No I Won't Back Down

     This quote here is giving me a bit of inspirtation today to keep my head up. Today has been a hard day.  I went ahead and faced my demon, a/k/a the scale, and unfortunately it did not go well. As I stepped on the scale and looked at the number below I tried to repeat all the things I said yesteday, "It's only a number", "It won't define my worth", but when I looked down and saw that number all that escaped me. I looked and the weight I weighed today (which is for me and my trainer's eyes) is heavier than I have been in some time and I am very unhappy with it. Also, rather unhappy that another pair of pants did not fit properly this morning. Ugh.
     In the past this would have sent me into some sort of crash diet and starvation pattern of sorts, but this morning I vowed not do that. I knew I couldn't. I wouldn't. As I ran the frustration out over 4 miles on the treadmill this morning  I realized that this is not about being skinnny, it is about me being at my healthiest and happiest and at this point, today, I am not yet there. The weight I am at tody I am not. So I fussed, I whined,  complained to my Mom,  and emailed my nutritionist. Who, I now have a date with on Wednesday at 8pm (thank goodness). Both of them told me not to focus on the numbers and many other statements that helped somewhat. I also found the following example on Pintrest of why scales suck:



So, I tried to cheer up a bit, cause like it or not I was in a funk. My husband noticed as I walked out the door  this morning and was so sweet today, emailing me and telling me how much he loves me and how he thinks my body is just perfect. How he will help and support me all he can. And why this is one of the best compliments a girl can receive, I still feel rather dumpy about myself. I know he likes it, and my friends and family will tell me how nice I look (thank you), but I am NOT happy with myself right now. Not happy when I look at myself in the mirror before a shower, or in a swimsuit, or really in any pictures taken recently. So, while I realize I don't look near as "huge" as I imagine I do in my (albeit distorted) mind, I DO want to change a few things about myself so I can be happy with MYSELF and I can think and believe and know I look nice. I want to be able to fit in the clothes again that are a little snug. I do not intend to focus on the scale too much du to the inspiration from the photograph above and some wisdom from my nutritionist. I will not go back to the starvation, yo-yo diet and weight, or too thin version of myself. But I will keep my head up and keep trucking and become the best ME I can. I am being held accountable now by doing this blog. I will just need (and know I have) the support of my family and friends, the wisdom and advice of my trainer and nutritionist and the will do do it this time around. Which I will and can. Have to. Like the song I heard on the radio today at work No I WON'T back down! And tomorrow is a new day....and I am in charge of me.