Ups and Downs

     Back home from a fun weekend in Bloomington! A few of the highlights (ups):  we hung out with friends, had cocktails, played Mad Gab and relaxed in the hot tub on Friday evening. On Saturday we all had lunch together at the Pub II (mmm...cheeseballs!), then we went shopping with my niece and mother in law for my niece's prom dress ( I can't believe she's going to her Junior Prom in April!). Saturday night we hung out at home and watched football (poor Tebow!) and played another game together ( I won Scrabble!). It was fun, as always, to see them and hang out, makes me wish we all lived closer. But even with all these ups this weekend, unfortunately, I had some downs.
     I went into this weekend armed with my new mantras and strong willed to really conquer some of my anxiety about food and such. I did rather well on Friday night, I really was proud of myself. I even emailed my nutritionist about how proud of myself I felt. I woke up Saturday morning and didn't feel disgusted with myself for eating too much (which has happened often in past) or didn't have the urge to get up and run or exercise to basically make myself feel less guilty. I actually relaxed a bit and laid in bed with my husband and Lucy and laughed and talked. It was so nice, Jeremy and I had a lot of great time together this weekend (up)! I even decided to just take the weekend off and not to any exercise, and not only was I proud of myself, Jeremy was proud too. Well, as great as Saturday morning was, things went downhill after that in a sense and some old demons crept in.
     As I mentioned, we went out to lunch on Saturday to a place called The Pub II and had some great appetizers that can only be enjoyed there. Cheeseballs!! I really tried to just enjoy it and not think my normal distorted thoughts about eating the "bar food". I did ok, struggled a bit. But later Saturday evening, I fell back into old patterns. I reverted right to where I didn't want to go and by the end of the evening I was miserable and uncomfortable. My husband who is right along with me in all of this, let me vent to him. Which is the sweetest thing, but nothing was going to help. So I went to bed, and then today (all day) the old thoughts have been around and I have felt so down on myself.
     I just get so frustrated because I want this so bad. I want to be comfortable with myself and my body for the first time in a long time. I want to be comfortable around food and have a normal relationship with food. I want to be better not just for me, but for Jeremy and our future family (which was discussed this weekend and was nice to talk about). So, in thinking about it all on the way home, after sending off an email for some guidance to my nutritionist, I realized a few things (again).
     I realized that I can't be too awful hard on myself for a slip up, they will happen. That I have only been really trying at intuitive eating for less than a month now. That real change is going to take TIME and patience (I have to keep repeating this if you haven't noticed). That the ideas of intuitive eating are clicking bit by bit and I need to focus on that. That anyone can change if they put their mind to it (my nutritionist emailed me that) and the change will be amazing. So, I will try to just look at this weekend as a little bit of a bump in the road. I will learn from it. I hate feeling the way I have felt during the downs this weekend and I really realized it is not worth it at all. So, maybe this slip up was necessary and part of getting to my goal. to make me more focused and strong willed about succeeding. That is how I am going to try to look at it at least.
     So, all in all a  successful (and too short) visit to Bloomington. Even with the downs I learned something about myself and this journey. I guess it is true, we live and we learn. I am doing a lot of learning, that is for sure.