All for Pizza

    Tonight is pizza night in my household. My husband really likes to cook and one of his favorite things to make is pizza. He has an itch to perfect pizza making  but I think it is pretty darn perfected! I could tell you stories about his stressing out about crust being done, if mine tasted good, if one pizza (because we have to cook two thanks to different pizza tastes) was cooking faster, the stories go on! While pizza night is a sort of enjoyment for him and ignites his passion for cooking all things meaty and cheesy, it can be a source of stress for me.
     I do love pizza. I do love Jeremy's homemade pizza. But, at the same time in a weird way because of my disordered eating, it has stressed me out. Pizza was definitely a food that was "forbidden", at least take out or restaurant varieties were for the most part. Homemade pizza was a little better because I could control the cooking process  (cheese, toppings, etc.). But, whenever I would know we were having pizza I would restrict all day so I could "have" it. Crazy, I know, all for PIZZA! Then when the time would come to eat this delicious meal (that often takes at least like two hours to construct for the 2 pizzas and bread sticks) I would be ravenous and stuff myself. I would make myself damn near miserable and in would flood the awful thoughts about my body, my eating, everything that haunts me in that respect. I would swear off pizza (again), exercise a little harder the next day, try not to freak out about what I had eaten, the thoughts like Jeremy's fussing over making it, went on and on. Again, all over pizza. But those days are behind me, and I plan to prove that to myself tonight.
     Today, I have known it was pizza night for most of the day and I have not restricted. In fact, I even ate an afternoon snack (never would have been done before!). This may seem like nothing unusual to those of you without eating issues, but to me its huge. I plan to enjoy making the pizza with Jeremy and maybe even have a glass of wine while I do! Which again is a big step, because before I probably wouldn't let myself HAVE any wine. I would have restricted the wine because of extra calories or I would have filled up on wine on an empty stomach leading to lower inhibitions with the pizza. Either way dumb. But tonight, is a new night and I have a new approach to looking at the situation as dinner, not some sort of food violation like I believed before.
     So tonight, I will be the sous chef , I will construct my own pizza, I may enjoy a glass of wine as the deliciousness cooks, and I will enjoy every bite of my pizza. I will (try my best to) invoke my intuitive eating skills. I will eat the amount that satisfies me , and if I eat a little more than I "should" so be it, its just pizza, not a sin. Tonight I will enjoy pizza night and the season premiere of American Idol!