Few Days into 29!

     I realized it's been a few days since I have blogged on here! My first few days of 29 have been pretty good. Had a good birthday that included drinks with co-workers, dinner with the family and I even got a brand new Coach purse! YAY! Then the weekend included a girl's night with some fabulous females and Sunday was brunch with my brother and his girlfriend followed by a viewing of The Hunger Games sans the brother. The movie was GOOD, I total fell into The Hunger Games fan club!!
    Today was my first ten mile run of my half marathon. Not going to lie there were times I wanted to just be done, but I pushed through and felt really good at the end! I have to admit that both treating my body better, a/k/a feeding it more, and also letting GO of some of the negative thoughts has not only helped me in general but the running as well. Took a long time for me to get to this point, feels good to be here.
     I have also started weight training on my own since I am not working with Susie anymore. I am following Jamie Eason's LiveFit Trainer program. I am not following it to a tee, because if I did the first four weeks do not include cardio, which can't happen while training for this half. So I am incorporating the strength training moves into my regular workouts. Turns out I CAN do strength training on my OWN and I LIKE it a lot. I owe a lot of that to Susie showing me what to do and how to do it properly as well as encouraging me to keep it up.
     So, needless to say 29 is starting out as a pretty good year, sure hope it keeps up! I know it will in the near future because baseball season is RIGHT around the corner!! GO CARDS!!

More Changes and Last day of 28

     On the eve of my 28th birthday there are more changes in the air for this chick. Guess I was pretty spot on when choosing the title for this blog. I found out last night when I went to work out with my trainer Susie, that this week's sessions would be the last. Turns out she got a fabulous job offer at a health club in the area and she has to give up the personal training to do so. While I am very sad to not see her every week anymore and get her kick a** workouts in, I am very happy for her and wishing her all the best! This changes forces me to "take the bull by the horns" so to speak and motivate MYSELF to stick with my strength training regimen.
     I had always kind of given up on any sort of strength training plan I was given or took from a magazine. But  training with Susie changed that for me. She showed me so many different tricks and exercises that were more than the usual bicep curl and chest press but that WORKED and changed your body. She was realistic about the amount of time needed to work in the gym to see results and was about looking toned and healthy, rather than just thin. Her attitude and her advice sparked something in me. Made me realize that I really DO like strength training and that running isn't the ONLY option for me to be trim and healthy. For this I will ever be indebted to her!
    She also has lit a little spark in me to try something new. Something I have always wanted to do, but never really taken the step FORWARD to do so. That my friends, is getting certified as a personal trainer. She told me that she believes I would be very good at it because not only is it pretty much a hobby for me, but I know a lot about it and I have also struggled with issues that can help me relate to women (and men) seeking to get healthy and fit. I have toyed with the idea of getting this certification for awhile, but never really looked into it. Well, I started looking. The certification and classes are not that much money, and it really is something that I would love to do.  I would have to get into training slowly and build up, but it could be something that really pays off in the end and doing something I am so passionate about kind of excites me. So, we will see after I do more research when and if I do this thing...I am leaning more towards absolutely!
     So as the last day of my 28th year winds down I am feeling pretty good. I feel a little more balanced and calmer than I was at this point last year. Due in parts to a new job and a recent reality check from Mom. But, as I look ahead to my last year in my 20's I hope to really live it to the fullest. To enjoy it and quit the BS...as Mom pointed out earlier this week. To be the Jen I started out my 20's like, the one who got lost for a bit but is now returning. So, bring it on 29 I am SO ready!                      

Reality Check

     So, I woke up this morning still dragging a little from the busy (but fun) weekend. After exercising, showering and getting ready I put on my dress clothes for work today. I haven't worn my dressier clothes since I quit my old job because my new job has a rather comfortable dress code. Anyway, when I put the pants on they were tighter than I remembered. And this my friends, put me in a tizzy. Right back to where I didn't want to be. All the thoughts and urges to go back to my old ways came flooding back. Ugh. When I stopped in the office I was emailing with my Mom. She turned around and put me in my place.
     My Mom and I are very close and I don't know what I would do without her. She is honestly one of my best friends. And today my Mom was both a best friend and a mom and got brutally honest with me. My Mom wrote me back more than one very BLUNT emails telling me to stop this constant up and down I put myself through. She gave me one helluva reality check.
      Her email basically told me I have been coddled too long with this and basically I need to stop focusing so much on this body issue stuff and being so self-involved about it and focus on other things. Things such as  my life, my marriage, ANYTHING else but my body. Now, while some may think this was rather harsh, mind you, she has been through this with me all the way. Although no one ever really wants to face a real reality check, I am glad she said what she said.  I took it all to heart. What is funny is that (Mom pay attention as you read this) she is SO right.
     After reading the emails and taking it all in, I am over it. Not the email, not the reality check. But myself. Now, I have said this before, but for some reason today it feels different. I am over fussing if I am eating the right thing at the right time, over if I am eating enough calories for the day, if there will be healthy options wherever I will be eating if going out. I am over trying to focus so much on the intuitiveness of it all, I just want to pay attention to my body. What I want and what my body is telling me I need. Which I guess is part of the intuitive eating process, in my own words. So, to do this and basically get over it all I have to do a few things.
      One thing I definitely need to do to get over this is to leave this disordered eating in the past. Yes,  I have struggled with it for a long time. Yes it has sucked and ruined some days. But the worst of it is behind me and it needs to stay there. I know how to be healthy, what to eat and do to be healthy. Healthy is the focus now. Another step I probably should take is to stop doing the calorie counting . Although I don't mind doing it, I believe it drags me back towards focusing too much on the food and can spawn some of the old obsessive thoughts. So, I need to cut off my membership to Myfitnesspal.com, for now anyway. I also need to focus on other things than my disordered eating here in my blog. I am over talking about it, thinking about it. It's done and over and I need to focus on new  and better things in life. I want to try some new things and focus on those and other fun experiences that life has to offer. Things that have nothing to do with eating disorders. I want to focus more on actually LIVING the healthy life I want. I want to share the new things, be it recipes, classes, exercises, whatever that I want to try in my journey to achieving a healthy lifestyle.
     So there it is, a reality check on a Monday. One I wasn't expecting but really did need. One that really struck a chord today and has changed my perspective on this whole issue.  Mom also reminded me that Chrissy would not approve of me living the way I have lately with the fussing and such, wasting time. That is so true.
     Thanks Mom for the words of wisdom, you always seem to know what I need. So, I am signing off on the disordered eating talk. I am leaving that all behind me and not letting it be a major issue for myself and my thoughts anymore. Time to move on, like Kelly Clarkson sings...(sing it with my Jer) "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger..."

Wondering....

     Fun weekend already swooshed by! This weekend we celebrated St. Patrick's Day yesterday and on Friday night Jeremy and I went to St. Louis to stay the night and have an (early) birthday dinner for me. We went to one of my favorite places, Oyster Bar! Delicious! Yesterday, I did the annual St. Patrick's Day run in downtown St. Louis with my friend Sam. While it was weirdly hot and humid for March 17th, we both finished in under 45 minutes, 44 to be exact!! We were rather proud of ourselves. Then after cleaning up and bedazzling ourselves in all things green we headed out for the parade and a day of cocktailing with friends. It was a really fun day, all in all, even though we did get a little wet when the storms rolled in late afternoon and we started going bar to bar. Today was a nice breakfast in Soulard with the husband and then a movie day at home.
     Even though there was lots of fun had this weekend I also have been thinking over the past week or so about the path I am on. It does get really trying at times, and there are days I really have to stay committed but I want so bad to see it through. I am also starting a new book tonight that goes along with my nutritionists suggesting to be easier on myself. The book is called "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion". Again notice the word mindful, guess that is a theme for me this year. Anyway, it had great reviews on Amazon so I decided to check it out. It can only help me some, because I know I am hard on myself.
    So, now it's onto the week ahead. I have some new responsibilities at work, so I have a feeling it could be a week of learning (and later in the week celebrating my birthday). So here is to another fabulous Spring week.

Getting a Little Easier

     Monday again, but I can handle this kind of Monday when its as gorgeous as it was here today! Springtime is here I believe and I love it! Makes it really feel like baseball season is around the corner, and it pretty much is. Thank goodness! After a fabulous, low key weekend involving getting my hair done (THANK you Karlee!), window shopping and having lunch with my family I was rested and feeling good.
     I am also beginning to see that this all isn't that hard. I just need to not take it so seriously and be so hard on myself. Like my nutritionist recommended. I mean don't get me wrong it is hard but relaxing about it does make it easier! I also started tracking my food online at myfitnesspal.com which helps as well (thanks again Karlee for the recommendation!). Some would think the tracking would maybe send me back into some of my old traps and habits. But really, now, its kind of the opposite. I see exactly what I am putting in my body, how I am treating it. And sometimes it encourages me to do better, and that sometimes means feeding it more and better. It really is helping me for now and I like it.
     So, after a month or so long snit over all this I am feeling a lot more confident and less stressed about it. Finally. Nice to be here. Also nice to see some of my pants that didn't fit quite the way I wanted when I started this feeling a bit better. Always a bonus and right on par with what my nutritionist said, slow and steady. I guess this patience thing takes some learning, but beginning to feel so worth it!

My Own Problem? My Own Solution?

     I found this quote today on another blog, it says "You are your own problem and you are your own solution." Now, this SPOKE to me for a number of reasons.
      First, I had my Skype session with my nutritionist (finally!) the other night. It is always good to get both a professional's and outsider'ss opinion on things. She did make me feel better by telling me that I am really grasping some of the concepts of intuitive eating. She also told me that I am too hard on myself. (DUH!) I always have been tough on myself, not sure why. I can only assume it is one of the qualities of being a perfectionist, fabulous! Anyway, basically being too hard on myself will only slow progress in this path to intuitive eating. Ding ding...there I am being my own problem.
     Second, again in the session, as we were chatting she was kind of making me think of WHY I sometimes get so anxious around food or in certain situations involving food. A light bulb went off. I tend to  "take on" other people's emotions or I worry about if others around me are having a good time. I don't worry or pay attention to myself. Therefore, I am not self-aware and cannot really engage in intuitive eating. I figured this out by explaining a story from the weekend when Jeremy had been rather grumpy and I just assumed it was something I did (again, taking responsibility for nothing!) and that put me in a funk and unfortunately led to me kind of falling off my intuitive eating wagon. Again, being my own problem.
     Third, as I was just pondering all of these light bulb moments that were arising this morning. I also thought about another issue. I never really SLOW down per say. I am always up and moving from one thing or another, especially in the evenings when I get home from work. Or, as Jeremy will tell you, when I try to watch a movie! Anyway, in this rush to get things done for the next day, or house chores done, I also rush my meals or decisions about what to have. Again, by doing so I cannot engage in intuitive eating. I can't really listen to my body, what it wants, what it needs, when I am full. Ding ding ding Jen...being your own problem again!
      So, as I realize that I am my own problem in a number of instances here, I can also, as the quote says, become my own solution. See, I think with this intuitive eating process I believed it would just all come to me at once and be easy. Oops, WRONG! I realized this before my session with  my nutritionist started. I guess it is because before I have always taken the "easy" and rather unhealthy route when it came to food,  I just restricted and ignored my body. This is the complete polar opposite of what I am doing now! So this is all way out of my comfort zone and a change!! But, it is also the SOLUTION to what I have been struggling with for so long.
    How am I going to be my own solution to some of the problems I make for myself? Well, this is how. First, I need to SLOW down. Now, this will take quite a bit of effort as I am Type A and that won't change. But I need to realize that life will still happen, it doesn't all have to be done at once. I also need to incorporate the idea of intuitive eating, that food will be there regardless, don't have to rush meals. Take time. Savor. I may also try a yoga class or DVD once a week. And really make an effort to do so, as I have made this promise to myself before and obviously gotten nowhere. Another thing I can do to solve my problems above is realize that more often than NOT other people's moods and emotions have nothing to do with me. That the ONLY person I am responsible for is myself. That I am in charge of my own happiness and moods and that's it. I am not responsible for others. OF course I will still be happy and pleasant and aid in promotion of good moods, but I can't change the way people think or feel. LIGHT BULB!!!
    I believe this what one calls progress and I am feeling good about it. Finally, after a month or so of struggling. So, here's to everyone being their own solution!
    

Been Thinking

     Well, the weekend went too fast again and now it's already Monday night! Bloomington was a good time as usual. Good to visit with the family and Miles. I always crack up watching Jeremy and Miles together, they are almost the same person sometimes! They laugh just the same...seriously its scary. All in all it was a good time, but again I had a little setback.
     I won't get into all the nitty gritty of the setback, because to be honest its exhausting to keep going back there and I am a little upset with myself over it. I know I am supposed to relax about it all and know it is part of the process, but it's getting old! It is like I come so far and have all the best intentions and then WHAM three steps back. It is almost like a small part of me sabotages the larger part that is trying to be strong and get better. I try to relax about it and I do handle it a little better than I used to, but I would just assume not be in that position at all. My nutritionist has some ideas to talk with me about during our session tomorrow. She wants to share some thoughts and exercises that will help me out when I am struggling or facing tough situations when it comes to this stuff. I am going to really listen and incorporate these from now on. I think, again, part of me hears and understands it all but there is some part of me won't fully embrace it. I think it is the same part of me that sabotages progress at certain times. I really want that part not to rear its ugly head so often, I  am so fed up. I just want to be better. I think I will,  this is just all going to take a long while.
     Man! I am a little bit Debbie Downer today but feels a little better to have it off my chest! On the brighter side, I got my new cookbook and am planning to try out a new recipe or two this week! I already tried some new protein bars tonight, not bad,  but also not the greatest, but  tasted alright. Definitely what we call "Jen food" in our house. 
     So, I am going to try to keep my head up right now. I have to look at the progress I have made and remember that this is about progress not perfection. As a perfectionist, this is pretty hard to fully embrace, but I am going to try like hell!

Packing Up and Heading Out

     It's Friday and the Dunham's are heading to Bloomington. We are going up this weekend to visit the in-laws, split up our Cardinals season tickets (yay!!) and hang out with one of Jeremy's college buddies from Chicago, Miles.  I am really looking forward to it. I have been itching to get out of town (and not just to STL) for awhile now and hoping this will scratch that itch some. Not to mention I get to relax in the hot tub with a big glass of wine!
      I didn't meet with my nutritionist last night due to the fact that I was busy packing and the fact that Jeremy deleted everything from the computer and I have to reload Skype to have the meeting. But I am kind of glad the meeting was postponed. Why is that? Well, I have mentioned before that sometimes going to Bloomington causes me some stress where food and meals are concerned. Last time we visited, I went in strong willed and ready to be intuitive about all things food related, but I had a bit of a set back. Looking back I think the set back was good for me. This made me see where I don't want to be, how I don't want to feel and gives me motivation this time around NOT to go back there. It's not fun. Both the physical and  psychological feelings are rather unpleasant. So, this time around I do feel a little stronger. I know I may have a set back and that's ok. I want to see how this weekend goes and then delve into it all with my nutritionist on Tuesday when we meet. I want to be able to give her a good report but, if I I have a setback we can go over why it happened and how not to keep going back to that point. Hopefully though I have mostly good things to report.
     I am beginning to feel a little stronger with both the eating and the distorted thoughts. I am not sure why but just seems like I am beginning to get it more, its beginning to click. Really doing what I said  I would and learning to not stress so much about it all and take the advice that is tattooed on my body, Breathe, really is beginning to work. Funny, I fight some of these ideas for so long but when I give in, they (AHA!) work. Guess I am a little stubborn like my father after all.
     So, with my stronger attitude and itch to bust out of here I am ready to head north to Bloomington. Ready to find out what Cardinals games we get to go to this season and also ready to see what downtown Bloomington has in store for the Dunham Duo and Miles tomorrow evening! Hope everyone has a great weekend!! Cheers!!