So, I woke up this morning still dragging a little from the busy (but fun) weekend. After exercising, showering and getting ready I put on my dress clothes for work today. I haven't worn my dressier clothes since I quit my old job because my new job has a rather comfortable dress code. Anyway, when I put the pants on they were tighter than I remembered. And this my friends, put me in a tizzy. Right back to where I didn't want to be. All the thoughts and urges to go back to my old ways came flooding back. Ugh. When I stopped in the office I was emailing with my Mom. She turned around and put me in my place.
My Mom and I are very close and I don't know what I would do without her. She is honestly one of my best friends. And today my Mom was both a best friend and a mom and got brutally honest with me. My Mom wrote me back more than one very BLUNT emails telling me to stop this constant up and down I put myself through. She gave me one helluva reality check.
Her email basically told me I have been coddled too long with this and basically I need to stop focusing so much on this body issue stuff and being so self-involved about it and focus on other things. Things such as my life, my marriage, ANYTHING else but my body. Now, while some may think this was rather harsh, mind you, she has been through this with me all the way. Although no one ever really wants to face a real reality check, I am glad she said what she said. I took it all to heart. What is funny is that (Mom pay attention as you read this) she is SO right.
After reading the emails and taking it all in, I am over it. Not the email, not the reality check. But myself. Now, I have said this before, but for some reason today it feels different. I am over fussing if I am eating the right thing at the right time, over if I am eating enough calories for the day, if there will be healthy options wherever I will be eating if going out. I am over trying to focus so much on the intuitiveness of it all, I just want to pay attention to my body. What I want and what my body is telling me I need. Which I guess is part of the intuitive eating process, in my own words. So, to do this and basically get over it all I have to do a few things.
One thing I definitely need to do to get over this is to leave this disordered eating in the past. Yes, I have struggled with it for a long time. Yes it has sucked and ruined some days. But the worst of it is behind me and it needs to stay there. I know how to be healthy, what to eat and do to be healthy. Healthy is the focus now. Another step I probably should take is to stop doing the calorie counting . Although I don't mind doing it, I believe it drags me back towards focusing too much on the food and can spawn some of the old obsessive thoughts. So, I need to cut off my membership to Myfitnesspal.com, for now anyway. I also need to focus on other things than my disordered eating here in my blog. I am over talking about it, thinking about it. It's done and over and I need to focus on new and better things in life. I want to try some new things and focus on those and other fun experiences that life has to offer. Things that have nothing to do with eating disorders. I want to focus more on actually LIVING the healthy life I want. I want to share the new things, be it recipes, classes, exercises, whatever that I want to try in my journey to achieving a healthy lifestyle.
So there it is, a reality check on a Monday. One I wasn't expecting but really did need. One that really struck a chord today and has changed my perspective on this whole issue. Mom also reminded me that Chrissy would not approve of me living the way I have lately with the fussing and such, wasting time. That is so true.
Thanks Mom for the words of wisdom, you always seem to know what I need. So, I am signing off on the disordered eating talk. I am leaving that all behind me and not letting it be a major issue for myself and my thoughts anymore. Time to move on, like Kelly Clarkson sings...(sing it with my Jer) "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger..."
Showing posts with label intuitive eating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label intuitive eating. Show all posts
Monday, March 19, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Wondering....
Fun weekend already swooshed by! This weekend we celebrated St. Patrick's Day yesterday and on Friday night Jeremy and I went to St. Louis to stay the night and have an (early) birthday dinner for me. We went to one of my favorite places, Oyster Bar! Delicious! Yesterday, I did the annual St. Patrick's Day run in downtown St. Louis with my friend Sam. While it was weirdly hot and humid for March 17th, we both finished in under 45 minutes, 44 to be exact!! We were rather proud of ourselves. Then after cleaning up and bedazzling ourselves in all things green we headed out for the parade and a day of cocktailing with friends. It was a really fun day, all in all, even though we did get a little wet when the storms rolled in late afternoon and we started going bar to bar. Today was a nice breakfast in Soulard with the husband and then a movie day at home.
Even though there was lots of fun had this weekend I also have been thinking over the past week or so about the path I am on. It does get really trying at times, and there are days I really have to stay committed but I want so bad to see it through. I am also starting a new book tonight that goes along with my nutritionists suggesting to be easier on myself. The book is called "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion". Again notice the word mindful, guess that is a theme for me this year. Anyway, it had great reviews on Amazon so I decided to check it out. It can only help me some, because I know I am hard on myself.
So, now it's onto the week ahead. I have some new responsibilities at work, so I have a feeling it could be a week of learning (and later in the week celebrating my birthday). So here is to another fabulous Spring week.
Even though there was lots of fun had this weekend I also have been thinking over the past week or so about the path I am on. It does get really trying at times, and there are days I really have to stay committed but I want so bad to see it through. I am also starting a new book tonight that goes along with my nutritionists suggesting to be easier on myself. The book is called "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion". Again notice the word mindful, guess that is a theme for me this year. Anyway, it had great reviews on Amazon so I decided to check it out. It can only help me some, because I know I am hard on myself.
So, now it's onto the week ahead. I have some new responsibilities at work, so I have a feeling it could be a week of learning (and later in the week celebrating my birthday). So here is to another fabulous Spring week.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Getting a Little Easier
Monday again, but I can handle this kind of Monday when its as gorgeous as it was here today! Springtime is here I believe and I love it! Makes it really feel like baseball season is around the corner, and it pretty much is. Thank goodness! After a fabulous, low key weekend involving getting my hair done (THANK you Karlee!), window shopping and having lunch with my family I was rested and feeling good.
I am also beginning to see that this all isn't that hard. I just need to not take it so seriously and be so hard on myself. Like my nutritionist recommended. I mean don't get me wrong it is hard but relaxing about it does make it easier! I also started tracking my food online at myfitnesspal.com which helps as well (thanks again Karlee for the recommendation!). Some would think the tracking would maybe send me back into some of my old traps and habits. But really, now, its kind of the opposite. I see exactly what I am putting in my body, how I am treating it. And sometimes it encourages me to do better, and that sometimes means feeding it more and better. It really is helping me for now and I like it.
So, after a month or so long snit over all this I am feeling a lot more confident and less stressed about it. Finally. Nice to be here. Also nice to see some of my pants that didn't fit quite the way I wanted when I started this feeling a bit better. Always a bonus and right on par with what my nutritionist said, slow and steady. I guess this patience thing takes some learning, but beginning to feel so worth it!
I am also beginning to see that this all isn't that hard. I just need to not take it so seriously and be so hard on myself. Like my nutritionist recommended. I mean don't get me wrong it is hard but relaxing about it does make it easier! I also started tracking my food online at myfitnesspal.com which helps as well (thanks again Karlee for the recommendation!). Some would think the tracking would maybe send me back into some of my old traps and habits. But really, now, its kind of the opposite. I see exactly what I am putting in my body, how I am treating it. And sometimes it encourages me to do better, and that sometimes means feeding it more and better. It really is helping me for now and I like it.
So, after a month or so long snit over all this I am feeling a lot more confident and less stressed about it. Finally. Nice to be here. Also nice to see some of my pants that didn't fit quite the way I wanted when I started this feeling a bit better. Always a bonus and right on par with what my nutritionist said, slow and steady. I guess this patience thing takes some learning, but beginning to feel so worth it!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
My Own Problem? My Own Solution?
I found this quote today on another blog, it says "You are your own problem and you are your own solution." Now, this SPOKE to me for a number of reasons.
First, I had my Skype session with my nutritionist (finally!) the other night. It is always good to get both a professional's and outsider'ss opinion on things. She did make me feel better by telling me that I am really grasping some of the concepts of intuitive eating. She also told me that I am too hard on myself. (DUH!) I always have been tough on myself, not sure why. I can only assume it is one of the qualities of being a perfectionist, fabulous! Anyway, basically being too hard on myself will only slow progress in this path to intuitive eating. Ding ding...there I am being my own problem.
Second, again in the session, as we were chatting she was kind of making me think of WHY I sometimes get so anxious around food or in certain situations involving food. A light bulb went off. I tend to "take on" other people's emotions or I worry about if others around me are having a good time. I don't worry or pay attention to myself. Therefore, I am not self-aware and cannot really engage in intuitive eating. I figured this out by explaining a story from the weekend when Jeremy had been rather grumpy and I just assumed it was something I did (again, taking responsibility for nothing!) and that put me in a funk and unfortunately led to me kind of falling off my intuitive eating wagon. Again, being my own problem.
Third, as I was just pondering all of these light bulb moments that were arising this morning. I also thought about another issue. I never really SLOW down per say. I am always up and moving from one thing or another, especially in the evenings when I get home from work. Or, as Jeremy will tell you, when I try to watch a movie! Anyway, in this rush to get things done for the next day, or house chores done, I also rush my meals or decisions about what to have. Again, by doing so I cannot engage in intuitive eating. I can't really listen to my body, what it wants, what it needs, when I am full. Ding ding ding Jen...being your own problem again!
So, as I realize that I am my own problem in a number of instances here, I can also, as the quote says, become my own solution. See, I think with this intuitive eating process I believed it would just all come to me at once and be easy. Oops, WRONG! I realized this before my session with my nutritionist started. I guess it is because before I have always taken the "easy" and rather unhealthy route when it came to food, I just restricted and ignored my body. This is the complete polar opposite of what I am doing now! So this is all way out of my comfort zone and a change!! But, it is also the SOLUTION to what I have been struggling with for so long.
How am I going to be my own solution to some of the problems I make for myself? Well, this is how. First, I need to SLOW down. Now, this will take quite a bit of effort as I am Type A and that won't change. But I need to realize that life will still happen, it doesn't all have to be done at once. I also need to incorporate the idea of intuitive eating, that food will be there regardless, don't have to rush meals. Take time. Savor. I may also try a yoga class or DVD once a week. And really make an effort to do so, as I have made this promise to myself before and obviously gotten nowhere. Another thing I can do to solve my problems above is realize that more often than NOT other people's moods and emotions have nothing to do with me. That the ONLY person I am responsible for is myself. That I am in charge of my own happiness and moods and that's it. I am not responsible for others. OF course I will still be happy and pleasant and aid in promotion of good moods, but I can't change the way people think or feel. LIGHT BULB!!!
I believe this what one calls progress and I am feeling good about it. Finally, after a month or so of struggling. So, here's to everyone being their own solution!
First, I had my Skype session with my nutritionist (finally!) the other night. It is always good to get both a professional's and outsider'ss opinion on things. She did make me feel better by telling me that I am really grasping some of the concepts of intuitive eating. She also told me that I am too hard on myself. (DUH!) I always have been tough on myself, not sure why. I can only assume it is one of the qualities of being a perfectionist, fabulous! Anyway, basically being too hard on myself will only slow progress in this path to intuitive eating. Ding ding...there I am being my own problem.
Second, again in the session, as we were chatting she was kind of making me think of WHY I sometimes get so anxious around food or in certain situations involving food. A light bulb went off. I tend to "take on" other people's emotions or I worry about if others around me are having a good time. I don't worry or pay attention to myself. Therefore, I am not self-aware and cannot really engage in intuitive eating. I figured this out by explaining a story from the weekend when Jeremy had been rather grumpy and I just assumed it was something I did (again, taking responsibility for nothing!) and that put me in a funk and unfortunately led to me kind of falling off my intuitive eating wagon. Again, being my own problem.
Third, as I was just pondering all of these light bulb moments that were arising this morning. I also thought about another issue. I never really SLOW down per say. I am always up and moving from one thing or another, especially in the evenings when I get home from work. Or, as Jeremy will tell you, when I try to watch a movie! Anyway, in this rush to get things done for the next day, or house chores done, I also rush my meals or decisions about what to have. Again, by doing so I cannot engage in intuitive eating. I can't really listen to my body, what it wants, what it needs, when I am full. Ding ding ding Jen...being your own problem again!
So, as I realize that I am my own problem in a number of instances here, I can also, as the quote says, become my own solution. See, I think with this intuitive eating process I believed it would just all come to me at once and be easy. Oops, WRONG! I realized this before my session with my nutritionist started. I guess it is because before I have always taken the "easy" and rather unhealthy route when it came to food, I just restricted and ignored my body. This is the complete polar opposite of what I am doing now! So this is all way out of my comfort zone and a change!! But, it is also the SOLUTION to what I have been struggling with for so long.
How am I going to be my own solution to some of the problems I make for myself? Well, this is how. First, I need to SLOW down. Now, this will take quite a bit of effort as I am Type A and that won't change. But I need to realize that life will still happen, it doesn't all have to be done at once. I also need to incorporate the idea of intuitive eating, that food will be there regardless, don't have to rush meals. Take time. Savor. I may also try a yoga class or DVD once a week. And really make an effort to do so, as I have made this promise to myself before and obviously gotten nowhere. Another thing I can do to solve my problems above is realize that more often than NOT other people's moods and emotions have nothing to do with me. That the ONLY person I am responsible for is myself. That I am in charge of my own happiness and moods and that's it. I am not responsible for others. OF course I will still be happy and pleasant and aid in promotion of good moods, but I can't change the way people think or feel. LIGHT BULB!!!
I believe this what one calls progress and I am feeling good about it. Finally, after a month or so of struggling. So, here's to everyone being their own solution!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Packing Up and Heading Out
It's Friday and the Dunham's are heading to Bloomington. We are going up this weekend to visit the in-laws, split up our Cardinals season tickets (yay!!) and hang out with one of Jeremy's college buddies from Chicago, Miles. I am really looking forward to it. I have been itching to get out of town (and not just to STL) for awhile now and hoping this will scratch that itch some. Not to mention I get to relax in the hot tub with a big glass of wine!
I didn't meet with my nutritionist last night due to the fact that I was busy packing and the fact that Jeremy deleted everything from the computer and I have to reload Skype to have the meeting. But I am kind of glad the meeting was postponed. Why is that? Well, I have mentioned before that sometimes going to Bloomington causes me some stress where food and meals are concerned. Last time we visited, I went in strong willed and ready to be intuitive about all things food related, but I had a bit of a set back. Looking back I think the set back was good for me. This made me see where I don't want to be, how I don't want to feel and gives me motivation this time around NOT to go back there. It's not fun. Both the physical and psychological feelings are rather unpleasant. So, this time around I do feel a little stronger. I know I may have a set back and that's ok. I want to see how this weekend goes and then delve into it all with my nutritionist on Tuesday when we meet. I want to be able to give her a good report but, if I I have a setback we can go over why it happened and how not to keep going back to that point. Hopefully though I have mostly good things to report.
I am beginning to feel a little stronger with both the eating and the distorted thoughts. I am not sure why but just seems like I am beginning to get it more, its beginning to click. Really doing what I said I would and learning to not stress so much about it all and take the advice that is tattooed on my body, Breathe, really is beginning to work. Funny, I fight some of these ideas for so long but when I give in, they (AHA!) work. Guess I am a little stubborn like my father after all.
So, with my stronger attitude and itch to bust out of here I am ready to head north to Bloomington. Ready to find out what Cardinals games we get to go to this season and also ready to see what downtown Bloomington has in store for the Dunham Duo and Miles tomorrow evening! Hope everyone has a great weekend!! Cheers!!
I didn't meet with my nutritionist last night due to the fact that I was busy packing and the fact that Jeremy deleted everything from the computer and I have to reload Skype to have the meeting. But I am kind of glad the meeting was postponed. Why is that? Well, I have mentioned before that sometimes going to Bloomington causes me some stress where food and meals are concerned. Last time we visited, I went in strong willed and ready to be intuitive about all things food related, but I had a bit of a set back. Looking back I think the set back was good for me. This made me see where I don't want to be, how I don't want to feel and gives me motivation this time around NOT to go back there. It's not fun. Both the physical and psychological feelings are rather unpleasant. So, this time around I do feel a little stronger. I know I may have a set back and that's ok. I want to see how this weekend goes and then delve into it all with my nutritionist on Tuesday when we meet. I want to be able to give her a good report but, if I I have a setback we can go over why it happened and how not to keep going back to that point. Hopefully though I have mostly good things to report.
I am beginning to feel a little stronger with both the eating and the distorted thoughts. I am not sure why but just seems like I am beginning to get it more, its beginning to click. Really doing what I said I would and learning to not stress so much about it all and take the advice that is tattooed on my body, Breathe, really is beginning to work. Funny, I fight some of these ideas for so long but when I give in, they (AHA!) work. Guess I am a little stubborn like my father after all.
So, with my stronger attitude and itch to bust out of here I am ready to head north to Bloomington. Ready to find out what Cardinals games we get to go to this season and also ready to see what downtown Bloomington has in store for the Dunham Duo and Miles tomorrow evening! Hope everyone has a great weekend!! Cheers!!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Just Another Manic Monday!
I heard this song and all I could think was I hope that isn't how my Monday ends up. But, regardless of what I wished it did turn into a little bit of a manic Monday for this chick. But the good part is at least it is pretty much over! First, a recap of a weekend before I get to the nitty gritty!!
Weekend was a good time! Friday night we went and visited some great friends , Katie, Mike and their son Brady, at their new house WAY over in Missouri. It really wasn't far at all but I teased her about it some because her family did as well. Katie and I have been friends since we were in first grade, it is so surreal sometimes to be visiting now with husbands, kids and new houses. But, it is so fun and always great to see them. Saturday night we had a fundraiser for Jeremy's boss to attend. We went to dinner before the fundraiser with some old and new friends which was fun. We had cocktails and more fun at the fundraiser. I had some good girl talk with a good friend , Sam, who was so supportive and kind in everything she said. She told me she still reads my blog and just encouraged me which meant so much!Hopefully we can encourage each other as much when we run our half marathon in April! Sunday was a much needed veg day. Love those sometimes. Yes, even me, Ms. Non-Stop!!
As the weekend wrapped, it was on to this manic Monday. I have to be honest I am really struggling with the intuitive eating and body image thing at the moment. Part of me wants to blame it on "girl time" and part of me thinks maybe it is just a low. I know I am due for a tune up with my nutritionist and have scheduled one for late next week. I am struggling because I feel like my body is not changing at all through my better diet and my hard work. That it is instead revolting a bit or not responding at all. Although I have been reassured I am doing well, it is getting very difficult for me to believe it. Very hard to keep trusting this. Very hard to NOT fall into old habits, the quick fix. But I have calmed some and have vowed to not fall into the old habits. I know those aren't healthy and will not work long term. I believe realizing this is a good step. The staying focused and believing in myself is what I am struggling with most. I told my nutritionist that I know what the intuitive eating phases are and I understand them to a point but I know a part of me is not fully accepting them. She assured me that could in fact be the case and often is because it is scary to fully embrace these concepts. However, I realize that I need to quit being scared and embrace this. So far this process has been scary and eye opening at points, why still be scared? So to take steps in the direction of fully embracing all the concepts, I am re-reading the book I have and taking new notes. Trying to stay positive. I can't lie this is all hard. Very hard.
On top of the body issues I had going on in my head today, I also had a rather tough afternoon at work. Again, girl time helps nothing, but just had one of those Mondays I couldn't wait to end. And it did. I do tend to fuss some and worry when I have a tough day like today but my wise Mother did remind me to just breathe and let it go. One would think I would finally grasp this concept as it IS tattooed on my wrist. Baby steps. But Mom would be glad to know that why I did still fuss and worry, I did also sit back on the couch and relax some. Blogging is part of that relaxation for me.
So, now it is on to Tuesday which is hopefully less manic than Monday. On to re-educating myself on intuitive eating and staying strong through this process. To not let me get me is the goal of not only the week but the goal of this whole profess.
Weekend was a good time! Friday night we went and visited some great friends , Katie, Mike and their son Brady, at their new house WAY over in Missouri. It really wasn't far at all but I teased her about it some because her family did as well. Katie and I have been friends since we were in first grade, it is so surreal sometimes to be visiting now with husbands, kids and new houses. But, it is so fun and always great to see them. Saturday night we had a fundraiser for Jeremy's boss to attend. We went to dinner before the fundraiser with some old and new friends which was fun. We had cocktails and more fun at the fundraiser. I had some good girl talk with a good friend , Sam, who was so supportive and kind in everything she said. She told me she still reads my blog and just encouraged me which meant so much!Hopefully we can encourage each other as much when we run our half marathon in April! Sunday was a much needed veg day. Love those sometimes. Yes, even me, Ms. Non-Stop!!
As the weekend wrapped, it was on to this manic Monday. I have to be honest I am really struggling with the intuitive eating and body image thing at the moment. Part of me wants to blame it on "girl time" and part of me thinks maybe it is just a low. I know I am due for a tune up with my nutritionist and have scheduled one for late next week. I am struggling because I feel like my body is not changing at all through my better diet and my hard work. That it is instead revolting a bit or not responding at all. Although I have been reassured I am doing well, it is getting very difficult for me to believe it. Very hard to keep trusting this. Very hard to NOT fall into old habits, the quick fix. But I have calmed some and have vowed to not fall into the old habits. I know those aren't healthy and will not work long term. I believe realizing this is a good step. The staying focused and believing in myself is what I am struggling with most. I told my nutritionist that I know what the intuitive eating phases are and I understand them to a point but I know a part of me is not fully accepting them. She assured me that could in fact be the case and often is because it is scary to fully embrace these concepts. However, I realize that I need to quit being scared and embrace this. So far this process has been scary and eye opening at points, why still be scared? So to take steps in the direction of fully embracing all the concepts, I am re-reading the book I have and taking new notes. Trying to stay positive. I can't lie this is all hard. Very hard.
On top of the body issues I had going on in my head today, I also had a rather tough afternoon at work. Again, girl time helps nothing, but just had one of those Mondays I couldn't wait to end. And it did. I do tend to fuss some and worry when I have a tough day like today but my wise Mother did remind me to just breathe and let it go. One would think I would finally grasp this concept as it IS tattooed on my wrist. Baby steps. But Mom would be glad to know that why I did still fuss and worry, I did also sit back on the couch and relax some. Blogging is part of that relaxation for me.
So, now it is on to Tuesday which is hopefully less manic than Monday. On to re-educating myself on intuitive eating and staying strong through this process. To not let me get me is the goal of not only the week but the goal of this whole profess.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Calories In, Calories Out
So, I finally put it down on paper today. I wrote it out so I could see it. I calculated my caloric needs per day. Turns out, no surprise here and as my nutritionist warned, I am well under where I need to be calorically. According to these calculations, with my activity level and age , to maintain my weight I need about 2,300 calories a day. Yes, 2,300. Whoa. Needless to say I am not eating 2,300 calories a day. So, while I don't need to hit this number exactly I do need to increase my caloric intake. By eating more, both my therapist and nutritionist have assured me before and again now, I won't gain weight. Rather, I will gain muscle and likely even lose a little weight. Not that that is a goal for me, but not going to lie, it's a perk for every gal.
Although I have taken some huge strides forward, I do still hold onto a few fears, I can't lie. I do still fear eating TOO much and clearly my calculations on my calories in are off. So, today's calculations help to lift my fear some. The encouragement of my therapist and nutritionist help a bunch as well. But, most of all, my desire to be healthier, get stronger (not just skinny) and to be comfortable around and with food drives me to put my mind to it and just do it. Not to sound like a Nike commercial. But, anyone that knows me knows that I am a tad bit stubborn, and I plan to use that stubbornness to my advantage in this situation. To not give up, to keep forging on. To be the healthiest Jen I can be!
Although I have taken some huge strides forward, I do still hold onto a few fears, I can't lie. I do still fear eating TOO much and clearly my calculations on my calories in are off. So, today's calculations help to lift my fear some. The encouragement of my therapist and nutritionist help a bunch as well. But, most of all, my desire to be healthier, get stronger (not just skinny) and to be comfortable around and with food drives me to put my mind to it and just do it. Not to sound like a Nike commercial. But, anyone that knows me knows that I am a tad bit stubborn, and I plan to use that stubbornness to my advantage in this situation. To not give up, to keep forging on. To be the healthiest Jen I can be!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Great News! Great Dinner!
The Dunham's got some EXCELLENT news today! Today we found out that my father in law is CANCER free!! He had been diagnosed with prostate cancer last May, had surgery in July and has been recovering since. The last PSA test (the test that indicated if cancer is present) was really low, but today it was ZERO!! This is absolutely fantastic news!!
To celebrate this good news, and the fact that it is American Idol night, it was pizza night in the Dunham household tonight. I didn't mention in my last post about our pizza nights here that Jeremy makes all the crust and bread sticks from scratch, and let me tell you AMAZEBALLS!! Tonight we made my pizza a little differently and grilled the crust up first then topped it with all my veggie deliciousness!! I even added some new toppings tonight, roasted garlic and spinach along with the usual veggies and some light sprinkling of cheese. I even tried some red pepper flakes!It was SO good. It was cracker thin crust and hit the spot!! I ate all but one piece of what we named the "Squirt" pizza. The pups and Jeremy enjoyed the last piece. I can't wait to have this again and add even more new toppings or maybe a new cheese! It is so nice to enjoy a dinner experience and ignore or disregard negative thoughts. In fact tonight, there were none. Another step in the right direction I believe.
Now after this day of fabulous news and a delicious dinner we are relaxing on the couch watching the Idol contestants try to make it through Hollywood week. Hope everyone is having a fabulous Wednesday as well.
To celebrate this good news, and the fact that it is American Idol night, it was pizza night in the Dunham household tonight. I didn't mention in my last post about our pizza nights here that Jeremy makes all the crust and bread sticks from scratch, and let me tell you AMAZEBALLS!! Tonight we made my pizza a little differently and grilled the crust up first then topped it with all my veggie deliciousness!! I even added some new toppings tonight, roasted garlic and spinach along with the usual veggies and some light sprinkling of cheese. I even tried some red pepper flakes!It was SO good. It was cracker thin crust and hit the spot!! I ate all but one piece of what we named the "Squirt" pizza. The pups and Jeremy enjoyed the last piece. I can't wait to have this again and add even more new toppings or maybe a new cheese! It is so nice to enjoy a dinner experience and ignore or disregard negative thoughts. In fact tonight, there were none. Another step in the right direction I believe.
Now after this day of fabulous news and a delicious dinner we are relaxing on the couch watching the Idol contestants try to make it through Hollywood week. Hope everyone is having a fabulous Wednesday as well.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Opposites Attract
Like Paula Abdul once sang, "Opposites attract". As far as the eating habits of Dunham and I this couldn't be more true! I have mentioned before on my blog that Jeremy doesn't necessarily share an intrest in healthy eating and cooking like I do. Well, that was made all the more apparent tonight. I came home from a tough workout with Susie. He cooked me a chicken breast and I made a big spinach salad with lots of goodies like beans, a little avacado, a little cheese, veggies and topped with a salsa ranch dressing I made. It was quite tasty and filling. Now, Dunham on the other hand. He made himself a 3/4 pound cheeseburger with onion and American cheese. And for his side dish he tested out his trusty new deep fryer and made some french fries and cheese balls. Yes, cheeseballs at home! He was in burger and fried food heaven. I have to say I tried a couple fries and he did pretty good! The dinner experience tonight made me giggle and think.
Yes, I am focused on healthy eating and heating and fitness in general. I like this lifestyle I am building for myself. However, I have to say sometimes I wish I was more like Jeremy. Someone who could just kind of give into what they really want to have for a night, screw calories. Don't get me wrong, I have done this, often with a few cocktails in me, but there are times when in the middle of the week I want to throw caution to the wind . But I never do. Now I know it wouldn't kill me or make me blow up like a hot air balloon. I realize this now, believe me before I would have agonized. I can't honestly say if I did give in that I would not have any negative thoughts, because they are still there. What I can honestly say is that I know I can eat my "forbidden foods" if I want them, but truthfully now that I am eating healthier and more balanced, realizing how I will feel after eating those foods stops me. Thinking about how I will feel makes me rethink the idea or recreate it in a healthier recipe. This my friends, is part of the intuitive eating process that I am beginning to understand. That I am allowed to eat that food but that sometimes realizing how it makes me feel overall plays a role in the decision to eat that food. I think my nutritionist would be proud.
So, I am pretty glad Dunham made his ginormous fried food and burger feast, it made me understand more about this intuitive eating process I am going through. I know he is glad too by the cheesy burger eating grin on his face!
Yes, I am focused on healthy eating and heating and fitness in general. I like this lifestyle I am building for myself. However, I have to say sometimes I wish I was more like Jeremy. Someone who could just kind of give into what they really want to have for a night, screw calories. Don't get me wrong, I have done this, often with a few cocktails in me, but there are times when in the middle of the week I want to throw caution to the wind . But I never do. Now I know it wouldn't kill me or make me blow up like a hot air balloon. I realize this now, believe me before I would have agonized. I can't honestly say if I did give in that I would not have any negative thoughts, because they are still there. What I can honestly say is that I know I can eat my "forbidden foods" if I want them, but truthfully now that I am eating healthier and more balanced, realizing how I will feel after eating those foods stops me. Thinking about how I will feel makes me rethink the idea or recreate it in a healthier recipe. This my friends, is part of the intuitive eating process that I am beginning to understand. That I am allowed to eat that food but that sometimes realizing how it makes me feel overall plays a role in the decision to eat that food. I think my nutritionist would be proud.
So, I am pretty glad Dunham made his ginormous fried food and burger feast, it made me understand more about this intuitive eating process I am going through. I know he is glad too by the cheesy burger eating grin on his face!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Piece of (carrot) Cake
One of the principles of mindful eating is "If you don't love it, don't eat it, and if you love it, savor it." Today, I applied this principle to my life and I am rather pleased with myself! Today a birthday of someone at the office. So, in celebration of her birthday, there was a GIANT carrot cake in the kitchen all day. I saw it this morning as I was grabbing some coffee, and was offered some but passed at that point. But I knew I wanted a bit, at least a taste. So, when lunch rolled around, I cut myself a little piece to try at the end of my lunch. This in itself was a big step. Before, I would have PASSED completely and thought about trying the damn cake all day long.
So, I ate my normal healthy lunch and then it was cake time. I took out my spoon and dug in. The first bite tasted just ok. By the third bite I realized it really didn't taste NEAR as good as I had it built up in my head. So, with that I applied the principle " if I don't love it don't eat it" and with that I threw the rest away. BAM!! Mindful eating and really wasn't all that hard at ALL!
I emailed my nutritionist who was really proud of me. Both for having a little dessert at lunch and second for the mindful part of it all. Positive reinforcement. LOVE.
So, far this week I feel I have taken a lot of steps in the right direction, with healthy eating, trying new recipes and mindful eating. I am now ready for a fun weekend. No plans really made yet, but after the stressful week we have had here with the job changes, I am sure some fun (and cocktails) will be had! But tonight, the pups and I are just going to relax on the couch and watch the new episode of Jersey Shore! Happy Jersday all!
So, I ate my normal healthy lunch and then it was cake time. I took out my spoon and dug in. The first bite tasted just ok. By the third bite I realized it really didn't taste NEAR as good as I had it built up in my head. So, with that I applied the principle " if I don't love it don't eat it" and with that I threw the rest away. BAM!! Mindful eating and really wasn't all that hard at ALL!
I emailed my nutritionist who was really proud of me. Both for having a little dessert at lunch and second for the mindful part of it all. Positive reinforcement. LOVE.
So, far this week I feel I have taken a lot of steps in the right direction, with healthy eating, trying new recipes and mindful eating. I am now ready for a fun weekend. No plans really made yet, but after the stressful week we have had here with the job changes, I am sure some fun (and cocktails) will be had! But tonight, the pups and I are just going to relax on the couch and watch the new episode of Jersey Shore! Happy Jersday all!
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| Chillaxin' together |
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Progress!!
I have always wanted washboard abs, well at least a toned abdominal area. It has always been the one area on my body that I just could never tone like I wanted. Well, tonight I got told my abs are looking good by my trainer! ME! I have the start of some tone in my midsection! I am pretty much on Cloud Nine over it. Jeremy didn't quite get my excitement on the issue, but any woman would I am sure. I could tell before tonight I was making progress in my training with Susie, but tonight her telling me that really helped solidify that I am on the right track.
Tonight we also looked over my food diary.She told me that in her opinion,I am doing really well with my eating. Again, this made me so happy! I am not restricting and then eating everything in sight. I am eating healthy, normal. I am having treats and balancing it with good food. I don't want to toot my own horn, but toot toot. I have come so far from where I was. I am losing the fear I had with food. I am realizing and learning that feeding my body properly is the key. I am finally getting it, and yes, Mom, you were right.
Another quick snippet from my training session tonight, it was eventful I guess looking back! There was another woman there tonight training with the other trainer. She had a lovely British accent that I loved listening to. Anyway, I heard her talking to her trainer when I walked away asking why I was there training because I was thin. I knew what my response to her would be if I wanted to bother. I would tell her I was there to gain muscle, to increase my strength, to get healthier, if I said anything at all, which I wasn't planning on. But leave it to my trainer, Susie, she stepped right up and told her that thin doesn't always mean healthy. And that is so right, definitely with me. I mean I wasn't horribly unhealthy, but I wasn't near as healthy as I could be. Which is why I started this journey. Which is why in part I was there training tonight. Finally, I am making good progress towards a healthy, balanced life, finally.
So, needless to say I am feeling pretty stoked about my progress and am pretty excited to keep going and see what else is in the cards! I am finally realizing it really is about progress not perfection.
One more thing I wanted to share from tonight is pictures from dinner. Jeremy and I generally make separate meals, as our tastes vary quite differently. I have mentioned before that God love him, but Jeremy isn't quite interested in health the way I am, the following picture from dinner will prove my point:
They always say opposites attract......
Tonight we also looked over my food diary.She told me that in her opinion,I am doing really well with my eating. Again, this made me so happy! I am not restricting and then eating everything in sight. I am eating healthy, normal. I am having treats and balancing it with good food. I don't want to toot my own horn, but toot toot. I have come so far from where I was. I am losing the fear I had with food. I am realizing and learning that feeding my body properly is the key. I am finally getting it, and yes, Mom, you were right.
Another quick snippet from my training session tonight, it was eventful I guess looking back! There was another woman there tonight training with the other trainer. She had a lovely British accent that I loved listening to. Anyway, I heard her talking to her trainer when I walked away asking why I was there training because I was thin. I knew what my response to her would be if I wanted to bother. I would tell her I was there to gain muscle, to increase my strength, to get healthier, if I said anything at all, which I wasn't planning on. But leave it to my trainer, Susie, she stepped right up and told her that thin doesn't always mean healthy. And that is so right, definitely with me. I mean I wasn't horribly unhealthy, but I wasn't near as healthy as I could be. Which is why I started this journey. Which is why in part I was there training tonight. Finally, I am making good progress towards a healthy, balanced life, finally.
So, needless to say I am feeling pretty stoked about my progress and am pretty excited to keep going and see what else is in the cards! I am finally realizing it really is about progress not perfection.
One more thing I wanted to share from tonight is pictures from dinner. Jeremy and I generally make separate meals, as our tastes vary quite differently. I have mentioned before that God love him, but Jeremy isn't quite interested in health the way I am, the following picture from dinner will prove my point:
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| My dinner- quinoa, steamed veggies and salmon! Delicious! |
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| Jeremy's dinner- a GIANT cheeseburger, french fries cooked in his beloved Fry Daddy and Golden Light Beer- The All-American dinner, a favorite of Mr. Dunham! |
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Sunday Funday
Today was Sunday Funday for the Dunham household. The kind that so far hasn't involved any alcoholic beverages for me! But it was a productive and fun day for us. We took the pups on a tour of the area! We hit up Petco, Lowe's, my mom and dad's house and Wal-Mart. We got the pups some treats at Petco, figured out at Mom and Dad's where we are staying in Gulf Shores in September (can't wait!), and got groceries at Wal-Mart. All pretty productive for a gloomy Sunday.
My original plans for last night fell through, which was a bummer. So instead, Jeremy and I went with my brother, Ben, to have some dinner and drinks in St. Louis. Even though it was below the temperature Jeremy likes to venture out in, we did and had a good time. Now, even though I love to go out and have cocktails, dinner and visit with friends and family it also used to ignite some stress and disordered thoughts. I used to focus on all the calories I would be drinking and limit my food during the day. If dinner was in the plan for the evening I would often eat something small or "safe", never trying something new or "too filling". Now, as you can imagine, this would often lead to me either getting QUITE intoxicated RATHER fast or at the end of the evening, when we arrived home, entering TOTAL munchie mode because I was STARVING!! Then after doing one of these things, the disordered thoughts would begin. Well, obviously, it took a long time for me to realize this really wasn't working AT ALL. I realized my eating patterns on those days (usually weekends) were setting me up to fail and it had to change. So, now when I know we are going out, I need to realize it is not different than any other day. That I need to still feed my body and honor my hunger. If I feed myself properly during the day, my night won't be ending early nor will I feel the need to eat everything in the pantry after drinking! Also, the disordered thoughts may even simmer down.
So, yesterday, I followed my new "normal, healthy" eating regimen. I had a good breakfast (my ritual) and then a good afternoon snack and tasty dinner. I enjoyed myself and the company and had a few drinks. All without getting either silly to quick or ravenous! Now, did I feel a bit tipsy, perhaps. Did I have a snack when I came home? Yup. But the snack was one I wanted and was the perfect mix of sweet and salty (chocolate covered peanut butter pretzel nuggets...mmm) and I enjoyed! So, I again proved to myself that being better to myself leads me to feeling better all around. Today, I have felt good and there aren't any of those disordered thoughts that used to plague me on Sundays! Steps again in the right direction.
Now, it is Sunday evening and Jeremy and I are getting ready to cook dinner and watch the football game. He is cooking himself a meal of homemade fried cheeseballs and fried chicken fingers, and is very excited! I will be cooking something different (and healthier) but I think I may just have to taste test those goodies! Happy Sunday all.
My original plans for last night fell through, which was a bummer. So instead, Jeremy and I went with my brother, Ben, to have some dinner and drinks in St. Louis. Even though it was below the temperature Jeremy likes to venture out in, we did and had a good time. Now, even though I love to go out and have cocktails, dinner and visit with friends and family it also used to ignite some stress and disordered thoughts. I used to focus on all the calories I would be drinking and limit my food during the day. If dinner was in the plan for the evening I would often eat something small or "safe", never trying something new or "too filling". Now, as you can imagine, this would often lead to me either getting QUITE intoxicated RATHER fast or at the end of the evening, when we arrived home, entering TOTAL munchie mode because I was STARVING!! Then after doing one of these things, the disordered thoughts would begin. Well, obviously, it took a long time for me to realize this really wasn't working AT ALL. I realized my eating patterns on those days (usually weekends) were setting me up to fail and it had to change. So, now when I know we are going out, I need to realize it is not different than any other day. That I need to still feed my body and honor my hunger. If I feed myself properly during the day, my night won't be ending early nor will I feel the need to eat everything in the pantry after drinking! Also, the disordered thoughts may even simmer down.
So, yesterday, I followed my new "normal, healthy" eating regimen. I had a good breakfast (my ritual) and then a good afternoon snack and tasty dinner. I enjoyed myself and the company and had a few drinks. All without getting either silly to quick or ravenous! Now, did I feel a bit tipsy, perhaps. Did I have a snack when I came home? Yup. But the snack was one I wanted and was the perfect mix of sweet and salty (chocolate covered peanut butter pretzel nuggets...mmm) and I enjoyed! So, I again proved to myself that being better to myself leads me to feeling better all around. Today, I have felt good and there aren't any of those disordered thoughts that used to plague me on Sundays! Steps again in the right direction.
Now, it is Sunday evening and Jeremy and I are getting ready to cook dinner and watch the football game. He is cooking himself a meal of homemade fried cheeseballs and fried chicken fingers, and is very excited! I will be cooking something different (and healthier) but I think I may just have to taste test those goodies! Happy Sunday all.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
A Success and a Step in the Right Direction
Well, pizza night was a success last night in the Dunham household for both me (with consumption) and Jeremy (with cooking). He was so proud. He wanted to be sure I posted the pictures of the pizzas on here today. I am sure you will be able to note which is mine (veggie) and which is his (LOADED meat). Here they are:
Look delicious right? They WERE! And I enjoyed every bite! I practiced my intuitive eating skills and ate until I was satisfied, full and comfortable. No uncomfortable fullness afterwards for me, the same may not be able to be said about my husband (he LOVES his pizza). But I was very proud of myself. This was definitely a big step in the right direction, I would like to think I made my nutritionist proud. Also, I had NONE of the negative thoughts, either last night or this morning, that I often had in the past with dinners like this. Again, another step to be proud of!
After indulging in this delicious pizza, we sat down to watch American Idol. I became semi-disinterested fast. Well, except for watching the video my mother in law sent of her doing the dance one of the contestants did! So, I picked up my "Operation Beautiful" book and read a bit more. The idea last night that stuck out with me was the statement that "our body image reflects much more than our appearance, it reflects how we feel about our lives in general" (p.68). When I read this it stuck with me. I have struggled with this disordered eating and bad body image for about 5-6 years now. Well, with the exception of the last 6 months I had a job that I wasn't completely satisfied with, especially towards the end. I had always wondered if my unhappiness with my job played a roll, and it is pretty darn clear it did. I left that job in July, thank GOODNESS! And today, yes, I am still struggling with this to some degree, but I am turning it around for real this time. Not the half-hearted attempts I made in the past when I had my previous job. I can already tell a difference in myself (and my mom says she sees a change too). My motivation is MUCH higher than in the past to really get well. To learn to LOVE myself, ACCEPT myself, BE STRONG, BE CONFIDENT, to LIVE my life and quit fussing over these insignificant matters. So, needless to say this struck a chord with me and stoked the fire for change a little bit more! Turns out, although change is scary, the changes I am making in both the past year (job) and at the moment are the best for me. Funny, I was so scared of it.
Look delicious right? They WERE! And I enjoyed every bite! I practiced my intuitive eating skills and ate until I was satisfied, full and comfortable. No uncomfortable fullness afterwards for me, the same may not be able to be said about my husband (he LOVES his pizza). But I was very proud of myself. This was definitely a big step in the right direction, I would like to think I made my nutritionist proud. Also, I had NONE of the negative thoughts, either last night or this morning, that I often had in the past with dinners like this. Again, another step to be proud of!
After indulging in this delicious pizza, we sat down to watch American Idol. I became semi-disinterested fast. Well, except for watching the video my mother in law sent of her doing the dance one of the contestants did! So, I picked up my "Operation Beautiful" book and read a bit more. The idea last night that stuck out with me was the statement that "our body image reflects much more than our appearance, it reflects how we feel about our lives in general" (p.68). When I read this it stuck with me. I have struggled with this disordered eating and bad body image for about 5-6 years now. Well, with the exception of the last 6 months I had a job that I wasn't completely satisfied with, especially towards the end. I had always wondered if my unhappiness with my job played a roll, and it is pretty darn clear it did. I left that job in July, thank GOODNESS! And today, yes, I am still struggling with this to some degree, but I am turning it around for real this time. Not the half-hearted attempts I made in the past when I had my previous job. I can already tell a difference in myself (and my mom says she sees a change too). My motivation is MUCH higher than in the past to really get well. To learn to LOVE myself, ACCEPT myself, BE STRONG, BE CONFIDENT, to LIVE my life and quit fussing over these insignificant matters. So, needless to say this struck a chord with me and stoked the fire for change a little bit more! Turns out, although change is scary, the changes I am making in both the past year (job) and at the moment are the best for me. Funny, I was so scared of it.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
All for Pizza
Tonight is pizza night in my household. My husband really likes to cook and one of his favorite things to make is pizza. He has an itch to perfect pizza making but I think it is pretty darn perfected! I could tell you stories about his stressing out about crust being done, if mine tasted good, if one pizza (because we have to cook two thanks to different pizza tastes) was cooking faster, the stories go on! While pizza night is a sort of enjoyment for him and ignites his passion for cooking all things meaty and cheesy, it can be a source of stress for me.
I do love pizza. I do love Jeremy's homemade pizza. But, at the same time in a weird way because of my disordered eating, it has stressed me out. Pizza was definitely a food that was "forbidden", at least take out or restaurant varieties were for the most part. Homemade pizza was a little better because I could control the cooking process (cheese, toppings, etc.). But, whenever I would know we were having pizza I would restrict all day so I could "have" it. Crazy, I know, all for PIZZA! Then when the time would come to eat this delicious meal (that often takes at least like two hours to construct for the 2 pizzas and bread sticks) I would be ravenous and stuff myself. I would make myself damn near miserable and in would flood the awful thoughts about my body, my eating, everything that haunts me in that respect. I would swear off pizza (again), exercise a little harder the next day, try not to freak out about what I had eaten, the thoughts like Jeremy's fussing over making it, went on and on. Again, all over pizza. But those days are behind me, and I plan to prove that to myself tonight.
Today, I have known it was pizza night for most of the day and I have not restricted. In fact, I even ate an afternoon snack (never would have been done before!). This may seem like nothing unusual to those of you without eating issues, but to me its huge. I plan to enjoy making the pizza with Jeremy and maybe even have a glass of wine while I do! Which again is a big step, because before I probably wouldn't let myself HAVE any wine. I would have restricted the wine because of extra calories or I would have filled up on wine on an empty stomach leading to lower inhibitions with the pizza. Either way dumb. But tonight, is a new night and I have a new approach to looking at the situation as dinner, not some sort of food violation like I believed before.
So tonight, I will be the sous chef , I will construct my own pizza, I may enjoy a glass of wine as the deliciousness cooks, and I will enjoy every bite of my pizza. I will (try my best to) invoke my intuitive eating skills. I will eat the amount that satisfies me , and if I eat a little more than I "should" so be it, its just pizza, not a sin. Tonight I will enjoy pizza night and the season premiere of American Idol!
I do love pizza. I do love Jeremy's homemade pizza. But, at the same time in a weird way because of my disordered eating, it has stressed me out. Pizza was definitely a food that was "forbidden", at least take out or restaurant varieties were for the most part. Homemade pizza was a little better because I could control the cooking process (cheese, toppings, etc.). But, whenever I would know we were having pizza I would restrict all day so I could "have" it. Crazy, I know, all for PIZZA! Then when the time would come to eat this delicious meal (that often takes at least like two hours to construct for the 2 pizzas and bread sticks) I would be ravenous and stuff myself. I would make myself damn near miserable and in would flood the awful thoughts about my body, my eating, everything that haunts me in that respect. I would swear off pizza (again), exercise a little harder the next day, try not to freak out about what I had eaten, the thoughts like Jeremy's fussing over making it, went on and on. Again, all over pizza. But those days are behind me, and I plan to prove that to myself tonight.
Today, I have known it was pizza night for most of the day and I have not restricted. In fact, I even ate an afternoon snack (never would have been done before!). This may seem like nothing unusual to those of you without eating issues, but to me its huge. I plan to enjoy making the pizza with Jeremy and maybe even have a glass of wine while I do! Which again is a big step, because before I probably wouldn't let myself HAVE any wine. I would have restricted the wine because of extra calories or I would have filled up on wine on an empty stomach leading to lower inhibitions with the pizza. Either way dumb. But tonight, is a new night and I have a new approach to looking at the situation as dinner, not some sort of food violation like I believed before.
So tonight, I will be the sous chef , I will construct my own pizza, I may enjoy a glass of wine as the deliciousness cooks, and I will enjoy every bite of my pizza. I will (try my best to) invoke my intuitive eating skills. I will eat the amount that satisfies me , and if I eat a little more than I "should" so be it, its just pizza, not a sin. Tonight I will enjoy pizza night and the season premiere of American Idol!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Ups and Downs
Back home from a fun weekend in Bloomington! A few of the highlights (ups): we hung out with friends, had cocktails, played Mad Gab and relaxed in the hot tub on Friday evening. On Saturday we all had lunch together at the Pub II (mmm...cheeseballs!), then we went shopping with my niece and mother in law for my niece's prom dress ( I can't believe she's going to her Junior Prom in April!). Saturday night we hung out at home and watched football (poor Tebow!) and played another game together ( I won Scrabble!). It was fun, as always, to see them and hang out, makes me wish we all lived closer. But even with all these ups this weekend, unfortunately, I had some downs.
I went into this weekend armed with my new mantras and strong willed to really conquer some of my anxiety about food and such. I did rather well on Friday night, I really was proud of myself. I even emailed my nutritionist about how proud of myself I felt. I woke up Saturday morning and didn't feel disgusted with myself for eating too much (which has happened often in past) or didn't have the urge to get up and run or exercise to basically make myself feel less guilty. I actually relaxed a bit and laid in bed with my husband and Lucy and laughed and talked. It was so nice, Jeremy and I had a lot of great time together this weekend (up)! I even decided to just take the weekend off and not to any exercise, and not only was I proud of myself, Jeremy was proud too. Well, as great as Saturday morning was, things went downhill after that in a sense and some old demons crept in.
As I mentioned, we went out to lunch on Saturday to a place called The Pub II and had some great appetizers that can only be enjoyed there. Cheeseballs!! I really tried to just enjoy it and not think my normal distorted thoughts about eating the "bar food". I did ok, struggled a bit. But later Saturday evening, I fell back into old patterns. I reverted right to where I didn't want to go and by the end of the evening I was miserable and uncomfortable. My husband who is right along with me in all of this, let me vent to him. Which is the sweetest thing, but nothing was going to help. So I went to bed, and then today (all day) the old thoughts have been around and I have felt so down on myself.
I just get so frustrated because I want this so bad. I want to be comfortable with myself and my body for the first time in a long time. I want to be comfortable around food and have a normal relationship with food. I want to be better not just for me, but for Jeremy and our future family (which was discussed this weekend and was nice to talk about). So, in thinking about it all on the way home, after sending off an email for some guidance to my nutritionist, I realized a few things (again).
I realized that I can't be too awful hard on myself for a slip up, they will happen. That I have only been really trying at intuitive eating for less than a month now. That real change is going to take TIME and patience (I have to keep repeating this if you haven't noticed). That the ideas of intuitive eating are clicking bit by bit and I need to focus on that. That anyone can change if they put their mind to it (my nutritionist emailed me that) and the change will be amazing. So, I will try to just look at this weekend as a little bit of a bump in the road. I will learn from it. I hate feeling the way I have felt during the downs this weekend and I really realized it is not worth it at all. So, maybe this slip up was necessary and part of getting to my goal. to make me more focused and strong willed about succeeding. That is how I am going to try to look at it at least.
So, all in all a successful (and too short) visit to Bloomington. Even with the downs I learned something about myself and this journey. I guess it is true, we live and we learn. I am doing a lot of learning, that is for sure.
I went into this weekend armed with my new mantras and strong willed to really conquer some of my anxiety about food and such. I did rather well on Friday night, I really was proud of myself. I even emailed my nutritionist about how proud of myself I felt. I woke up Saturday morning and didn't feel disgusted with myself for eating too much (which has happened often in past) or didn't have the urge to get up and run or exercise to basically make myself feel less guilty. I actually relaxed a bit and laid in bed with my husband and Lucy and laughed and talked. It was so nice, Jeremy and I had a lot of great time together this weekend (up)! I even decided to just take the weekend off and not to any exercise, and not only was I proud of myself, Jeremy was proud too. Well, as great as Saturday morning was, things went downhill after that in a sense and some old demons crept in.
As I mentioned, we went out to lunch on Saturday to a place called The Pub II and had some great appetizers that can only be enjoyed there. Cheeseballs!! I really tried to just enjoy it and not think my normal distorted thoughts about eating the "bar food". I did ok, struggled a bit. But later Saturday evening, I fell back into old patterns. I reverted right to where I didn't want to go and by the end of the evening I was miserable and uncomfortable. My husband who is right along with me in all of this, let me vent to him. Which is the sweetest thing, but nothing was going to help. So I went to bed, and then today (all day) the old thoughts have been around and I have felt so down on myself.
I just get so frustrated because I want this so bad. I want to be comfortable with myself and my body for the first time in a long time. I want to be comfortable around food and have a normal relationship with food. I want to be better not just for me, but for Jeremy and our future family (which was discussed this weekend and was nice to talk about). So, in thinking about it all on the way home, after sending off an email for some guidance to my nutritionist, I realized a few things (again).
I realized that I can't be too awful hard on myself for a slip up, they will happen. That I have only been really trying at intuitive eating for less than a month now. That real change is going to take TIME and patience (I have to keep repeating this if you haven't noticed). That the ideas of intuitive eating are clicking bit by bit and I need to focus on that. That anyone can change if they put their mind to it (my nutritionist emailed me that) and the change will be amazing. So, I will try to just look at this weekend as a little bit of a bump in the road. I will learn from it. I hate feeling the way I have felt during the downs this weekend and I really realized it is not worth it at all. So, maybe this slip up was necessary and part of getting to my goal. to make me more focused and strong willed about succeeding. That is how I am going to try to look at it at least.
So, all in all a successful (and too short) visit to Bloomington. Even with the downs I learned something about myself and this journey. I guess it is true, we live and we learn. I am doing a lot of learning, that is for sure.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
A Monster Green Smoothie Kind of Day
Phew! Glad today is winding down!! Crazy day here at the office, but still in good spirits. I had a great workout with my trainer Susie last night. She always perks me up and makes me feel stronger. And today, I feel the muscles that were not strong enough and am a little sore. But I love it and can't wait for another round tomorrow. Tonight is also my session with my nutritionist ( I heart Skype!) which I think will do wonders since I have been a little down and confused this week. Funny, listening to the professionals really does help!! Who would have thought.
Today I branched out a bit in my food choices. I found a recipe for a "Monster Green Smoothie" on Pintrest (I heart Pintrest) and it looked interesting. The recipe claimed it tasted great and provided a lot of good nutrients.Some for energy, which in hindsight, today I needed with my semi-high maintenance boss! Well, I wrote down the recipe, got all my ingredients out: (spinach leaves, frozen strawberries, yogurt, peanut butter, ice, Chia seeds, almond milk) then measured, blended and hoped for the best! I was a little leery using spinach in a morning smoothie, I couldn't believe it really tasted GOOD. But when I was done blending, and taste tested it was DELICIOUS!!! Thick, creamy and tasty (and really green!). I took this concoction in for my husband to try, who looked at me like I had four eyes when I requested he taste. He is definitely more of a cheeseburger and beer man to say the least! But I was just tickled it tasted good, and couldn't wait to try it in the morning. Today, it was filling and tasty like I expected!! I was also proud of myself for branching out and trying this. In the past I wouldn't have DARED try it because I didn't know the EXACT calorie count or I would have figured out that calorie count and decided not to try it because it had over what I thought was the appropriate amount of calories for breakfast. Which that acceptable point to me at one time was about 150 calories, tops. So by doing this I took a step in the right direction and also found a new, delicious smoothie that I will have again tomorrow!
So, the day is wrapping up and another way I may branch out this evening before my Skype session is to have a nice glass of wine while making dinner. Now, anyone that KNOWS me KNOWS I like my cocktails. But in the past, even up to recently, I wouldn't allow myself a simple glass of wine or cocktail at home after work most weeknights because again...I didnt' think I should allow myself the calories during the week (weird I know, because weekends weren't and aren't this way!). Now, happy hours with friends and co-workers was always an exception in this mixed up thought process. But to have a glass to relax at home was often very hard for me to do. I would pour a Glass, taste and throw it out ( I know Mom! Sorry!), thinking it tasted "funny" when really I was thinking about the "empty" calories in the glass. I ignored the fact I REALLY wanted it. Once I came to realize how distorted in thinking this was, I realized I CAN have a glass of wine (or 2!) after work if I want (if only I could have it AT work some days). It goes along with the intuitive eating principles that nothing is off limits, an everything in moderation sort of idea. So, tonight, I may just branch out for a second time today and have a glass of one of those bottles of wine in my refrigerator that sit unopened. Cheers everyone!
MMM...the Monster Green Smoothie...this is the picture from Pintrest! Mine was JUST about that color..and AMAZEBALLS!!
Today I branched out a bit in my food choices. I found a recipe for a "Monster Green Smoothie" on Pintrest (I heart Pintrest) and it looked interesting. The recipe claimed it tasted great and provided a lot of good nutrients.Some for energy, which in hindsight, today I needed with my semi-high maintenance boss! Well, I wrote down the recipe, got all my ingredients out: (spinach leaves, frozen strawberries, yogurt, peanut butter, ice, Chia seeds, almond milk) then measured, blended and hoped for the best! I was a little leery using spinach in a morning smoothie, I couldn't believe it really tasted GOOD. But when I was done blending, and taste tested it was DELICIOUS!!! Thick, creamy and tasty (and really green!). I took this concoction in for my husband to try, who looked at me like I had four eyes when I requested he taste. He is definitely more of a cheeseburger and beer man to say the least! But I was just tickled it tasted good, and couldn't wait to try it in the morning. Today, it was filling and tasty like I expected!! I was also proud of myself for branching out and trying this. In the past I wouldn't have DARED try it because I didn't know the EXACT calorie count or I would have figured out that calorie count and decided not to try it because it had over what I thought was the appropriate amount of calories for breakfast. Which that acceptable point to me at one time was about 150 calories, tops. So by doing this I took a step in the right direction and also found a new, delicious smoothie that I will have again tomorrow!
So, the day is wrapping up and another way I may branch out this evening before my Skype session is to have a nice glass of wine while making dinner. Now, anyone that KNOWS me KNOWS I like my cocktails. But in the past, even up to recently, I wouldn't allow myself a simple glass of wine or cocktail at home after work most weeknights because again...I didnt' think I should allow myself the calories during the week (weird I know, because weekends weren't and aren't this way!). Now, happy hours with friends and co-workers was always an exception in this mixed up thought process. But to have a glass to relax at home was often very hard for me to do. I would pour a Glass, taste and throw it out ( I know Mom! Sorry!), thinking it tasted "funny" when really I was thinking about the "empty" calories in the glass. I ignored the fact I REALLY wanted it. Once I came to realize how distorted in thinking this was, I realized I CAN have a glass of wine (or 2!) after work if I want (if only I could have it AT work some days). It goes along with the intuitive eating principles that nothing is off limits, an everything in moderation sort of idea. So, tonight, I may just branch out for a second time today and have a glass of one of those bottles of wine in my refrigerator that sit unopened. Cheers everyone!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
A Better Day
Its is amazing how a little reflection (and re-reading of my inutitive eating book), a good night's sleep and a touching email from my mother-in-law can perk my spirits right on up. After having the rough day I had yesterday, I went home and chilled out. I sat on the couch and skimmed through the book Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. When I started working with my nutritionist, she recommended I read this book, as it was the approach she took with her clients. Let me tell you, it is an amazing book and really spoke to me. There were so many examples in the book of my exact behaviors around and with food. I would highly recommend it to anyone struggling with food in ANY way. (I got mine on Amazon for under $15!) After skimming through most of the book I realized I needed to get my head back in the game (we had football on, hence the sports analogy) and that I needed to focus on some of the principles of the book a little more. It definitely perked me up some and got my mind set that I will be successful and do this but it will take time!
Another thing that inspired and perked me up last night is the picture at the end of this blog. It is a picture of my very good friend Courtney and I at her wedding almost six years ago (can you BELIEVE that Court!). Anyway, when I looked at this picture last night I realized that at that point in time, I was disordered eating free! I was happy, confident, exercised, ate what I wanted, wasn't scared of food, didn't judge my body so harshly, basically, VERY different than I am today. While looking at it I realized, that GIRL is still in me, that I can get back to being that girl. When I look into my eyes in the picture (although I had had QUITE a few cocktails) I see confidence with myself, something I have lost quite a bit of. So, as I reflected on those thoughts, as well as my day, I realized a few things. For one, the reason I guess I got in a bit of a snit yesterday was that every time I have embarked on a "diet" before, I saw results, quick. But I realized that these "diets" were unhealthy and mostly involved undereating (followed by eating TOO much). I also realized that what I am doing NOW is NOT a DIET. It is a lifestyle change. So, I realized that to meet my goal I have to have patience (as I have mentioned before, not my BEST virtue, at all!). I have to stick with it to see the results I want. I also realized (from looking at the picture) it took me almost 6 years to get to this point, it will take a bit of time to get back to that girl, but she is in there! And although this journey is very hard, I am not discouraged or mad about it, I have faith God is teaching me something. As my mother-in-law said in her very heartfelt email to me earlier today : "Life is a really cool journey, we are always learning". It really is, and I plan to continue to learn! (Thanks Mama D.!)
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