So, I woke up this morning still dragging a little from the busy (but fun) weekend. After exercising, showering and getting ready I put on my dress clothes for work today. I haven't worn my dressier clothes since I quit my old job because my new job has a rather comfortable dress code. Anyway, when I put the pants on they were tighter than I remembered. And this my friends, put me in a tizzy. Right back to where I didn't want to be. All the thoughts and urges to go back to my old ways came flooding back. Ugh. When I stopped in the office I was emailing with my Mom. She turned around and put me in my place.
My Mom and I are very close and I don't know what I would do without her. She is honestly one of my best friends. And today my Mom was both a best friend and a mom and got brutally honest with me. My Mom wrote me back more than one very BLUNT emails telling me to stop this constant up and down I put myself through. She gave me one helluva reality check.
Her email basically told me I have been coddled too long with this and basically I need to stop focusing so much on this body issue stuff and being so self-involved about it and focus on other things. Things such as my life, my marriage, ANYTHING else but my body. Now, while some may think this was rather harsh, mind you, she has been through this with me all the way. Although no one ever really wants to face a real reality check, I am glad she said what she said. I took it all to heart. What is funny is that (Mom pay attention as you read this) she is SO right.
After reading the emails and taking it all in, I am over it. Not the email, not the reality check. But myself. Now, I have said this before, but for some reason today it feels different. I am over fussing if I am eating the right thing at the right time, over if I am eating enough calories for the day, if there will be healthy options wherever I will be eating if going out. I am over trying to focus so much on the intuitiveness of it all, I just want to pay attention to my body. What I want and what my body is telling me I need. Which I guess is part of the intuitive eating process, in my own words. So, to do this and basically get over it all I have to do a few things.
One thing I definitely need to do to get over this is to leave this disordered eating in the past. Yes, I have struggled with it for a long time. Yes it has sucked and ruined some days. But the worst of it is behind me and it needs to stay there. I know how to be healthy, what to eat and do to be healthy. Healthy is the focus now. Another step I probably should take is to stop doing the calorie counting . Although I don't mind doing it, I believe it drags me back towards focusing too much on the food and can spawn some of the old obsessive thoughts. So, I need to cut off my membership to Myfitnesspal.com, for now anyway. I also need to focus on other things than my disordered eating here in my blog. I am over talking about it, thinking about it. It's done and over and I need to focus on new and better things in life. I want to try some new things and focus on those and other fun experiences that life has to offer. Things that have nothing to do with eating disorders. I want to focus more on actually LIVING the healthy life I want. I want to share the new things, be it recipes, classes, exercises, whatever that I want to try in my journey to achieving a healthy lifestyle.
So there it is, a reality check on a Monday. One I wasn't expecting but really did need. One that really struck a chord today and has changed my perspective on this whole issue. Mom also reminded me that Chrissy would not approve of me living the way I have lately with the fussing and such, wasting time. That is so true.
Thanks Mom for the words of wisdom, you always seem to know what I need. So, I am signing off on the disordered eating talk. I am leaving that all behind me and not letting it be a major issue for myself and my thoughts anymore. Time to move on, like Kelly Clarkson sings...(sing it with my Jer) "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger..."
Showing posts with label disordered thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disordered thoughts. Show all posts
Monday, March 19, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Been Thinking
Well, the weekend went too fast again and now it's already Monday night! Bloomington was a good time as usual. Good to visit with the family and Miles. I always crack up watching Jeremy and Miles together, they are almost the same person sometimes! They laugh just the same...seriously its scary. All in all it was a good time, but again I had a little setback.
I won't get into all the nitty gritty of the setback, because to be honest its exhausting to keep going back there and I am a little upset with myself over it. I know I am supposed to relax about it all and know it is part of the process, but it's getting old! It is like I come so far and have all the best intentions and then WHAM three steps back. It is almost like a small part of me sabotages the larger part that is trying to be strong and get better. I try to relax about it and I do handle it a little better than I used to, but I would just assume not be in that position at all. My nutritionist has some ideas to talk with me about during our session tomorrow. She wants to share some thoughts and exercises that will help me out when I am struggling or facing tough situations when it comes to this stuff. I am going to really listen and incorporate these from now on. I think, again, part of me hears and understands it all but there is some part of me won't fully embrace it. I think it is the same part of me that sabotages progress at certain times. I really want that part not to rear its ugly head so often, I am so fed up. I just want to be better. I think I will, this is just all going to take a long while.
Man! I am a little bit Debbie Downer today but feels a little better to have it off my chest! On the brighter side, I got my new cookbook and am planning to try out a new recipe or two this week! I already tried some new protein bars tonight, not bad, but also not the greatest, but tasted alright. Definitely what we call "Jen food" in our house.
So, I am going to try to keep my head up right now. I have to look at the progress I have made and remember that this is about progress not perfection. As a perfectionist, this is pretty hard to fully embrace, but I am going to try like hell!
I won't get into all the nitty gritty of the setback, because to be honest its exhausting to keep going back there and I am a little upset with myself over it. I know I am supposed to relax about it all and know it is part of the process, but it's getting old! It is like I come so far and have all the best intentions and then WHAM three steps back. It is almost like a small part of me sabotages the larger part that is trying to be strong and get better. I try to relax about it and I do handle it a little better than I used to, but I would just assume not be in that position at all. My nutritionist has some ideas to talk with me about during our session tomorrow. She wants to share some thoughts and exercises that will help me out when I am struggling or facing tough situations when it comes to this stuff. I am going to really listen and incorporate these from now on. I think, again, part of me hears and understands it all but there is some part of me won't fully embrace it. I think it is the same part of me that sabotages progress at certain times. I really want that part not to rear its ugly head so often, I am so fed up. I just want to be better. I think I will, this is just all going to take a long while.
Man! I am a little bit Debbie Downer today but feels a little better to have it off my chest! On the brighter side, I got my new cookbook and am planning to try out a new recipe or two this week! I already tried some new protein bars tonight, not bad, but also not the greatest, but tasted alright. Definitely what we call "Jen food" in our house.
So, I am going to try to keep my head up right now. I have to look at the progress I have made and remember that this is about progress not perfection. As a perfectionist, this is pretty hard to fully embrace, but I am going to try like hell!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Turnaround Tuesday and a Little Reflection
Today was definitely a better day. I left yesterday behind and started over. Work was better and went smoother which is a big plus. Thank goodness for fabulous and fun co-workers! I am still struggling with the body stuff, but again I am trying to breathe and just chalk it up to hormones and all that fun girl stuff. Hoping and knowing it will pass (hopefully soon!) is helping me not to freak out too bad. But thinking and fussing over all this stuff has led me to some reflection.
When I realize how much I fuss over these (somewhat trivial) body image and food issues I can't help but feel guilty a bit. Why guilty? Well, I think of the precious time I waste doing it, time that my cousin Chrissy, who passed away when she was 17 and I was 16, would have given anything for. She had a very rare form of cancer that she fought with all she had. Even through her most radical, painful treatments she remained positive. When she finally was in remission I remember watching how much she treasured life. She didn't seem to fuss over the fact that her beautiful blond hair had fallen out and she was now bald. Nope, she rocked the bandannas. She didn't seem to fuss over really anyof the little stuff at the time,she seemed so happy to just be living her life as a normal teenager. Unfortunately, the cancer came back with a vengeance. There were no more treatment options, and just weeks after her 17th birthday and her Junior prom, Chrissy passed away. I still remember my Mom telling me the news, trying to process all the emotions was so hard. I remember how sad and difficult her funeral was. The song Amazing Grace will never be the same. It was one of the hardest things to understand and accept, but I know she is watching over all of us and is now no longer in pain.
Recently, more and more, when I think about and realize how much time I fuss over this (basically) trivial stuff I think about Chrissy. I think about how she wouldn't be real happy with me for basically wasting time being so down when I should be enjoying life. I should be enjoy being young, being HEALTHY. She went through so much during her illness and treatment. She went through hell and back and yet she remained positive. Did she have her hard moments, yes, but she fought to live and be healthy. Now, here I am perfectly healthy, yet I fight it. I fuss. I think I look fat, I feel bloated, I think pants fit too tight. I waste and lose precious time fussing over things that basically do not matter. The bottom line is that I am healthy I am here, I am alive. Why the heck not be happy and LIVE my life. Why not let the trivial stuff go? Chrissy would have. Chrissy did exactly that when she was here with us.
Through all this reflection I have decided that I really do need to start embracing real life more and stop fussing over the rather trivial parts. I know my body image and food issues are a part of me and something I will always have to deal with on some level. But they don't have to control me like the have, like they do, there is so much more to life. Chrissy taught me that. I need to strive to be and stay healthy and enjoy everyday I have. Even the days that stink, I need to find something positive, something to enjoy. To me, my goal and choice to change doesn't only mean embracing a healthier lifestyle but embracing life in general. It means learning to breathe, being happy, getting healthy and making Chrissy proud.
Love you Chrissy and I know your helping me along the way.
When I realize how much I fuss over these (somewhat trivial) body image and food issues I can't help but feel guilty a bit. Why guilty? Well, I think of the precious time I waste doing it, time that my cousin Chrissy, who passed away when she was 17 and I was 16, would have given anything for. She had a very rare form of cancer that she fought with all she had. Even through her most radical, painful treatments she remained positive. When she finally was in remission I remember watching how much she treasured life. She didn't seem to fuss over the fact that her beautiful blond hair had fallen out and she was now bald. Nope, she rocked the bandannas. She didn't seem to fuss over really anyof the little stuff at the time,she seemed so happy to just be living her life as a normal teenager. Unfortunately, the cancer came back with a vengeance. There were no more treatment options, and just weeks after her 17th birthday and her Junior prom, Chrissy passed away. I still remember my Mom telling me the news, trying to process all the emotions was so hard. I remember how sad and difficult her funeral was. The song Amazing Grace will never be the same. It was one of the hardest things to understand and accept, but I know she is watching over all of us and is now no longer in pain.
Recently, more and more, when I think about and realize how much time I fuss over this (basically) trivial stuff I think about Chrissy. I think about how she wouldn't be real happy with me for basically wasting time being so down when I should be enjoying life. I should be enjoy being young, being HEALTHY. She went through so much during her illness and treatment. She went through hell and back and yet she remained positive. Did she have her hard moments, yes, but she fought to live and be healthy. Now, here I am perfectly healthy, yet I fight it. I fuss. I think I look fat, I feel bloated, I think pants fit too tight. I waste and lose precious time fussing over things that basically do not matter. The bottom line is that I am healthy I am here, I am alive. Why the heck not be happy and LIVE my life. Why not let the trivial stuff go? Chrissy would have. Chrissy did exactly that when she was here with us.
Through all this reflection I have decided that I really do need to start embracing real life more and stop fussing over the rather trivial parts. I know my body image and food issues are a part of me and something I will always have to deal with on some level. But they don't have to control me like the have, like they do, there is so much more to life. Chrissy taught me that. I need to strive to be and stay healthy and enjoy everyday I have. Even the days that stink, I need to find something positive, something to enjoy. To me, my goal and choice to change doesn't only mean embracing a healthier lifestyle but embracing life in general. It means learning to breathe, being happy, getting healthy and making Chrissy proud.
Love you Chrissy and I know your helping me along the way.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Just Another Manic Monday!
I heard this song and all I could think was I hope that isn't how my Monday ends up. But, regardless of what I wished it did turn into a little bit of a manic Monday for this chick. But the good part is at least it is pretty much over! First, a recap of a weekend before I get to the nitty gritty!!
Weekend was a good time! Friday night we went and visited some great friends , Katie, Mike and their son Brady, at their new house WAY over in Missouri. It really wasn't far at all but I teased her about it some because her family did as well. Katie and I have been friends since we were in first grade, it is so surreal sometimes to be visiting now with husbands, kids and new houses. But, it is so fun and always great to see them. Saturday night we had a fundraiser for Jeremy's boss to attend. We went to dinner before the fundraiser with some old and new friends which was fun. We had cocktails and more fun at the fundraiser. I had some good girl talk with a good friend , Sam, who was so supportive and kind in everything she said. She told me she still reads my blog and just encouraged me which meant so much!Hopefully we can encourage each other as much when we run our half marathon in April! Sunday was a much needed veg day. Love those sometimes. Yes, even me, Ms. Non-Stop!!
As the weekend wrapped, it was on to this manic Monday. I have to be honest I am really struggling with the intuitive eating and body image thing at the moment. Part of me wants to blame it on "girl time" and part of me thinks maybe it is just a low. I know I am due for a tune up with my nutritionist and have scheduled one for late next week. I am struggling because I feel like my body is not changing at all through my better diet and my hard work. That it is instead revolting a bit or not responding at all. Although I have been reassured I am doing well, it is getting very difficult for me to believe it. Very hard to keep trusting this. Very hard to NOT fall into old habits, the quick fix. But I have calmed some and have vowed to not fall into the old habits. I know those aren't healthy and will not work long term. I believe realizing this is a good step. The staying focused and believing in myself is what I am struggling with most. I told my nutritionist that I know what the intuitive eating phases are and I understand them to a point but I know a part of me is not fully accepting them. She assured me that could in fact be the case and often is because it is scary to fully embrace these concepts. However, I realize that I need to quit being scared and embrace this. So far this process has been scary and eye opening at points, why still be scared? So to take steps in the direction of fully embracing all the concepts, I am re-reading the book I have and taking new notes. Trying to stay positive. I can't lie this is all hard. Very hard.
On top of the body issues I had going on in my head today, I also had a rather tough afternoon at work. Again, girl time helps nothing, but just had one of those Mondays I couldn't wait to end. And it did. I do tend to fuss some and worry when I have a tough day like today but my wise Mother did remind me to just breathe and let it go. One would think I would finally grasp this concept as it IS tattooed on my wrist. Baby steps. But Mom would be glad to know that why I did still fuss and worry, I did also sit back on the couch and relax some. Blogging is part of that relaxation for me.
So, now it is on to Tuesday which is hopefully less manic than Monday. On to re-educating myself on intuitive eating and staying strong through this process. To not let me get me is the goal of not only the week but the goal of this whole profess.
Weekend was a good time! Friday night we went and visited some great friends , Katie, Mike and their son Brady, at their new house WAY over in Missouri. It really wasn't far at all but I teased her about it some because her family did as well. Katie and I have been friends since we were in first grade, it is so surreal sometimes to be visiting now with husbands, kids and new houses. But, it is so fun and always great to see them. Saturday night we had a fundraiser for Jeremy's boss to attend. We went to dinner before the fundraiser with some old and new friends which was fun. We had cocktails and more fun at the fundraiser. I had some good girl talk with a good friend , Sam, who was so supportive and kind in everything she said. She told me she still reads my blog and just encouraged me which meant so much!Hopefully we can encourage each other as much when we run our half marathon in April! Sunday was a much needed veg day. Love those sometimes. Yes, even me, Ms. Non-Stop!!
As the weekend wrapped, it was on to this manic Monday. I have to be honest I am really struggling with the intuitive eating and body image thing at the moment. Part of me wants to blame it on "girl time" and part of me thinks maybe it is just a low. I know I am due for a tune up with my nutritionist and have scheduled one for late next week. I am struggling because I feel like my body is not changing at all through my better diet and my hard work. That it is instead revolting a bit or not responding at all. Although I have been reassured I am doing well, it is getting very difficult for me to believe it. Very hard to keep trusting this. Very hard to NOT fall into old habits, the quick fix. But I have calmed some and have vowed to not fall into the old habits. I know those aren't healthy and will not work long term. I believe realizing this is a good step. The staying focused and believing in myself is what I am struggling with most. I told my nutritionist that I know what the intuitive eating phases are and I understand them to a point but I know a part of me is not fully accepting them. She assured me that could in fact be the case and often is because it is scary to fully embrace these concepts. However, I realize that I need to quit being scared and embrace this. So far this process has been scary and eye opening at points, why still be scared? So to take steps in the direction of fully embracing all the concepts, I am re-reading the book I have and taking new notes. Trying to stay positive. I can't lie this is all hard. Very hard.
On top of the body issues I had going on in my head today, I also had a rather tough afternoon at work. Again, girl time helps nothing, but just had one of those Mondays I couldn't wait to end. And it did. I do tend to fuss some and worry when I have a tough day like today but my wise Mother did remind me to just breathe and let it go. One would think I would finally grasp this concept as it IS tattooed on my wrist. Baby steps. But Mom would be glad to know that why I did still fuss and worry, I did also sit back on the couch and relax some. Blogging is part of that relaxation for me.
So, now it is on to Tuesday which is hopefully less manic than Monday. On to re-educating myself on intuitive eating and staying strong through this process. To not let me get me is the goal of not only the week but the goal of this whole profess.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Another Step In the Right Direction
Halfway through the week! Hooray! And I have taken another step forward in progress in getting rid of this disordered eating and the thoughts that go with it. Today, I had lunch out at a restaurant as opposed to eating in as I usually do. Now, to some this is no big deal, in fact they do it every day. But, for me, while I have been struggling with it has been a challenge.
For some bizarre reason, I developed the thoughts that I couldn't have too MUCH for lunch. That if I DID eat out at a restaurant, I needed to stick with what I knew and what was safe. I had to check out the menu and nutrition facts before I went to be prepared. And when I did eat out at a restaurant for lunch I would restrict some at dinner. Clearly, this is not a normal way of approaching a simple lunch out.
Today, I ate at a bar and grill. I did stick with something safe, a chef salad. But not because I felt I had too, but because I had tried it before and it was good. I had it and ate every bit and it was delicious. After, I did have to talk myself out of some negative thoughts, which I did quickly. Then, tonight dinner rolled around. When that time came, I didn't restrict. This is a pretty significant step forward. I had a good, balanced (and delicious) dinner of quinoa with chicken breast and veggies sprinkled with a few almonds recommended by my nutritionist (picture below!). It was delicious and I enjoyed it with a little bit of good Italian bread. I enjoyed every bite and didn't have any negative thoughts. Actually, I even had a snack of some of my healthified banana bread a bit later. All without negativity. A step in the right direction. Hooray.
So, I am ready to veg out on the couch and enjoy the rest of the evening. Proud of myself for my steps forward. Keeps me motivated.
For some bizarre reason, I developed the thoughts that I couldn't have too MUCH for lunch. That if I DID eat out at a restaurant, I needed to stick with what I knew and what was safe. I had to check out the menu and nutrition facts before I went to be prepared. And when I did eat out at a restaurant for lunch I would restrict some at dinner. Clearly, this is not a normal way of approaching a simple lunch out.
Today, I ate at a bar and grill. I did stick with something safe, a chef salad. But not because I felt I had too, but because I had tried it before and it was good. I had it and ate every bit and it was delicious. After, I did have to talk myself out of some negative thoughts, which I did quickly. Then, tonight dinner rolled around. When that time came, I didn't restrict. This is a pretty significant step forward. I had a good, balanced (and delicious) dinner of quinoa with chicken breast and veggies sprinkled with a few almonds recommended by my nutritionist (picture below!). It was delicious and I enjoyed it with a little bit of good Italian bread. I enjoyed every bite and didn't have any negative thoughts. Actually, I even had a snack of some of my healthified banana bread a bit later. All without negativity. A step in the right direction. Hooray.
So, I am ready to veg out on the couch and enjoy the rest of the evening. Proud of myself for my steps forward. Keeps me motivated.
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| Delicious Dinner! |
Monday, January 30, 2012
Just Another Monday
Today was another Monday, not a bad one, just a Monday. I had all intentions of trying a new recipe for dinner tonight, but on my way home I just felt pooped out and reconsidered. But, I forged through the laziness and tried not one, but two new recipes again tonight! I am proud of myself for branching out with this cooking thing again!
Dinner was a peanut noodle recipe from my nutritionist Although Jeremy will argue he cooked most of it (he did cook the chicken, and helped watch the noodles) I did my share too. It turned out really good! Whole wheat noodles in a peanut sauce, chicken breast, mixed veggies and crushed peanuts on top. Here's what it looked like before I devoured the deliciousness:
Dinner was a peanut noodle recipe from my nutritionist Although Jeremy will argue he cooked most of it (he did cook the chicken, and helped watch the noodles) I did my share too. It turned out really good! Whole wheat noodles in a peanut sauce, chicken breast, mixed veggies and crushed peanuts on top. Here's what it looked like before I devoured the deliciousness:
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| YUM! |
After this tasty dinner I decided to try a recipe for a healthified vegan banana bread. It is in the oven as we speak and smells delicious. I will report tomorrow on how it actually tastes. But from what the batter tasted like, it should be good.
So, turns out I really like trying these new recipes and food. I know none of it is anything wild, but trying these things are a far step from where I once was. I was once so scared of food I didn't "know" or couldn't calculate. Now, I realize it's about being healthy, fueling my body but still enjoying what I am eating. It's funny how it all comes together more and more as I go along. I figured it would all start making sense but feels good to be making progress. I still have a ways to go, I can't say I don't still struggle at times and have to fight the negative thoughts. But it is getting a lot better, slowly.
Well, the banana bread is near done and ready to be taken out of the oven so I better get to taste testing so I have something to blog about tomorrow!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Finally Friday
TGIF! Finally, made it to Friday!! I am ready for the fun weekend Jeremy and I have planned. Tonight, we are going out to dinner with my brother Ben and his GF Jessica at an Italian & Spanish restaurant on the Hill in St. Louis. Our dinner date is out (belated) Christmas gifts to one another. After dinner, we are supposed to go ice skating. Now there is where the fun part really kicks in! This should be quite entertaining as I am NOT very good at the whole ice skating thing and my brother had never been! Jessica and Jeremy are both good at it, must be a Hawkins trait that we aren't so talented in the ice skating area. But, regardless it will be fun and good to hang out with them! Then tomorrow night we are hanging out with some more friends we haven't seen in quite awhile.
I am really looking forward to relaxing. To catching up and seeing everyone this weekend! For the first time in a long time I am focused on spending time with the people I need and want to catch up with. Not just when am I going to get a workout in or will I have time or where we are eating and what will I eat. To not fret over these things feels amazeballs!! Yes, amazeballs!!
So here is to a Happy Friday to all and I will report tomorrow the experiences of tonight, both with the new restaurant and the ice skating experience! Cheers to the weekend everyone!!
I am really looking forward to relaxing. To catching up and seeing everyone this weekend! For the first time in a long time I am focused on spending time with the people I need and want to catch up with. Not just when am I going to get a workout in or will I have time or where we are eating and what will I eat. To not fret over these things feels amazeballs!! Yes, amazeballs!!
So here is to a Happy Friday to all and I will report tomorrow the experiences of tonight, both with the new restaurant and the ice skating experience! Cheers to the weekend everyone!!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Sunday Funday
Today was Sunday Funday for the Dunham household. The kind that so far hasn't involved any alcoholic beverages for me! But it was a productive and fun day for us. We took the pups on a tour of the area! We hit up Petco, Lowe's, my mom and dad's house and Wal-Mart. We got the pups some treats at Petco, figured out at Mom and Dad's where we are staying in Gulf Shores in September (can't wait!), and got groceries at Wal-Mart. All pretty productive for a gloomy Sunday.
My original plans for last night fell through, which was a bummer. So instead, Jeremy and I went with my brother, Ben, to have some dinner and drinks in St. Louis. Even though it was below the temperature Jeremy likes to venture out in, we did and had a good time. Now, even though I love to go out and have cocktails, dinner and visit with friends and family it also used to ignite some stress and disordered thoughts. I used to focus on all the calories I would be drinking and limit my food during the day. If dinner was in the plan for the evening I would often eat something small or "safe", never trying something new or "too filling". Now, as you can imagine, this would often lead to me either getting QUITE intoxicated RATHER fast or at the end of the evening, when we arrived home, entering TOTAL munchie mode because I was STARVING!! Then after doing one of these things, the disordered thoughts would begin. Well, obviously, it took a long time for me to realize this really wasn't working AT ALL. I realized my eating patterns on those days (usually weekends) were setting me up to fail and it had to change. So, now when I know we are going out, I need to realize it is not different than any other day. That I need to still feed my body and honor my hunger. If I feed myself properly during the day, my night won't be ending early nor will I feel the need to eat everything in the pantry after drinking! Also, the disordered thoughts may even simmer down.
So, yesterday, I followed my new "normal, healthy" eating regimen. I had a good breakfast (my ritual) and then a good afternoon snack and tasty dinner. I enjoyed myself and the company and had a few drinks. All without getting either silly to quick or ravenous! Now, did I feel a bit tipsy, perhaps. Did I have a snack when I came home? Yup. But the snack was one I wanted and was the perfect mix of sweet and salty (chocolate covered peanut butter pretzel nuggets...mmm) and I enjoyed! So, I again proved to myself that being better to myself leads me to feeling better all around. Today, I have felt good and there aren't any of those disordered thoughts that used to plague me on Sundays! Steps again in the right direction.
Now, it is Sunday evening and Jeremy and I are getting ready to cook dinner and watch the football game. He is cooking himself a meal of homemade fried cheeseballs and fried chicken fingers, and is very excited! I will be cooking something different (and healthier) but I think I may just have to taste test those goodies! Happy Sunday all.
My original plans for last night fell through, which was a bummer. So instead, Jeremy and I went with my brother, Ben, to have some dinner and drinks in St. Louis. Even though it was below the temperature Jeremy likes to venture out in, we did and had a good time. Now, even though I love to go out and have cocktails, dinner and visit with friends and family it also used to ignite some stress and disordered thoughts. I used to focus on all the calories I would be drinking and limit my food during the day. If dinner was in the plan for the evening I would often eat something small or "safe", never trying something new or "too filling". Now, as you can imagine, this would often lead to me either getting QUITE intoxicated RATHER fast or at the end of the evening, when we arrived home, entering TOTAL munchie mode because I was STARVING!! Then after doing one of these things, the disordered thoughts would begin. Well, obviously, it took a long time for me to realize this really wasn't working AT ALL. I realized my eating patterns on those days (usually weekends) were setting me up to fail and it had to change. So, now when I know we are going out, I need to realize it is not different than any other day. That I need to still feed my body and honor my hunger. If I feed myself properly during the day, my night won't be ending early nor will I feel the need to eat everything in the pantry after drinking! Also, the disordered thoughts may even simmer down.
So, yesterday, I followed my new "normal, healthy" eating regimen. I had a good breakfast (my ritual) and then a good afternoon snack and tasty dinner. I enjoyed myself and the company and had a few drinks. All without getting either silly to quick or ravenous! Now, did I feel a bit tipsy, perhaps. Did I have a snack when I came home? Yup. But the snack was one I wanted and was the perfect mix of sweet and salty (chocolate covered peanut butter pretzel nuggets...mmm) and I enjoyed! So, I again proved to myself that being better to myself leads me to feeling better all around. Today, I have felt good and there aren't any of those disordered thoughts that used to plague me on Sundays! Steps again in the right direction.
Now, it is Sunday evening and Jeremy and I are getting ready to cook dinner and watch the football game. He is cooking himself a meal of homemade fried cheeseballs and fried chicken fingers, and is very excited! I will be cooking something different (and healthier) but I think I may just have to taste test those goodies! Happy Sunday all.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
All for Pizza
Tonight is pizza night in my household. My husband really likes to cook and one of his favorite things to make is pizza. He has an itch to perfect pizza making but I think it is pretty darn perfected! I could tell you stories about his stressing out about crust being done, if mine tasted good, if one pizza (because we have to cook two thanks to different pizza tastes) was cooking faster, the stories go on! While pizza night is a sort of enjoyment for him and ignites his passion for cooking all things meaty and cheesy, it can be a source of stress for me.
I do love pizza. I do love Jeremy's homemade pizza. But, at the same time in a weird way because of my disordered eating, it has stressed me out. Pizza was definitely a food that was "forbidden", at least take out or restaurant varieties were for the most part. Homemade pizza was a little better because I could control the cooking process (cheese, toppings, etc.). But, whenever I would know we were having pizza I would restrict all day so I could "have" it. Crazy, I know, all for PIZZA! Then when the time would come to eat this delicious meal (that often takes at least like two hours to construct for the 2 pizzas and bread sticks) I would be ravenous and stuff myself. I would make myself damn near miserable and in would flood the awful thoughts about my body, my eating, everything that haunts me in that respect. I would swear off pizza (again), exercise a little harder the next day, try not to freak out about what I had eaten, the thoughts like Jeremy's fussing over making it, went on and on. Again, all over pizza. But those days are behind me, and I plan to prove that to myself tonight.
Today, I have known it was pizza night for most of the day and I have not restricted. In fact, I even ate an afternoon snack (never would have been done before!). This may seem like nothing unusual to those of you without eating issues, but to me its huge. I plan to enjoy making the pizza with Jeremy and maybe even have a glass of wine while I do! Which again is a big step, because before I probably wouldn't let myself HAVE any wine. I would have restricted the wine because of extra calories or I would have filled up on wine on an empty stomach leading to lower inhibitions with the pizza. Either way dumb. But tonight, is a new night and I have a new approach to looking at the situation as dinner, not some sort of food violation like I believed before.
So tonight, I will be the sous chef , I will construct my own pizza, I may enjoy a glass of wine as the deliciousness cooks, and I will enjoy every bite of my pizza. I will (try my best to) invoke my intuitive eating skills. I will eat the amount that satisfies me , and if I eat a little more than I "should" so be it, its just pizza, not a sin. Tonight I will enjoy pizza night and the season premiere of American Idol!
I do love pizza. I do love Jeremy's homemade pizza. But, at the same time in a weird way because of my disordered eating, it has stressed me out. Pizza was definitely a food that was "forbidden", at least take out or restaurant varieties were for the most part. Homemade pizza was a little better because I could control the cooking process (cheese, toppings, etc.). But, whenever I would know we were having pizza I would restrict all day so I could "have" it. Crazy, I know, all for PIZZA! Then when the time would come to eat this delicious meal (that often takes at least like two hours to construct for the 2 pizzas and bread sticks) I would be ravenous and stuff myself. I would make myself damn near miserable and in would flood the awful thoughts about my body, my eating, everything that haunts me in that respect. I would swear off pizza (again), exercise a little harder the next day, try not to freak out about what I had eaten, the thoughts like Jeremy's fussing over making it, went on and on. Again, all over pizza. But those days are behind me, and I plan to prove that to myself tonight.
Today, I have known it was pizza night for most of the day and I have not restricted. In fact, I even ate an afternoon snack (never would have been done before!). This may seem like nothing unusual to those of you without eating issues, but to me its huge. I plan to enjoy making the pizza with Jeremy and maybe even have a glass of wine while I do! Which again is a big step, because before I probably wouldn't let myself HAVE any wine. I would have restricted the wine because of extra calories or I would have filled up on wine on an empty stomach leading to lower inhibitions with the pizza. Either way dumb. But tonight, is a new night and I have a new approach to looking at the situation as dinner, not some sort of food violation like I believed before.
So tonight, I will be the sous chef , I will construct my own pizza, I may enjoy a glass of wine as the deliciousness cooks, and I will enjoy every bite of my pizza. I will (try my best to) invoke my intuitive eating skills. I will eat the amount that satisfies me , and if I eat a little more than I "should" so be it, its just pizza, not a sin. Tonight I will enjoy pizza night and the season premiere of American Idol!
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