I have been on this mission to change for a few months now and have shared my journey on this blog. But, I know I haven't been completely honest with either myself or the people who read my blog. So honesty is the best policy and I had a couple of those aha moments that have let me to this post of honesty.
First, to put some things in perspective and be honest with myself I asked myself a few questions. Have I struggled with disordered eating? Yes. Do I struggle anymore? Some days yes but not as much. Do I use it as a crutch and a way to ignore my feelings? Why yes! Have I used it as a way to treat my body wrong, ignore what it's telling me and keeping myself in denial? Absolutely. Now, I realize I said I was OVER this disordered eating some time ago. But to be honest, I still held on to a bit of it. It was too comfortable and familiar. What or who was I with out it? It has just been a part of me for so long. So while I entered this journey with best intentions and leaving it behind, I still held on to it. Even through learning and discovering intuitive eating, I held on to it. It was just always there to some extent, part of my comfort zone. But tonight, this all came to a screeching halt.
This weekend Jeremy and I are attending a wedding of some friends. This led me into my closet to decide just what I want to wear. Now, I have to be honest again here since that's the theme. I have noticed clothes not fitting just right for some time now but ignored it. I made excuses or chalked it up to bloating or whatever I could think of. I would often keep myself in denial and just put on something more comfortable. But tonight I tried on dresses that, just last summer, fit just fine that tonight would not fit properly. At all. And that my friends was the breaking point.
I clearly have gained some weight. Now, I realize that I have changed my workout routine some and that has some effect on body mass and changes in different spots. I get that and I accept that. But this is applicable for every spot I am feeling this tightness in or seeing changes in, and not in a good way. Let me not fail to mention that I am working very hard, and sticking with lifting some weights, yet not seeing results I want. To be honest again made some excuses for the lack of results as well therefore keeping myself in denial. One fib I have been telling myself is that I have screwed up my metabolism, which I know I may have, but I think it's pretty much back on track. I just didn't want to face the fact that I was just plain not eating how I should. I was eating because I knew I could. Because I thought I needed it. Because I was bored. Because I was ignoring other things. I wasn't really listening to my body or my hunger cues for fullness. Even though I exercise like crazy, nutrition is a huge part. One that for the most part I watch most of the time, but often behind closed doors maybe I am not to watchful of. So all these realizations I have led me to my new plan of action.
I realize that most people around me will probably read this and think I am a bit crazy but I want everyone to see where I am coming from. As women, we all know our own bodies. We know when we are not happy with our own bodies, even if other people tell us we look fine. It is our body and our choice. If we want to change it, only we have the power. No one can change it for us. This is the exact point I am at in this moment. I realize most people don't or can't see that I have put on a few pounds. Some I know would probably say I needed a few extra pounds, and while they may feel that way, I don't feel the same. Now, I don't want to go back to where I was a few years back, far too thin and having pretty much everyone point it out. I just want to fit back into these clothes comfortably again. I want to feel confident in those clothes, and confident with my body because I have come to peace that this is MY body. That I am the one that can change it if it needs it that it's not ever going to look like someone elses body I admire. It's mine and I can make it into the best body for me, for me to admire my own body. Finally. For once.
So, to help me on this mission in the healthiest way possible I didn't turn to a therapist or nutritionist. I didn't start googling things. I turned to my Mom. As I have mentioned before Mom has lost about 50 pounds using Weight Watchers in the past year and a half or so. She really has done so awesome with it, she eats real food, exercises, still has fun (and has splurges) and has lost weight and gained confidence. Everything I am looking for. So, after going back and forth over text messages with Mom about how I felt and telling her I really did want to try Weight Watchers she agreed to help me. I immediately was excited. As she began described the plan to me, it all seems so easy. Really simple and not far from the way I eat now, but healthier. Actually probably eating a little more. Nothing is off limits, for real. Everything in moderation. Everything I guess I have realized before but never grasped. I have always pretty much gone to extremes where this food business is involved. If I think ONE thing is the problem, I cut it out completely....to binge on it later. But with this I can work everything in in a normal organized way. Which, if you know me, organization is key to me functioning properly! So, I know that Weight Watchers is the way to go. I have known for some time, but again denied it. I know that I don't have much weight to lose. But it's not all about losing the few pounds I want and having my clothes fit more properly. It is about learning and finally really embracing the healthy lifestyle. To not do it part time, like I pretty much always have when I have tried other ways of going about this, but to embrace it and do it for real.
With all that said, and me pretty much having laid everything out there, I also have come to another conclusion. As I mentioned in my last post. I have decided to close down this blog. This blog has been very therapeutic for the first part of this journey. But I want to put it behind me, especially now that I have reached this point of enlightenment this evening. So, Choosing to Change is dunzo as of tonight. But I do LOVE this blogging stuff and I want to be able to look back on the rest of my journey that begins now. I will be starting my new blog, Healthy.Happy.Hot Mess.
Now it's time to sign off here to step in my new healthy direction and I couldn't be more excited. Here we go.
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