I had finally reached that point where I was going to really commit to it (AHA!). She also has a way of making me talk out loud and make some of my thoughts aboout my body, dieting, exercise, sound as distorted as they truly are. Like the fact that not eating and overexercising doesn't necessarily make you lose weight or get healthy. Case in point, my wonderful mother has lost 50 pounds over the past year. She accomplished this by exercising and sticking to the Weight Watchers Points Plus Plan. She looks amazing and healthy. And you know what, she ATE (AHA) and exercised (not obsessively) and she looks and is so healthy and fabulous. She once told me that I was her inspiration to get on the healthy road in life. But oh how the tables have turned. She now is my inspiration on MY healthy path in life! I look to her and think Mom did it, I can surely do it, and I will be better for it (like she is).  We both have had our AHA moments in the past year or so and now we are both on the path to health, she may be a little farther down the road than I am, but I hope to catch up. Soon.



Sore Arms, Snug Pants, and Cooked Quinoa

     Woke up today with SORE arms from my workout on Tuesday with my new trainer. It always seems to take me 2 days to really feel a good workout, but I love it! While some people hate the sore feeling they get after working out, to me it hurts so good. I even called my trainer this morning to tell her how I felt and how good I felt and was looking forward to our next session. Training with her just feels different in all sorts of ways and I am excited to continue.
     On the body note, I purposely wore jeans today that were a little tight. I know this sounds a little crazy, but to me its making sense in a way. Its showing me that not taking care of myself properly has led to these jeans (which are expensive!) being a litte snug. It reminds me to stay on my path to healthy, balanced eating and new exercises and these pants will fit more comfortably. Often some of my clothes have intimidated me depending on if I was feeling  "fat" that day or not. I wouldn't try on specific shirts or pants because I just KNEW they would be too tight or make me look "huge". I know, it sounds a little nutty but its part of the distorted image I have of myself, one that with time I will change. And just putting on these pants, realizing yes they are a little tight and wearing them regardless is a step in that direction, because before it could have set me down a restrictive eating path, not this time!
     And one more little side note, I had a SUCCESSFUL experience with cooking quinoa last night. I used the rice cooker that my husband and I got almost 2 1/2 years ago for our wedding! Its a pretty cool contraption let me tell you. My quinoa was ready in about 15 minutes and no bowls were melted or harmed in the cooking process! And I discovered I really liked quinoa. It has been something I was a little scared to try, not because it was unhealthy, but because it wasn't on my "usual" healthy foods list. It had more calories than I thought it "should" for me to eat (again crazy I know). But again, with this path I am traveling on, I left or tried to leave most of those distorted thoughts in the dust behind me and keep moving forward. Even if moving forward is something as little as cooking a serving of quinoa or trying the healthy meal that my husband is cooking for me tonight, which I will report on tomorrow!
     So, turns out letting go of the negative thoughts & patterns leads to a more positive outlook. Funny it took me so long to realize this! Guess it is all part of my journey, and I am pretty excited to see what is ahead, hopefully looser expensive jeans, more sore arms (and other muscles), new healthy foods, and many other positive, healthy experiences.

But your so thin!

Today I had to go to the doctor for a  sinus infection. I know hot, right? Well, my normal routine when going to the doctor and having to be weighed is asking the nurse to please weigh me backwards and not tell me the number. One would not believe the responses I get asking this little favor. I have gotten eye rolls, huffs, comments ("Your so thin though!") and other little snarky responses. Today that same thing happened, it wasn't from the nurse (he was male) but from a pharmaceutical rep standing across from me. She looked like her eyes were going to pop out of her head when she heard me say this! I wanted to look at her straight in the eye and explain to her that hearing my weight has often and could make me go into both an instant bad mood and a starvation/diet mode (which ends up backfiring!). I would also tell her that little number on the scale has the ability, with me, to control everything, my thoughts, my moods, everything. That obsession with the scale is the reason I can't and won't weigh right now. I hope that one day I can be strong enough to go to the doctor and get on that scale, clothes and all, hear the number and not give two hoots! I know that one day it will happen, but in time. I knot it is on this path I am travelling down, I just have to get there. For now, I will just have to deal with the snarky comments and eye rolls!

Little Roadblocks On My Path

As in a path taken anywhere, a few roadblocks have appeared on this path I am on... first minor roadblock, the quinoa cooking didn't go as easily as I anticipated when I read on the box it could be cooked in the microwave! One half melted bowl in the trash and a nasty smell in the microwave later, I just went ahead and cooked the usual brown rice, but I won't give up, I will conquer the quinoa. But, on the upside, I did meet my new trainer and I am very excited to start working with her. Her views on working out are realistic and to the point and I feel like for the first time in a very long time this is going to help me and send me in the right direction. We met for about 45 minutes and when I left I was very pumped about working with her and even though it was going to be a little pricey I knew in my heart this was going to pay off. But some of that excitement was smushed (second minor roadblock) when I got home to discuss the news with my husband. I think the price of sessions took him by surprise, but after some (rather heated) discussion it was agreed upon, and I am going to the sessions. But the way he acted did upset me because I was so excited about this change. But I realize some of the way he responded could be because I have gotten "excited to change" before and said I would change and like I mentioned before, many times the attempts have been  fleeting and then I am right back where I started, or worse. So I guess, I can't blame him (totally), but what I can do is prove to him that this time it is different and that change is on the horizon so to speak. And I don't only need to prove it to him, but to myself as well. I hit one more little roadblock this morning when dressing for work realizing I am not happy with my body as it is right now AT ALL.  I did get a little down and frustrated (and grumpy) but I also realized that I am responsible for it and now I am responsible to CHANGE and get the healthy body I want and am satisfied with. I guess it is true that the only real thing you have control over is you and your responses to the world, so I guess not only am I choosing to change I am choosing to take responsibility as well. So the roadblocks can keep coming, I know they will, but I will get past them, they are just part of the path.